Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

 

[mfb]

Cargo space?

Musk: Hold my Falcon Heavy

(see my avatar)

 

[etotheipi]

 

[BillTre]

I recall a car guys episode (on NPR) where a Möbius fan belt was used on some German car.
Having twice as long side in contact with the pulleys was supposed to prolong its life.

 

[Jarvis323]

 

[etotheipi]

View attachment 272375

 

[phinds]

 

[jack action]

What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?

Spoiler: Answer

Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.

 

[gmax137]

Do you think ignorance, or apathy, is a bigger problem today?

Spoiler

I don't know, and I don't care.

 

[DrGreg]

Do you think ignorance, or apathy, is a bigger problem today?

Spoiler

I don't know, and I don't care.

Last week I thought procrastination was the problem, but I've been putting off saying so.

 

[jtbell]

How do you run a fowl of the law in Yellowstone National Park?

By cooking a chicken in one of the hot springs.

 

[Jarvis323]

I'm not sure if this goes here. Maybe it should go in the weird news compilation, but this has me laughing more than I have in years. I just bought a commemorative t-shirt.

 

[jtbell]

Staffer #1: "We need to hold a press conference. Where would be a good place for it?"

Staffer #2: "The Four Seasons [Hotel] would be nice." [raises voice] "Alexa, call Four Seasons for me!"

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[BillTre]

Staffer #1: "We need to hold a press conference. Where would be a good place for it?"

Staffer #2: "The Four Seasons [Hotel] would be nice." [raises voice] "Alexa, call Four Seasons for me!"

Interestingly, The Four Seasons Total Landscaping location had a crematorium on one side and a Fantasy Island adult store on the other.
Nice Setting!

 

[Greg Bernhardt]

Reminder that politics jokes are banned, thanks!

 

[phinds]

 

[Ibix]

Did you know bagels have star signs? They're all Tauruses.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Keith_McClary]

View attachment 272511

and before taking selfies.

 

[davenn]

 

[nsaspook]

Lame, there are B batteries.

 

[phinds]

Lame, there are B batteries.

Not to any appreciable extent in the US. In GB they are sometimes used.

 

[phinds]

Besides which, B batteries are very difficult for stutterers to order.

Clerk: what do you want.
Customer: I w-want b-batteries p-please
Clerk: sure, what size?
Customer: b-batteries
Clerk: yes, I understand, but what SIZE?
.
.
.

 

[WWGD]

Lame, there are B batteries.

But why there no B 'R' batteries?

 

[WWGD]

Evidence of voting irregularities found:

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[nsaspook]

Besides which, B batteries are very difficult for stutterers to order.

Clerk: what do you want.
Customer: I w-want b-batteries p-please
Clerk: sure, what size?
Customer: b-batteries
Clerk: yes, I understand, but what SIZE?
.
.
.

 

[davenn]

Lame, there are B batteries.

Not to any appreciable extent in the US. In GB they are sometimes used.

Nor in Oz or NZ
I actually had to google B Battery to see what they looked like ... appears to be several variations

 

[phinds]

Nor in Oz or NZ
I actually had to google B Battery to see what they looked like ... appears to be several variations

For those who don't know, "OZ" is what we in The US call "AU" (Australia)

 

[fresh_42]

I found out ...

... but went back in again.

 

[sysprog]

Before I speak, I have something important to say. $-$ Groucho

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Before I speak, I have something important to say. $-$ Groucho

Would that be before or after uttering it?

 

[sysprog]

Would that be before or after uttering it?

It would be Groucho $-$ "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

 

[BillTre]

Also:
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read."

 

[Keith_McClary]

Inside of a dog its too dark to read.

You can get an endoscope camera with a light (so that homework excuse is no good anymore).

 

[mfb]

My dog ate my homework but luckily I have the endoscope!

Spoiler

Please return both after you graded my homework.

 

[WWGD]

Also:
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read."

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. No idea why the elephant was in my pajamas.

 

[WWGD]

 

[BillTre]

For some reason, I often think of Groucho and Yogi Berra jokes as similar in some way:

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Could have many meanings, but was given as actual directions. Choosing either of the forks in the road lead to the correct destination.

"It's like déjà vu all over again."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical."
"If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else."
"The future ain't what it used to be."

 

[Ibix]

"The future ain't what it used to be."

Nostalgia's not as good as it was either.

 

[BillTre]

 

[sysprog]

For some reason, I often think of Groucho and Yogi Berra jokes as similar in some way:

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Could have many meanings, but was given as actual directions. Choosing either of the forks in the road lead to the correct destination.

"It's like déjà vu all over again."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical."
"If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else."
"The future ain't what it used to be."

A favorite from Berra: It's too co-incidental to be a co-incidence.

 

[BillTre]

A favorite from Berra: It's too co-incidental to be a co-incidence.

That's a good one.
I hadn't heard of it!

 

[WWGD]

Nostalgia's not as good as it was either.

That restaurant is too crowded, no one goes there anymore.

 

[WWGD]

I don't know if this is by Berra, but I just remembered it:

Guy driving gets stopped by a cop.
Cop: " Don't you know this is a one-way street?"
Guy: " I am only going one way".

 

[phinds]

I don't know if this is by Berra, but I just remembered it:

Guy driving gets stopped by a cop.
Cop: " Don't you know this is a one-way street?"
Guy: " I am only going one way".

That's almost as bad as this from Stephen Wright:
Cop: "You know the speed limit here is 40 miles per hour?"
Guy: "Well, I wasn't going to be out that long."