Collection of Lame Jokes

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

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[mfb]

How sheep get away with murder

Silenced by the lambs.

 

[etotheipi]

 

[etotheipi]

 

[phinds]

TRAVEL POSSIBILITIES FOR SENIORS, EVEN IN THE TIME OF COVID

I have been in many places in my life but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been In Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends and family. I live close by so it's a short drive.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I'm not athletic. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before! I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there. So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says it is on the list!

 

[mfb]

Jason Patric was in Denial and Incognito.

 

[jack action]

Amusing little bug (when it doesn't happen to you, that is): install script does rm -rf /usr for ubuntu #123

Which led me to this famous bugs page as well.

 

[fresh_42]

Amusing little bug (when it doesn't happen to you, that is): install script does rm -rf /usr for ubuntu #123

Which led me to this famous bugs page as well.

Is this an IQ test, since you have hidden something unknown behind a link? I surely won't click.

 

[jack action]

Is this an IQ test, since you have hidden something unknown behind a link? I surely won't click.

It is a link to a real github issue.

 

[mfb]

Installing bumblebee, an abandoned 2011 project, with a short-living version of an installation script from 24 May 2011 would be dangerous under Ubuntu. Opening the website where that problem is discussed is not dangerous.

It's a pretty famous typo.
Added here, fixed here

 

[DennisN]

Funny article titles:

 

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[Ibix]

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

Did you hear about the guy who wouldn't believe there were crocodiles chewing on his legs? He was in de Nile.

 

[davenn]

 

[jack action]

 

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[jtbell]

Did you hear about the library that started to require reservations because of the pandemic?

People had trouble getting them because the place was always booked.

 

[jack action]

The other day I spotted an albino dalmatian.

It's the least I could do for him.

 

[jack action]

President Johnson enjoyed surprising unsuspecting guests when taking them for a ride in his Amphicar.

The President, with Vicky McCammon in the seat alongside him and me in the back,was now driving around in a small blue car with the top down. We reached a steep incline at the edge of the lake and the car started rolling rapidly toward the water. The President shouted, "The brakes don’t work! The brakes won’t hold! We’re going in! We’re going under!" The car splashed into the water. I started to get out. Just then the car leveled and I realized we were in a Amphicar. The President laughed. As we putted along the lake then (and throughout the evening), he teased me. "Vicky, did you see what Joe did? He didn’t give a damn about his President. He just wanted to save his own skin and get out of the car." Then he’d roar.
--Joseph A. Califano, Jr

 

[Sagittarius A-Star]

An old lawyer joke:

"Your Honor, I will show first, that my client never borrowed the Ming vase from the plaintiff; second, that he returned the vase in perfect condition; and third, that the crack was already present when he borrowed it."

Source:
https://math.ucr.edu/home/baez/physics/Relativity/SR/TwinParadox/twin_vase.html

 

[etotheipi]

 

[etotheipi]

 

[etotheipi]

 

[etotheipi]

 

[etotheipi]

 

[fresh_42]

Life writes the best jokes! I watched a documentary about boat people on a river in Myanmar. One trades vegetables and other goods for a living. He said: "I used to be a farmer, but things went very badly. Then I passed my land on to family members."

 

[jack action]

 

[Klystron]

In the bleak morning light a figure appears in silhouette, combat boots crumbling the ragged desert soil. Fast jets scream overhead splitting dawn's calm. Wistfully, the e-warrior speaks,

"I love the feel of chaff in the morning. It's like... being slapped in the face with a sack of poker chips."

 

[jack action]

View attachment 280224

 

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[etotheipi]

 

[Frigus]

Teacher to student:-school is about to end and I don't even know your name!
Student:-no problem,I don't know your name either.

 

[jack action]

 

[jtbell]

Unofficial state joke of Michigan, most common in November (of normal, non-Covid years):

"What's a buckeye? Some kind of nut?"

 

[Vanadium 50]

"What's a buckeye? Some kind of nut?"

I've seen bumper stickers "I brake for animals. Except wolverines."

 

[256bits]

View attachment 280544

Yeah, I don't like her type of humour either.

 

[fresh_42]

They finally figured out the cause!

 

[fresh_42]

My life is depressing. Even my test was negative.

 

[phinds]

VACCINE ALERT

This happened yesterday and is important information for my age group.

A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the Vaccination Center, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.

When he got home, he called the Vaccination Center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized.

He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the Vaccination Center immediately and pick up his glasses.

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

Boat Names:

 

[phinds]

Boat Names:
View attachment 280722

Gotta love this one

 

[fresh_42]

Maybe they should consider renaming of 'Evergreen'. I have read a hilarious suggestion, but the rules forbid me to repeat it here. But how about 'Unturnable'?