Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

Just in case the mask you're wearing keeps you-know-who away.

View attachment 279089

They do say that idle hands are the devil's playthings.

 

[kuruman]

I have bought a satanizers which I can carry around. Just in case.

I didn't know you can buy them. I found it very hard to resist the temptation and not steal the one next to the sign.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jack action]

 

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[BillTre]

 

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[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

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[jack action]

Good luck traffic camera!

 

[DaveC426913]

Ah. Little Bobby Tables turns 18!

 

[mfb]

; DROP TABLE "COMPANIES";-- LTD
This is an actual company

">< SCRIPT SRC=HTTPS://MJT.XSS.HT> LTD
This was an actual company, it's now called THAT COMPANY WHOSE NAME USED TO CONTAIN HTML SCRIPT TAGS LTD

https://www.theregister.com/2020/10/30/companies_house_xss_silliness/

Note that I had to escape the second company name internally to get the forum to post it. It does sanitize the inputs, of course, but it still doesn't want some codes in the posts.

 

[jack action]

March 2021:

Pretty much the same as March 2020, but now we have toilet paper.

 

[DrClaude]

View attachment 279242​

Before you try a stunt like that, learn how to spell...

 

[jack action]

Before you try a stunt like that, learn how to spell...

I think that is how he got caught. Makes you wonder how many get away with it.

 

[Keith_McClary]

but now we have toilet paper

Vaccines are the new toilet paper.

 

[jtbell]

Why did the guy name his dogs Rolex and Timex?

Because they're his watch dogs.

 

[DaveC426913]

There was a dog (Long Haired Daschund) on last night's America's Funniest Home People named Rolex.

 

[jack action]

- Thank you for introducing me to minimalism.

- It is the least I could do.

 

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[jack action]

 

[etotheipi]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 279479

So true. I once received the shortest offense ever by an - let's be honest - English, not British man: "Don't get me wrong, I haven't complaint ... (very brief pausing for the comma), yet." And I am sure that the other guy who heard this, too, had no idea it was insulting.

Another occasion (having my English colleague proof read my email, addressed to other colleagues across the channel): Me: "But this is not true!" Her: "I know, but it is what you should write. I am English, we lie."

 

[Keith_McClary]

View attachment 279479

Does Google Translate know this stuff?

 

[fresh_42]

Does Google Translate know this stuff?

No. I regularly use it to get the main parts of a text translated. With the exception of a few standard aphorisms, it is dumb as bread! Even a 1-1 dictionary is often better.

But those dialogues with English colleagues were the best practice ever I had on reading between the lines, instead of on the lines! The crucial thing is to figure out when to do and when not. In the evening at the hotel bar things change to normal, even though with some obvious understatements or exaggerations in between.

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 279479

Apparently one of the reasons for the existence of NATO standard vocabulary is an incident when a British officer reported being "in a bit of a sticky situation" to an American superior, who did not know enough about British military culture to understand that this meant "almost out of ammo and they're bringing up tanks".

 

[BillTre]

 

[jtbell]

Why did the guy name his dogs Rolex and Timex?

Because they're his watch dogs.

Now that I think of it, Rolex must be a $10,000 French bulldog and Timex must be a shelter mutt.

 

[Borg]

View attachment 279479

I used the first one with my wife too many times and now she understands the British version.

 

[Keith_McClary]

I don't think Google does, but there are:
British to American English Converter
and
AMERICAN TO BRITISH TRANSLATOR

 

[fresh_42]

I don't think Google does, but there are:
British to American English Converter
and
AMERICAN TO BRITISH TRANSLATOR

Could it be that it only changes the usual suspects, like c to z?

 

[mjc123]

"Oh incidentally/by the way" is not just a Britishism. Columbo uses it regularly!

 

[jtbell]

Skiier #1: "Look at what's coming down the hill behind us!"

Skiier #2: "Man, that's one piste off bear!"

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

What's an astronaut's favourite part of a computer?

The space bar.

 

[jack action]

 

[Demystifier]

Chuck Norris always comes first, even when the order is alphabetical.

 

[jack action]

- What are you going to do today?

- I'm going to buy glasses with my friend.

- OK, then what will you do?

- We'll see.

 

[pinball1970]

Does Google Translate know this stuff?

Thats brilliant

I saw a similar version of this but a women to men translator. What she says, what you hear, what she meant kind of thing.

Very funny but not suitable for pf

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jack action]

 

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[jack action]

- How much would it cost to buy a singing ensemble?

- You mean "a choir"?

- Fine. How much would it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?

 

[jack action]

 

[hmmm27]

Actually, in French it is "double v"
... continuez.