Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

Did you ever wonder what those German airship pilots ended up doing?

Perhaps not coincidentally, it was about a 20-mile drive from the Goodyear Airdock in Akron.

 

[jack action]

If you say "rise up lights" you sound like an Australian saying "razor blades".

 

[phinds]

 

[Ibix]

What kind of exercises do lazy people do?

Diddly squats.

 

[gmax137]

If you say "rise up lights" you sound like an Australian saying "razor blades".

flashback to "Strine"
https://www.physicsforums.com/threa...mispronounced-want-to-etc.989927/post-6353508

 

[jack action]

One evening, an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruits. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw that it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of its presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him: "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

[BillTre]

Dogs doing Frisbees weird:

 

[Keith_McClary]

 

[BigDon]

So for a number of years I had a very serious personal physician (not the joke yet) and due to several issues would see him regularly four times a year. And each time I saw him I would attempt to try to get him to "break character" by cracking a joke, which became a game after third visit. Despite his youth, (from my perspective), he was the head of the hospital and probably had a lot to be grim about. I lucked out in making his panel. After nearly twelve years I only saw him smile twice where you could see teeth.

(This joke is meant to be verbal, so bear with me please.)

What do you call the reconstructive surgery John Bobbit received after being emasculated by his wife?
An Addadictomy.

That was the only one I caught him on. (Plumber's jokes didn't seem to work at all.)

The only other time I saw him smile "out loud" was a nearly Spock-like reaction when I came out of a coma when I wasn't expected to. You know, the Ponfar episode. I woke up when the nurse touched my wrist to call time on me. For a moment the entire Universe seemed to be that nurse's fingers touching the inside of my forearm, then I came awake with a very deep, shuddering breath.

She went and got the doctor, who was right outside and at first he looked at me, then *looked* at me and his face did all those things Leonard Nemoy's did when he saw Kirk wasn't dead.

He recovered, addressed me formally by my surname and said, "Am I very glad to see you!"
With emphasis not usually applied to that statement.

 

[jtbell]

The Mars rover "Perseverance" has analyzed its first soil samples. They're suspiciously like caramel icing, with chunks of chocolate cookie.

The folks at Krispy Kreme tweeted, "We told you so!"

 

[BillTre]

 

[mfb]

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?She wanted to see the Task Manager.

 

[jack action]

 

[gmax137]

View attachment 278312

Not quite sure what I'm looking at here?

 

[Keith_McClary]

Not quite sure what I'm looking at here?

what I'm looking at here?

A boot. Sole at bottom right.

 

[gmax137]

Thanks @Keith_McClary that one has been bugging me.

 

[Klystron]

Not quite sure what I'm looking at here?

A boot. Sole at bottom right.

I saw the boot with the semi-detached 'waterproof' label but am unsure about the intended humor. Is the joke that a waterproof boot has ben washed up in a gutter? Not intending to beat this to death. I sometimes read comments on sites such as GoComics to help explain jokes and cultural references.

 

[DaveC426913]

I saw the boot with the semi-detached 'waterproof' label but am unsure about the intended humor. Is the joke that a waterproof boot has ben washed up in a gutter?

"Waterproof" boot has been rendered not waterproof - by the failure of the very thing that claims it is waterproof.

Like writing "non-flammable" on a wall - using Phosphorous sulfide.

 

[wrobel]

 

[Frigus]

When just joined physics forums:-
You can ask me any question.
2 days later:-
Sorry sir,I will try to be better.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[phinds]

View attachment 278559

If you mean to add something to this, you forgot.

 

[davenn]

If you mean to add something to this, you forgot.

I assume you are well aware of how bad it's been in parts of TX over the last week or two
Been quite different to the usual sunny weather

 

[phinds]

Yes

I assume you are well aware of how bad it's been in parts of TX over the last week or two

Yes, that's why I posted this several posts prior to your posting it.

 

[jtbell]

The Minnesota Department of Transportation is having a contest to name eight new snowplows. Here are some of the entries:

Plow Bunyan
Snowbi Wan Kenobi
Mary Tyler More Snow
Edward Blizzardhands
Lake Snowbegone
Plowy McPlowFace

One rejected entry was "Abolish Ice". Too political.

Voting ends on Friday, Feb. 26.

 

[DrGreg]

Reminds me of this sign:

Beware of Evel Knievel

Spoiler: Really?

For those who don't live in countries that use this sign, it really means "Motor vehicles prohibited"

 

[davenn]

we don't have that one here in Oz or NZ

A car with a red slash through it would make more sense and be more understandable

 

[mfb]

A car with a red slash through it would make more sense and be more understandable

Only sports cars!

(Source)

 

[Vanadium 50]

is having a contest to name eight new snowplows.

Good for them. In the words of Ethel Merman, "There's no business like snow business."

 

[Ibix]

Plow Bunyan

Plow Revere? You could fit a speaker that repeats "The snowflakes are coming!".

 

[jtbell]

I wonder how those guys who drive the snowplows get to the snowplows nowadays.

 

[Vanadium 50]

If we're going to do VW ads (real or imagined), it's hard to beat:

If Ted Kennedy drove a Volkswagen, he'd be President today.

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

I once turned a normal diode into an LED by wiring it in the wrong way round so there was a short circuit through it.

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[jtbell]

News from the Red Planet: The Martian Bureau of Investigation and the Department of Home Planet Security have issued a joint alert. All Martians should be on the lookout for alien terrorist drones conducting surveillance of sensitive infrastructure targets.

 

[jack action]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[Keith_McClary]

@phinds You can't spot his Kevlar underpants because of his camouflage suit.

 

[256bits]

Reminds me of the old joke where the woodsman needed a new saw.
Salesman convinced him to buy a chain saw.
A week later the woodsman returned, furious, telling the salesman that he could cut only a cord day with that newfangled saw, not the three the salesman had guaranteed.
Salesman checked the saw saying that there their must be something the matter with it.
He started it up.
Woodsman says, " What's that noise?"

 

[256bits]

Looks like he could be checking the dipstick for his 2-cycle engine.

 

[jack action]

 

[Vanadium 50]

Albania, Albania!
You border on - the - A - dri - atic.
Your land is mostly mountainous.
And your chief export is chrome.

 

[Vanadium 50]

I think not everyone got the reference:

 

[kuruman]

Just in case the mask you're wearing keeps you-know-who away.

 

[fresh_42]

Just in case the mask you're wearing keeps you-know-who away.

View attachment 279089

I have bought a satanizers which I can carry around. Just in case.