Collection of Lame Jokes

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The discussion revolves around sharing and enjoying "lame" jokes, with participants contributing various puns and one-liners. Jokes include classic setups like "A duck walks into a pharmacy..." and "Why did the chicken cross the road?" along with playful wordplay, such as "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick." The humor is characterized by its groan-inducing quality, with many jokes eliciting laughter despite their simplicity. Participants also engage in light banter about the nature of humor, with some jokes being deemed too funny to qualify as "lame." The thread highlights a shared enjoyment of corny humor and the camaraderie that comes from exchanging jokes, creating a lighthearted atmosphere.
  • #8,201
davenn said:
Back in the 1980's, in Canada, there was a Chinese cooking show called "Wok with Yan".

Was the theme song the Bee Gees' Stayin' Alive?

Oh you can tell by the way I use my wok,
I'm a Chinese cook...
 
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  • #8,202
You can deduce the temperature of the oil using the wok-energy theorem.
 
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  • #8,203
1600614851408.png


Courtesy @davenn[/size]
 
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  • #8,204
1600641405668.png


I wonder if his face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall in King's Cross Station...
 
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  • #8,205
An 80-year-old grandpa and grandma go to McDonald's on a winter evening.
The Grandpa and Grandma go to the cash register, pay for the meal and go to sit at a table.
On Papy's tray are a hamburger, a packet of fries and a Coke.

... Grandpa unwraps the hamburger and cuts it in half, he does the same for the fries.
He places one half in front of his wife and the other half in front of him. He takes a sip of Coke and then gives his glass to Grandma who does the same.

The man starts his part of hamburger and fries.

A young man who has been watching the scene since their arrival thinks that they each cannot afford a real meal, he approaches their table and, a little embarrassed, offers to offer them another meal.
Grandpa thanks him and tells him that all is well and that they are used to sharing everything.
Then the people around them realize that Grandma has not touched anything yet and that the husband is almost at the end of his meal.
The young man begs them one last times to accept.
This time, it's Grandma who replies that it's not necessary, that they are used to sharing everything.
At this point, Grandpa has finished his meal and wipes his mouth.
The young man said to Grandma:
- Madam, why don't you eat? You say you share everything ... I don't understand!
And the lady answers: - I'm waiting for his teeth !
 
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  • #8,206
davenn said:
Back in the 1980's, in Canada, there was a Chinese cooking show called "Wok with Yan".
Oh my God! You just opened up a part of my memory that was deeply buried!
 
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  • #8,210
On November 1st, I'm not setting back my clocks because, seriously, nobody needs one more hour in 2020!
 
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  • #8,211
The police came to the gym today. Apparently some guy had been dealing steroids and they had a warrant to open his locker. Due to a mix up, they opened some other guy's locker, and it turned out that one was full of drugs too! Unfortunately they couldn't do anything about it - those weren't the 'roids they were looking for.
 
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  • #8,212
Ibix said:
The police came to the gym today. Apparently some guy had been dealing steroids and they had a warrant to open his locker. Due to a mix up, they opened some other guy's locker, and it turned out that one was full of drugs too! Unfortunately they couldn't do anything about it - those weren't the 'roids they were looking for.

Must have been Qui-Gon Gym,

1600805956845.png
 
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  • #8,213
Keith_McClary said:
"Nerd immunity"?
 
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  • #8,214
It's the wife's birthday next week...
she's been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house...
so I've bought her a magazine rack...
 
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  • #8,215
🤣🤣🤣 Drama Kings!
4C4D9790-332C-4724-8299-99477A2096C4.jpeg
 
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  • #8,216
Today is the "Speech from the Throne" in Canada. The Governor General is using the traditional throne in the Senate Chamber. (Not working from home.)
 
  • #8,217
Keith_McClary said:
Today is the "Speech from the Throne" in Canada. The Governor General is using the traditional throne in the Senate Chamber. (Not working from home.)
Is "throne" a slang term for a toilet in Canada too? That'd be an... interesting speech.
 
  • #8,218
g2jhxwcyjk821.jpg
 
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  • #8,219
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
 
  • #8,220
Fervent Freyja said:
When I hear the phrase "men don't start drama" [...]
Nah -- only the guys you're most attracted to. :oldtongue:
 
  • #8,221
Keith_McClary said:
Today is the "Speech from the Throne" in Canada. The Governor General is [...] (Not working from home.)
Oh, I was wondering what "Speech from the Throne" meant. Up to now, I figured it was a polite way of saying that some jerk was having a brainfart. ?:)
 
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  • #8,222
strangerep said:
Oh, I was wondering what "Speech from the Throne" meant. Up to now, I figured it was a polite way of saying that some jerk was having a brainfart. ?:)
You better hope the Usher of the Black Rod and the Sergeant-at-Arms don't read that!
speakers-parade-ubr.jpg
 
  • #8,224
strangerep said:
Oh, I was wondering what "Speech from the Throne" meant. Up to now, I figured it was a polite way of saying that some jerk was having a brainfart. ?:)
I wonder now that Game of Thrones had a hidden meaning.
( Never watched it btw, so I can wonder in ignorance )
 
  • #8,225
jack action said:
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
One of the wags at work came up with our company slogan:
"We're not happy until you're not happy."
 
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  • #8,226
strangerep said:
Nah -- only the guys you're most attracted to. :oldtongue:

Well, I suppose I do like ‘em served rational with a tad bit neurotic and feisty... 🤣😂🤣 For real though, I’m hiding out and am ready to bolt on a couple of them at the moment.

I had this Navy vet go cuckoo on me a few months ago for “friendzoning” him after 2 dates. Immaturely requested that I give him back his textbooks (I didn’t ask) and then showed up at one of my jobs waiting in the parking lot -without telling me- a few days later because he wanted to make sure I got some of my stuff back and to tell me that he changed his mind about the books/wanting another date. Nope, buddy. My tactic is to lay low and try to disappear, I’m not keen on getting chopped up into pieces. Male ego can be overdramatic and irrational.
 
  • #8,227
06465088-FF10-468A-84B4-C4D538151EE5.jpeg
 
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  • #8,228
Fervent Freyja said:
Well, I suppose I do like ‘em served rational with a tad bit neurotic and feisty... 🤣😂🤣 For real though, I’m hiding out and am ready to bolt on a couple of them at the moment. [...]

Geez, I'd intended only a joke,... but,... hmmm... :eek: o_O o0)
 
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  • #8,229
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  • #8,230
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  • #8,231
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson had gone camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes shook Watson awake and demanded, "Watson look up in the sky and tell me what you see."

Complying, Watson replied, "Stars, Holmes. Millions and millions of stars."

"And what do you deduce from that?" Holmes asked.

Watson replied thoughtfully, "Well if there are a million stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said, "Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
 
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  • #8,233
I'd tell you a joke about UDP, but you might not get it.
 
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  • #8,234
jack action said:
I' te l you joke a out UDP, but you m ht ot get it.
Sorry, I think I have a bad connection here...
 
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  • #8,235
bike.jpg
 
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  • #8,236
Clear evidence that lawyers got smarter.
 
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  • #8,237
1601264173616.png
A history lesson for people who think that history doesn't matter:
What's the big deal about railroad tracks?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Well, because that's the way they built them in England, and English engineers designed the first US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
So, why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England . You see, that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And what about the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature, of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything
 
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  • #8,240
mfb said:

Partially why I posted in the comedy section rather than in the main GD part
I couldn't verify the info so decided to treat it with a partly true -> comic relief :smile:
 
  • #8,241
1601297613762.png
 
  • #8,242
mfb said:
1435 mm = 4' 8.5" is widely used but not the only standard (we should make a new one to standardize).
There are 1450 mm, 1458 mm, 1495 mm, 1520 mm, 1524 mm, ...
Pennsylvania has two different broad gauges: 1588mm (5'2.5") on Pittsburgh's light rail / streetcar lines, and 1581mm (5'2.25") on Philadelphia's light rail / streetcar / subway (metro) lines.

I've read that in the 1800s, some cities deliberately forced their street railways to use gauges different from standard railroad gauge, in order to eliminate the possibility of running full-size trains down the streets.
 
  • #8,243
35030A93-2E12-4BD6-8315-5D50036E9238.jpeg
 
  • #8,244
71410966-636B-4343-95C8-97ED72C1E3DD.jpeg
 
  • #8,245
I knew this would happen:

Screenshot from 2020-09-29 19-38-23.png
 
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  • #8,246
(Too many good jokes in this thread, I need to balance it with my lameness.)

I asked the nucleus, “what happened to the cat?”

It said, “IDK”
 
  • #8,247
https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/message_boards.png
message_boards.png

Title text: (c) You can have a scooter when you pay for it yourself, and (d) if you can't learn to start a new thread rather than responding to an old one, you'll be banned. [thread locked by moderator]
 
  • #8,248
DrClaude said:
start a new thread rather than responding to an old one
There is https://peakoil.com/forums/australia-new-zealand-discussion-f49.html?sid=85435de8fe9aacdf5ceb2b95f6a9f38fwhere they discourage starting new threads (see the dates in the left column). It can get awkward sometimes - respond to a post and be told "he died a few years ago".
 
  • #8,249
The blazon of Russian town Zheleznogorsk.
This town is built around a factory which produced the arm plutonium in 1960th.
Screenshot from 2020-09-30 19-59-50.png
 
  • #8,250
jack action said:
I'd tell you a joke about UDP, but you might not get it.
In the same trend:

I have a HTTP joke but if I POST it here then you will not GET it.
 
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