Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

I just found out that today is National Pickle Day. I guess this means they're a rilly big dill.

 

[jtbell]

It would be Groucho "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

From Duck Soup:

Mrs. Teasdale (Margaret Dumont): The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.

Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho): Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.

 

[davenn]

 

[phinds]

That reminds me of a friend of mine who was given a book on prognostication. Now he, like me, does not believe in aliens, ghosts, Nostradamus, etc, so he figured it would be a waste of time and was going to toss it but since it was given to him by a friend he figured he had to at least crack it so he could tell his buddy that he had started it.

He said it was an amazing experience. After have scanned just 3 pages of this book on prognostication, which he does not believe in, he said that he was able to make a 100% guaranteed prognostication of his own, which was ...

Spoiler: the prognosticaion:

I'm not going to finish this book.

 

[Ibix]

Arms for your chair are chairs for your arms.

 

[jack action]

 

[phinds]

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 272667

Thank you. I will be " Hoilding up" my bladder till possible now and having nightmares.

 

[WWGD]

I remember years back going to a book presentation by Jack Kevorkian (" "Dr Death"). I ran into him near the bathroom before the presentation. He told me : " You look a little pale". I said :" NO, NO , I'M OK!". He continued: " You may have something wrong". Me: " NO, NO, SERIOUSLY, I'M FINE!"

It seems he was an accomplished pianist. He put out an album: " Dr Kevorkian. Unplugged".

 

[jtbell]

I just found out that today is National Pickle Day. I guess this means they're a rilly big dill.

I was reminded of this today when I saw a report on one of the local TV news programs about the opening of new pickleball courts in a nearby town.

 

[PhDeezNutz]

A student in my classical mechanics class asked the professor

“Are tensors called tensors because they need a massage?”

My professor was speechless.

 

[WWGD]

A student in my classical mechanics class asked the professor

“Are tensors called tensors because they need a massage?”

My professor was speechless.

S/he needed a massage at the end of the day;). A Riemannian massage.

 

[fresh_42]

Massages won't help the tense crystals:

The word tensor (past participle of to span) in its modern meaning is first introduced by Woldemar Voigt in his book 'The fundamental physical properties of crystals in elementary representation' (Leipzig, 1898).

 

[WWGD]

Massages won't help the tense crystals:

Woldemar Voigt bit me ( Seinfeld). I should be the tense one.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jtbell]

Said one mole to the other mole: "No, it's your turn to go out today. I got whacked all day yesterday."

 

[BillTre]

 

[mfb]

Before accepting a marriage proposal you have to consider that on one hand, you'll get a really nice ring. On the other hand, you won't.

 

[WWGD]

From my job a while back:

" How many items did you check"?

Me: " A lot"

No, really, how many?

Me: " A whole Lot".

Ok, wise guy, just go on!

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

Getting a burger from the take out window without a car:

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[wrobel]

 

[wrobel]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 272790

Sometimes? I never figured out how it can be read.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

Sometimes? I never figured out how it can be read.

Better read then dead. Or was it the other way around?

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[davenn]

I know a guy with one leg called Dave...
I'm not sure what the other leg's called...

 

[davenn]

 

[BillTre]

The Four Butts of the Apocalypse!

 

[wrobel]

Sometimes? I never figured out how it can be read.

When I try to understand how I can read this, I feel that can not read it anymore :)
The word means "you will be deprived"

 

[fresh_42]

When I try to understand how I can read this, I feel that can not read it anymore :)
The word means "you will be deprived"

It always looks to me as a never ending string of u, w, n, and m, if you are lucky some l or p in between.

For those who want to have a look: https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kyrillisches_Alphabet#Russisch
(cursive version in the first column)

 

[Ibix]

When I try to understand how I can read this, I feel that can not read it anymore :)

I often have this feeling when I try to analyse something I can do without thinking. Pro tip: don't absent mindedly start wondering how your own legs work while you are hurrying down stairs. I spent a panicked half second convincing myself I really did know how to walk...

 

[BillTre]

I took a course in Russian (for science reading), but I don't remember it as cursive.
Wow!

Some of it is quite different from the printed form and many of the individual characters seem similar to each other.
Worse when they are strung together I would guess!

 

[Ibix]

I don't remember it as cursive.

I remember my Russian teacher commenting that the "hand writing" in our text was fake and we weren't ready for real Cyrillic handwriting yet. I see what he meant now.

 

[BillTre]

Exploding Whale video.

 

[Bystander]

Pull the other one. No one could possibly be THAT stupid.

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ibix]

So I've got an ear worm courtesy of the poor dead whale.

For the first tims in history
It's going to start rainin' whale

It's rainin' whale! Hallelujah!
It's rainin' whale! Amen!

Etcetera.

 

[BillTre]

Reminds me of a Randy Newman song about the river in Cleveland burning:

 

[DrGreg]

Not just Russian...

 

[wrobel]

Exploding Whale video.

sickest solution! )

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[jack action]

 

[WWGD]

There is an actor called Christian Slater. Would be nice if he made a movie with someone called Mo Slimsnau...( Mo Slimsnau and Christian Slater).

 

[strangerep]

There is an actor called Christian Slater. [...]

That one took me a few moments...