Collection of Lame Jokes

[DrGreg]

Spoiler: Animated GIF

source: https://gif15.videosgifs.com/2020/05/09/comiendo-a-escondida/​

Does this prove that chocolate eclair neutralises coronavirus?

 

[Keith_McClary]

View attachment 262622

DILBERT

 

[davenn]

Me: Do you have any books about paranoia?
Librarian: They're right behind you.

 

[davenn]

"I've just built a model of Mount Everest."

"Is it to scale?"

"No, just to look at."

 

[fresh_42]

"You have a new car?"

"Yes."

"How about cargo space?"

"No. Car does not do that. Car go road."

 

[phinds]

Me: Do you have any books about paranoia?
Librarian: They're right behind you.

Here's a hard one to answer if the answer isn't yes.

Library patron to librarian: do you have any books on how to deal with murderously violent reactions to disappointment?

 

[Ibix]

Here's a hard one to answer if the answer isn't yes.

Library patron to librarian: do you have any books on how to deal with murderously violent reactions to disappointment?

I've borrowed that one myself...

 

[Lynch101]

Why does it always feel like girlfriends are just looking for a reason to start a fight. I was having an intimate moment with my girlfriend [not the punchline!] we were talking and being really open and honest with each other, when she asks me, "what's your favourite part of my body?"

Thinking there is no good answer to this question, I hesitated and tried to buy myself some time, when an answer popped into my head. I couldn't believe it, out of nowhere the answer just appeared to me. I knew I was going to get an extra-special reward for this and with a big smile on my face I said, "your mind".

Of course, she would have to be a bloody Caretesian Dualist!

 

[mfb]

"You have a new car?"

"Yes."

"How about cargo space?"

"No. Car does not do that. Car go road."

Elon Musk: Hold my beer.

 

[phinds]

Self Evaluation Test:

Q: describe yourself as best you can with a single word
A: bad at following directions.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[davenn]

 

[DrClaude]

View attachment 262759

Darn! Where's my tinfoil hat?

 

[phinds]

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT...

• My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
• McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
• Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
• A picture is now only worth 200 words.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, Retirement Funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[phinds]

 

[WWGD]

Don't give up on your dreams! Stay asleep.

 

[phinds]

 

[WWGD]

Bought a radio with the knob stuck at max volume for $1.
Couldn't turn it down.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[DrGreg]

He has been waiting for this moment his whole life...
View attachment 262822

I suppose he could feel it coming, in the air?

 

[fresh_42]

I suppose he could feel it coming, in the air?

Thank you. I had it on the tongue and couldn't get the solution (i.e. second line).

 

[phinds]

Bought a radio with the knob stuck at max volume for $1.
Couldn't turn it down.

Q: Is a broken snare drum really a great Xmas present?
A: Sure. You can't beat it.

 

[phinds]

Tech Support

Tech: OK, right click on the desktop
Caller: OK, I did that
Tech: now do you see the pop-up menu
Caller: No.
Tech: Hm ... well, try it again and tell me if you see the pop-up menu
Caller: No, I did it again but still nothing
Tech: Can you tell me, very precisely, just what you are doing?
Caller: I'm doing exactly what you said to do. You said "write 'click'" so I typed in 'click'.
----------------------
Tech: You say the power switch on your new computer doesn't work?
Caller: Right. I can't even get the computer to turn on
Tech: Tell me where the power switch is and exactly what it looks like
Caller: It's right there on the floor where it belongs. It looks a little bit like a mouse but when I press it with my foot, nothing happens.
----------------------
Tech: Do you still see the cursor?
Caller: No, he left for work about an hour ago.

 

[fresh_42]

Tech Support

Tech: OK, right click on the desktop
Caller: OK, I did that
Tech: now do you see the pop-up menu
Caller: No.
Tech: Hm ... well, try it again and tell me if you see the pop-up menu
Caller: No, I did it again but still nothing
Tech: Can you tell me, very precisely, just what you are doing?
Caller: I'm doing exactly what you said to do. You said "write 'click'" so I typed in 'click'.
----------------------
Tech: You say the power switch on your new computer doesn't work?
Caller: Right. I can't even get the computer to turn on
Tech: Tell me where the power switch is and exactly what it looks like
Caller: It's right there on the floor where it belongs. It looks a little bit like a mouse but when I press it with my foot, nothing happens.
----------------------
Tech: Do you still see the cursor?
Caller: No, he left for work about an hour ago.

Reminds of BOFH.

 

[WWGD]

The Italian bakery stopped delivery after
chef pasta away.
Owner said he cannoli do so much.
Sadly, they may end as a pizza history.

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 262842

Can I give two thumbs up?

 

[mfb]

Ask your doctor if that is okay.

 

[WWGD]

Ask your doctor if that is okay.

And cough while at it .

 

[jack action]

 

[Keith_McClary]

View attachment 262896​

Did you get the Dodge Coronavirus Financial Incentives ?
Toyota doesn't make the Corona anymore, but they are offering Coronavirus financing.

 

[fresh_42]

Did you get the Dodge Coronavirus Financial Incentives ?
Toyota doesn't make the Corona anymore, but they are offering Coronavirus financing.

Even better: I read somewhere that some Mexicans ran out of beer (production stop)!

 

[fresh_42]

 

[DrGreg]

View attachment 262897

Anyone who watched British TV commercials in the 1970s will remember this:

Son: "Dad, do you know the piano's on my foot?"

Dad: "You hum it, son, and I'll play it!"

 

[phinds]

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I wondered why the Frisbee kept looking larger as it got closer. Then it hit me.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Velcro - what a rip off!
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

 

[Ibix]

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Somebody broke into the local dog pound and released all the dogs. Police are desperately searching for leads.

 

[phinds]

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.
A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

 

[phinds]

A meal during lockdown:

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

Anyone who watched British TV commercials in the 1970s will remember this:

Son: "Dad, do you know the piano's on my foot?"

Dad: "You hum it, son, and I'll play it!"

OMG, haven't heard that one since I was a kid

 

[jack action]

My commute is now from my bed to my living room and I'm still late to work every day.

I'm starting to think that I'm the problem.

 

[Ibix]

My commute is now from my bed to my living room and I'm still late to work every day.

I'm starting to think that I'm the problem.

You obviously need a job that sucks harder.

 

[fresh_42]

My commute is now from my bed to my living room and I'm still late to work every day.

I'm starting to think that I'm the problem.

Must be a relativity thing. The shorter the distance the later you are. I must know. I'd been living next to a bus stop of a line I regularly used. I had never missed so many busses before.

 

[Keith_McClary]

https://www.gocomics.com/moderately-confused/2020/05/16

Also:
SPEED BUMP

 

[WWGD]

Looking for your dog?

 

[WWGD]

Dyslexics of the world:
Untie!

 

[Ibix]

You have nothing to lose but your chinas!

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

Feminist Rattlesnake!