Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

I thought this picture is about education of guys who neglect the parking rules and block other cars. In Moscow it is a widespread education technology

Traffic in Moscow is synonymous to nightmare. The roads are extraordinary wide, yet you manage to jam them.

 

[wrobel]

Traffic in Moscow is synonymous to nightmare.

oh, yes. there is no work in the suburb

 

[phinds]

Do not iron.

Actually, I think the full instruction, for the younger generation, is "do not iron while wearing".

 

[etotheipi]

Today's owner's manuals warn you not to drink the contents of the battery.

Well, it does taste better than eating the powder from the little AA batteries. Car batteries are a decent source of electrolytes, too. Don't knock it until you try it!

 

[256bits]

Too late. What now?

Add starch, and you can just jump right into them in the morning.
A real time saver.

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jack action]

I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery.

I had them tested and one came back positive.

I hope it's not terminal.

 

[WWGD]

 

[davenn]

When you hear the captain saying: "Hello, here speaks your captain ..."

On our sea cruise up and down the coast of British Colombia / SE Alaska in 2019
The captain would always come on the intercom each morning exclaiming things like
" good morning, this is your captain speaking, I am pleased to announce that the ship is still upright and cruising at a steady 25 knots..."

 

[strangerep]

[Photo of a guy poking a girl's backside with his finger??]

I don't get it. What am I missing?

 

[Ibix]

I don't get it. What am I missing?

He's making the gesture Spiderman uses to shoot web from his wrist.

 

[phinds]

He's making the gesture Spiderman uses to shoot web from his wrist.

But it looks obscene in this context

 

[Ibix]

But it looks obscene in this context

Does it? I just see a joke where her jumper looks like spiderweb and the cameraman is pretending to be Spiderman catching her with a web. I can't see it as him touching her backside because the perspective is way off for that.

 

[Keith_McClary]

But it looks obscene in this context

It's in the eye of the beholder.

 

[BillTre]

Cookie Monster Fossilized?

 

[etotheipi]

 

[etotheipi]

 

[etotheipi]

 

[jack action]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[jack action]

 

[mfb]

The reason these toys are critical as kids:

Not every lesson learned there is useful.

Let's see if embedding works:

 

[anorlunda]

I first heard this one from Harrison Ford.

A grocery store employee was stocking shelves.
A woman came and asked, "Where is the broccoli?"
The man said, "Sorry. We're out of broccoli. We'll have more tomorrow."
A minute later the same woman asked again, "Where is the broccoli?"
The man said, "I told you. We're out of broccoli."
A minute later the woman got right in his face. She said, "I can't find the broccoli."
The man said, "Do me a favor lady. How do you spell cat as in catastrophe?"
She said, "C A T."
He said, "How do you spell dog as in dogma?"
She said, "D O G."
He said, "How do you spell freak as in broccoli?"
She said, "But there is no freak in broccoli."
He said, "That's what I've been trying to tell you lady."

 

[anorlunda]

 

[jtbell]

Have you heard about Jimmy Kimmel's new TV show?

It's sort of like those British baking competition shows. Contestants start with a set of fabrics and other materials, and work simultaneously for a fixed amount of time to see who can make the best-looking hat.

It's called "Who Wants to Be a Milliner?"

(Hint if you don't "get" it: Kimmel's current game show)

 

[256bits]

View attachment 276940​

Maybe the guy is taking it OUT of the car.
Never assume.
Never assume.

 

[Borg]

Maybe the guy is taking it OUT of the car.
Never assume.
Never assume.

Maybe they Googled "how to have a smoother ride in your car".

 

[256bits]

Maybe they Googled "how to have a smoother ride in your car".

OK I bit.
Google comes up with potholes and bad tires.

Could be the guy misinterpreted and he thought "if you are tired while driving ... "

 

[jack action]

Maybe the guy is taking it OUT of the car.
Never assume.
Never assume.

Sounds like what someone who didn't play the game as a kid would say.

 

[Keith_McClary]

Maybe the guy is taking it OUT of the car.
Never assume.

I don't understand, the mattress was no problem.

(Queen size Casper in two door hatchback.)

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[DrGreg]

I suppose that's a variant of the suggestion that, instead of airbags, every car should be fitted with a sharp, pointed spike attached to the centre of the steering wheel, pointed at the driver's chest. That would make people drive more carefully.

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 277114

...or they really don't like a regular passenger.

 

[jack action]

I suppose that's a variant of the suggestion that, instead of airbags, every car should be fitted with a sharp, pointed spike attached to the centre of the steering wheel, pointed at the driver's chest. That would make people drive more carefully.

Actually the early vehicles were equipped with such mechanism, i.e the steering column itself. Then they invented the collapsible steering column. I guess they didn't work as intended.

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[jack action]

 

[phinds]

 

[jtbell]

News flash: An American tradition has been updated.

On Tuesday (Groundhog Day), if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, it will mean six more months of pandemic.

 

[phinds]

News flash: An American tradition has been updated.

On Tuesday (Groundhog Day), if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, it will mean six more months of pandemic.

Not to worry. See post #8,973

 

[Keith_McClary]

See post #8,973

https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/collection-of-lame-jokes.25301/post-6449761

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[Frigus]

Me before exams:-
I will procrastinate tomorrow.

 

[jbriggs444]

[From the 80's]
A car has a flat tire and a DEC Field Service engineer is summoned to address the situation.

He swaps all four tires until he finds the one that's flat.

 

[jtbell]

This is what Jelly Belly does with jelly beans that don't meet their quality control standards: