Collection of Lame Jokes

[256bits]

I can see you brought home the Dalmatian. What about the mulled wine?

If he is glowing there could possibly be no wine left to display. ( Gluhwein )

 

[davenn]

I have a friend who's a professional skier.

His name is Al Pine.

 

[kuruman]

My uncle was a conductor.He got hit by lightning.

 

[DrGreg]

My uncle was a conductor.He got hit by lightning.

My uncle tried to be a conductor, but he couldn't get his train to play any musical instrument.

Alternative version for UK readers:

My uncle tried to be a conductor, but he couldn't get his bus to play any musical instrument.

 

[mfb]

My uncle tried to be a conductor, but faced too much resistance.

 

[Vanadium 50]

My uncle tried to be a conductor, but faced too much resistance.

True story - we once replaced a sign that said "No admittance" with one that said "No admittance - infinite impedance".

 

[Ibix]

My uncle tried to be a conductor, but faced too much resistance.

I tried to get a job as a conductor, but they sent me Ohm.

 

[gmax137]

True story - we once replaced a sign that said "No admittance" with one that said "No admittance - infinite impedance".

how did the crowd react?

 

[gmax137]

my grandpappy was a plumber out in the farmlands. his name was Doug Wells.

 

[BillTre]

Once saw a sign on a large grating covered hole in the wall.
The original sign "air intake" was replaced by
"Danger, entrance to warped space, Physic Dept. only".

 

[Vanadium 50]

how did the crowd react?

With resistance.

 

[Vanadium 50]

Some with reluctance.

 

[kuruman]

Any transients among the crowd?

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

Reminds me of the BOFH's Etherkiller - a mains plug on one end and an RJ45 jack on the other...

 

[fresh_42]

Everyone always laughed at me when I said that I would become a stand-up comedian. Now they are not laughing anymore!

 

[mfb]

Why do you consider a career in mirror manufacturing?I could see myself doing that.

 

[Ibix]

Every morning when I enter the bathroom I say a little prayer. It's my shaving grace.

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

Will this post get ban because it talks about a perpetual motion machine?

 

[mfb]

Not perpetual motion, the motion will stop very rapidly at the bottom of the cliff.

 

[gmax137]

Will this post get ban because it talks about a perpetual motion machine?

It's just a bathtub in free-fall

 

[mfb]

On a more serious note: This is similar to how astronauts wash in space. Take a bit of water and soap, rub it over your body. Soak it up with a towel. It does save a lot of water.

 

[fresh_42]

It's just a bathtub in free-fall

Bad news is, if you want to shower for ten minutes, you will have to fall for 1766 km. But the good news is: you will automatically dry on re-entry!

 

[jbriggs444]

Bad news is, if you want to shower for ten minutes, you will have to fall for 1766 km. But the good news is: you will automatically dry on re-entry!

Or before. Body heat should be enough to freeze-dry the skin. Better lather quick before the water hardens though.

 

[mfb]

There are these upwards wind tunnels where you can "fall down" for as long as they have electricity. Slow them down and you can stand on the ground while the water doesn't fall down.

 

[fresh_42]

There are these upwards wind tunnels where you can "fall down" for as long as they have electricity. Slow them down and you can stand on the ground while the water doesn't fall down.

You can have the same horizontally even without electricity in any town with sufficiently high skyscrapers.

 

[Klystron]

Will this post get ban because it talks about a perpetual motion machine?

View attachment 253610​

Not perpetual motion -- so allowed by PF rules -- but I find the wet stick-figure dude hilarious along with the solemn admonition to save water.

 

[WWGD]

Dalai Lama applying for a permit:

Date of Birth:
...

...
1-1- 23 BC
...
...

2-23-157

...

...

6-29-35