Collection of Lame Jokes

[Lancelot59]

Zombie shoe salesman:

Laaaaaaaaccceeeeeeesssss.

 

[Isaacsname]

Zombie shoe salesman:

Laaaaaaaaccceeeeeeesssss.

A zombie dentist

" Brrraaaaaaaccccceeeeesssss "

 

[nismaratwork]

A zombie dentist

" Brrraaaaaaaccccceeeeesssss "

A zombie insomniac


"Paaaaaaccceeesssss"

 

[Borek]

Cowboy enters a bar, puts a cigarette into his lips, takes a gun, fires in some random direction. Bullet ricochets twice, strikes the end of the cigarette and lights it.

- Hi, I am John!

Next cowboy enters a bar, puts a cigarette into his lips, takes a gun, fires in some random direction. Bullet ricochets thrice, strikes the end of the cigarette and lights it.

- Hi, I am Jack!

Next cowboy enters a bar, puts a cigarette into his lips, takes a gun, fires in some random direction. Bullet ricochets four times, kills a bartender.

- Hi, I am sorry.

 

[Isaacsname]

Not a joke but a question

Why is it, that if I get tattoos, I'm hip, and if I draw on myself with markers, I'm crazy ?

..who's makin' these rules anyway ?

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Not a joke but a question

Why is it, that if I get tattoos, I'm hip, and if I draw on myself with markers, I'm crazy ?

..who's makin' these rules anyway ?

Markers will wear off.

 

[Isaacsname]

A down-on-his-luck piano player spots a " Jazz bar piano player wanted " sign in the window of a bar one day.

He walks in, go's over to the bar and says

" I can play, but I don't do covers, are you interested..? "

The bartender looks up, " ..Ok,..go ahead and play me a quick tune, I'll have a listen . "

The piano player hops up on stage and deftly renders an incredible original composition.

The bartender is almost stunned to tears..." What do you call that song.. it was beautiful .."

The Man replies "..Well, to be honest, I name my songs after things that happen to me, so I call that one " My ex-wife took everything I had, and now I'm sleeping in my car underneath the bridge. "

The bartender is like

...but asks for another demonstration of the man's abilities.

Once again the pianoman weaves a musical tapestry versed with the spirit of all the jazz greats.

The bartender says " I'm a little reluctant to ask,...but what do you call that one ..? "

He replies " Hey, look what I just stepped in ! "

The bartender is a little concerned with the song names, but tells the man to come back at 6 and give it a go.


Around 8 the man takes a bathroom break, when he comes out of the bathroom, the next man in line who'd been waiting to use the john says

" Hey man, do you know your fly's open ? "

The piano players looks at the man

.." pppfttt...know it ? "

" I wrote it "

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

A photographist zombie?

" Frrrraaaaaaammmmmeeeesssssss "

I just realized that I got the exact 1000th post on this thread!

 

[mugaliens]

One camel says to the other, "I don't care what anyone says, I'm thirsty."

 

[mugaliens]

Did you hear about the stickup on the bridge?

No.

Who threw it up there?

 

[Isaacsname]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with an octopus ?

You get an elephant that eats a lot of peanuts.

 

[lisab]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with an octopus ?

|elephant||octopus|*sin θ

 

[Isaacsname]

|elephant||octopus|*sin θ

'hangs head'

...I'm a flop at maths, I wish I understood the humor in that, I bet it's funny.

:shy:

 

[Lancelot59]

|elephant||octopus|*sin θ

Lisa isn't that great either. That's a dot product.

 

[nismaratwork]

'hangs head'

...I'm a flop at maths, I wish I understood the humor in that, I bet it's funny.

:shy:

Imagine they're both lines, or curves... she just made them "cross" on her graph.

I think.

I'm better with the abstract math than actual calculations... oh that was fun in HS.

@mugaliens: You're going to hell, which I don't believe in, for making jokes that bad.

 

[lisab]

Lisa isn't that great either. That's a dot product.

...lol...

 

[mugaliens]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with an octopus ?

You get an elephant that eats a lot of peanuts.

I thought that went like, "What do you get when you cross a crocodile with an abalone?" A crocabolone.

 

[mugaliens]

Lisa isn't that great either. That's a dot product.

I'll take her dot product to half else.

 

[nismaratwork]

I thought that went like, "What do you get when you cross a crocodile with an abalone?" A crocabolone.

Heh, how have I not heard that one before?!

 

[Lancelot59]

I'll take her dot product to half else.

What?

 

[Isaacsname]

Imagine they're both lines, or curves... she just made them "cross" on her graph.

I think.

I'm better with the abstract math than actual calculations... oh that was fun in HS.

@mugaliens: You're going to hell, which I don't believe in, for making jokes that bad.

Ok, I think I understand that

I have too much catching up to do in maths.

 

[nismaratwork]

Ok, I think I understand that

I have too much catching up to do in maths.

Me too it seems!

 

[jtbell]

I just realized that I got the exact 1000th post on this thread!

Either you need new glasses or you're posting in an alternate PF. I see #1018 on that post.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Ok, I think I understand that

I have too much catching up to do in maths.

See "cross product" and "vector calculus". The joke was a play on the language used when taking the cross product of two vectors [or in this case, calculating the magnitude of that value].

I remember asking about cross products before taking calculus, and no one would give me a straight answer.

 

[nismaratwork]

Either you need new glasses or you're posting in an alternate PF. I see #1018 on that post.

He's a fan of the MWI.

 

[Dembadon]

Either you need new glasses or you're posting in an alternate PF. I see #1018 on that post.

I think he means https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=3172835&postcount=1000" post.

 

[nismaratwork]

I think he means https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=3172835&postcount=1000" post.

Wow...

@jtbell: Sleeep... sleeeeeeeeeeep.


@ivan: I feel like an idiot, and probably should. I just saw, "sin" and... assumed. Back to the PF library for me!

 

[mugaliens]

Key input, folks: If you don't get it, it's not a joke, but only not to you. It's probably still funny to many others who do get it. There's a word, at the tip of my mind, which simply means, "I may not get it, but they do, and I respect the fact that they get a joke and I have enough composure to respect that."

Sadly, that "word" remains as elusive as the gold in that mystic land of S. America.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Wow...

@jtbell: Sleeep... sleeeeeeeeeeep.


@Ivan: I feel like an idiot, and probably should. I just saw, "sin" and... assumed. Back to the PF library for me!

Oh, heh, I thought you were just joking around. Yeah, that was a specific reference to cross products.

 

[mugaliens]

As for "lame" jokes, the Dick Van Dyke Show is available on Hulu. I've been busting a gut for the last week. Several hundred episodes available, so it'll take months, if not years. :)

Just... Do it. Re-discover the roots of American humor.

 

[nismaratwork]

Oh, heh, I thought you were just joking around. Yeah, that was a specific reference to cross products.

I wish, but no... I'm learning math later in life... it seems easier now than it did when I was younger... makes no sense, but there it is.

@mugs: Preference? Taste? Restraint? Pornography? Leaf? Weasel? Lattice?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I wish, but no... I'm learning math later in life... it seems easier now than it did when I was younger... makes no sense, but there it is.

In the end it is a 3x3 matrix multiplication.

 

[Isaacsname]

See "cross product" and "vector calculus". The joke was a play on the language used when taking the cross product of two vectors [or in this case, calculating the magnitude of that value].

I remember asking about cross products before taking calculus, and no one would give me a straight answer.

Ahhh,..straight brackets signify magnitude of objects ?

 

[Lancelot59]

Ahhh,..straight brackets signify magnitude of objects ?

The proper notation is actually this:
||vector||
It's also referred to as the norm of the vector. The single lines just mean absolute value, or determinant if your variable is a matrix.

However
||vector1||*||vector2||*sin(angle)
is what's called the dot product of two vectors.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

dot product of two vectors.

The magnitude of the cross product of two vectors...

 

[Lancelot59]

The magnitude of the cross product of two vectors...

...How?

(1,2,3) dot (4,5,6) is 32

(1,2,3) cross (4,5,6) is (-3,6,-3), the norm of which is root(54).

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

If a bag of Cheetos says March 08, turn it upside-down and it'll be good until 2080.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

A Discussion On An Internet Forum, By FtlIsAwesome
Userdude701b Ok moron, gravity works like this...

Mentor4 Userdude701b, such behavior is not acceptable

forumguy5 See this link. Does that help moron?

member99 seems like moron hasnt posted in a while i wonder where moron went

Mentor4 What is with you people?

forumguy5 He's moron.

Mentor4 That's it--

moron its ok that's my username

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I just had to steal this from someone's signature on another forum site!
Beware of quotes on the Internet. They may be inaccurate. - Thomas Jefferson

 

[Isaacsname]

"Mmmmmmphhhhhmmmmm.?!..mppphhhmmmm.!..mmmbbpphhmmmmmmbbbpppphmmmmmmm...mmmmppphhhhmmm...! "


~ Some guy with tape over his mouth

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

"Mmmmmmphhhhhmmmmm.?!..mppphhhmmmm.!..mmmbbpphhmmmmmmbbbpppphmmmmmmm...mmmmppphhhhmmm...! "


~ Some guy with tape over his mouth

How do you know its a guy?

 

[Isaacsname]

How do you know its a guy?

Better be, that's what I paid for this time..

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Better be, that's what I paid for this time..

Well then, why'd you pay for a guy?

And what'd you do if it wasn't?

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

...How?

(1,2,3) dot (4,5,6) is 32

(1,2,3) cross (4,5,6) is (-3,6,-3), the norm of which is root(54).

A \cdot B = |A||B| \cos \theta
|A \times B| = |A||B| \sin \theta
Consider unit vectors i and j. The angle theta between them is 90 degrees, so cos theta is 0 and sin theta is 1.

 

[BobG]

A lame joke thread is incomplete without Florence Jenkins and McGonagall . Bad poetry and mangled opera go hand in hand with lame jokes.

For your viewing pleasure

I'm kind of impressed by Cosme McMoon's piano playing. It had to be hard to stay in synch with the interesting tempo of Jenkins' singing style. Too bad there's no recordings of her after her car wreck. As a result of the wreck, she was able to hit a higher 'F' note than she'd ever hit before (instead of suing the taxicab driver, she bought him a box of expensive cigars). Jenkins was a rather fascinating woman who sold out Carnegie Hall at the age of 76.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCa0Jn5W1ew

 

[Isaacsname]

Well then, why'd you pay for a guy?

And what'd you do if it wasn't?

Tastes better with fava beans and cheap Chianti.

I'd demand a refund, what else..?

 

[Isaacsname]

I'm kind of impressed by Cosme McMoon's piano playing. It had to be hard to stay in synch with the interesting tempo of Jenkins' singing style. Too bad there's no recordings of her after her car wreck. As a result of the wreck, she was able to hit a higher 'F' note than she'd ever hit before (instead of suing the taxicab driver, she bought him a box of expensive cigars). Jenkins was a rather fascinating woman who sold out Carnegie Hall at the age of 76.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCa0Jn5W1ew

There's something about that women that is growing on me,...similar to a fungal infection.

I put a small speaker next to my birdfeeder, just out of curiosity about some things, ...the looks the birds have when I play them Mrs. Jenkins is pretty funny.

Just like people, they cock their heads and their eyes bug out .

" What...the...hell...is...that...? "

 

[BobG]

There's something about that women that is growing on me,...similar to a fungal infection.

I put a small speaker next to my birdfeeder, just out of curiosity about some things, ...the looks the birds have when I play them Mrs. Jenkins is pretty funny.

Just like people, they cock their heads and their eyes bug out .

" What...the...hell...is...that...? "

This is how it should sound. (There's just something about men in tuxedos laughing that gets to me.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V28UvMf-Vpw

 

[Isaacsname]

This is how it should sound. (There's just something about men in tuxedos laughing that gets to me.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V28UvMf-Vpw

Aaawww man, that was beautiful...that's a sure sign that I know I'm getting old.

...I like opera...

 

[Lancelot59]

A \cdot B = |A||B| \cos \theta
|A \times B| = |A||B| \sin \theta
Consider unit vectors i and j. The angle theta between them is 90 degrees, so cos theta is 0 and sin theta is 1.

Right...okay.