Collection of Lame Jokes

[BillTre]

 

[WWGD]

You have nothing to lose but your chinas!

Beware the punishment of dog!

 

[Keith_McClary]

Looks Good on Paper by Dan Collins for May 17, 2020

 

[etotheipi]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 263024

I'm almost sure that there are currently protesters out there claiming the opposite!

 

[jack action]

Her: Undress me with your words

Him: A spider just crawled in your sweater.

 

[jack action]

A bacon salad​

 

[jack action]

I was in line at the supermarket when the guy in front of me farted. I stared at him, he turned around and said, «If you heard that, you are not keeping your distance and if you smelled it, your mask is not helping you at all!»

 

[Keith_McClary]

 

[WWGD]

My gun has such a strange work ethic: It only works after it's fired.

 

[fresh_42]

My gun has such a strange work ethic: It only works after it's fired.

Isn't it the other way around? It gets fired if it works. Some guns fire when they're laid off.

 

[Keith_McClary]

Toothsome masks

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[jack action]

At a job interview:

- What would you say is your greatest weakness?
- Honesty.
- Well, I don't think honesty is a bad thing!
- Well, I don't care about what you think.

 

[BillTre]

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[jtbell]

When that meteor hit the Yucatán peninsula 66 million years ago...

it made a Tyrannosaurus wreck.

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[WWGD]

Cool cat teaching arithmetic

 

[WWGD]

Jobs for unemployed bartenders

 

[256bits]

Before he became Emperer, Julius once worked as a policeman.
But he wasn't very good at that, so he became a politician.

One example:
A female suspect would be chased, and they would call out,
"Juilius, seize her!"
he would just turn around, and say,
"Yes, You called."

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 263363

How can that be? A door is not a cabinet. Maybe he was losing his marbles back then.

 

[256bits]

How can that be? A door is not a cabinet. Maybe he was losing his marbles back then.

And apparently, a terrible tailer man

 

[DrGreg]

My grandad always said "Fight fire with fire".

Lovely man, terrible firefighter.

Credit: Milton Jones

 

[DrGreg]

My grandad always said "As one window closes, another one opens".

Lovely man, terrible programmer.

 

[davenn]

Somebody broke into the local dog pound and released all the dogs. Police are desperately searching for leads.

And to quote a song, the cops are looking for ... " Who let the dogs out"

 

[Ibix]

Credit: Milton Jones

I saw a clip of him on Mock the Week, doing "Things you'd never hear on a cookery program". He says "Here's a dish anyone can cook," then stares directly at camera and says in tones of boundless contempt "You can't, Beatrice". Then he kind of blinks, pretends to check his notes, and says apologetically "No...sorry. You can't beat rice" and walks off looking annoyed at his "mistake".

 

[phinds]

How can that be? A door is not a cabinet. Maybe he was losing his marbles back then.

I can't tell if you're trying to make a joke of some kind or you just haven't thought it through.

 

[WWGD]

I can't tell if you're trying to make a joke of some kind or you just haven't thought it through.

Edit: A sort of 3rd option.

 

[jtbell]

Have you heard of the new Star Trek reboot? Sir Patrick Stewart (as Jean-Luc Picard) will once again baldly go where no man has gone before.

 

[Klystron]

Have you heard of the new Star Trek reboot? Sir Patrick Stewart (as Jean-Luc Picard) will once again baldly go where no man has gone before.

Not wishing to be typecast in follicle-challenged science fiction, Sir Patrick will then reprise his role as the tormented Captain Ahab, saved from his watery fate after harpooning the great white whale by clinging alongside Ishmael to Quee-Quog's ornate coffin.

In this sequel to a remake Ahab (Stewart) pursues a great green sperm whale to the ends of the earth.

Working title: "Moby Pickle".
Opening line: "Call me Gherkin."

 

[WWGD]

Dad not in touch

 

[WWGD]

 

[Auto-Didact]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Adesh]

View attachment 262311

I didn't get that joke. Somebody please explain.

 

[Ibix]

I didn't get that joke. Somebody please explain.

The skull is in the pelvis. Someone who "has their head up their ass" is someone with utter immunity to facts because they have carefully arranged themselves so that they cannot see them. Also anything coming out of their mouths will be well mixed with stuff that normally comes out the other end of the body. A typical politician...

 

[Keith_McClary]

Hydroxychloroquine Side Effects
...
Psychiatric
Common (1% to 10%): Emotional lability (sudden changes in emotion and behaviors of inappropriately high intensity that may include sudden bouts of anger, dysphoria, sadness, or euphoria)

 

[WWGD]

The skull is in the pelvis. Someone who "has their head up their ass" is someone with utter immunity to facts because they have carefully arranged themselves so that they cannot see them. Also anything coming out of their mouths will be well mixed with stuff that normally comes out the other end of the body. A typical politician...

You have now joined many of us in having the questionable merit of being a joke explainer. I'm writing a book " 100 jokes explained".

 

[DrGreg]

You have now joined many of us in having the questionable merit of being a joke explainer. I'm writing a book " 100 jokes explained".

To paraphrase an old saying, "Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies."

 

[WWGD]

To paraphrase an old saying, "Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies."

May I quote you for my book? ;).

 

[DrGreg]

May I quote you for my book? ;).

Before you do that, try googling the phrase "and the frog dies" to see who else has said it.

 

[WWGD]

Before you do that, try googling the phrase "and the frog dies" to see who else has said it.

I ended up with results on something on " When the doves cry" ;).

 

[fresh_42]

I ended up with results on something on " When the doves cry" ;).

Internet is stupid. It has to be: "When the storks rattle ..."

 

[Klystron]

One of our presidents, possibly JFK, given to puns; allowed time for the Russian translators to explain his jokes to the Soviet premier. Using the above analogy, he was
"dissecting the frog while it lived". Vivisection!