Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion.
I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

Apparently the cops used to use tongue twisters as sobriety tests in the days before cheap portable breathalysers. The BBC panel show QI did a segment on it, concluding that (even sober) they'd just pay the fine and save themselves the bother. "Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie" was my favourite.

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

My friend decided to travel to Finland after hearing it is the place of the original Lapp dance.

 

[davenn]

not bad :)

 

[jack action]

 

[AlexCaledin]

https://pin.it/tycie35uj6wnpa

 

[jack action]

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

OMG ... You Americans, what the ... ? hahahha

I had to Google Earth a few of them to make sure they really existed

 

[WWGD]

OMG ...

I had to Google Earth a few of them to make sure they really existed

View attachment 255801

You can Google the Earth directly? Wait till my grandma hears of it; she still gets into taxis and says "Take me to the internet, pronto!"

 

[davenn]

The Perks of Being Over 60...
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

 

[Ibix]

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

I think it was this guy...

 

[davenn]

I think it was this guy...

hahaha very similar, a few variations that was a long while ago

 

[Keith_McClary]

I doubt this, projecting from the number of things I still seem to learn the hard way in my forties...

I blame it on the proliferation of insufficiently idiot-proof products

 

[Ibix]

I blame it on the proliferation of insufficiently idiot-proof products

Evolution in action - every time engineers develop an idiot-proof product, nature develops a better idiot.

I'm intrigued to note that "idiot" did not seem to be in my phone's auto-complete. It was offering "idiom".

 

[BillTre]

 

[256bits]

View attachment 255822

That is really really tongue n cheek.

 

[davenn]

Spoiler: spoiler

censorship

 

[Wrichik Basu]

Another age-related one, posted by @davenn back in 2014:

https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/todays-giggle.765484/post-4819672

 

[davenn]

Another age-related one, posted by @davenn back in 2014:

https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/todays-giggle.765484/post-4819672

HUH ? ... I don't get the connection, the posts are totally different

 

[davenn]

 

[Borg]

I wonder if those contacts are all above board?

 

[mfb]

What I do have are a very particular set of contacts, contacts I have acquired over a very long career, contacts that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my glasses go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you through my contacts, I will find you, and I will look through my glasses again.

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

South Florida can be a dangerous place to walk around at night, this time of year.

Some people gather up the iguanas and sell the meat. Chicken of the trees, anyone?

 

[Ibix]

Iguana know where my chicken comes from...

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 255927​

David Mitchell did a lengthy rant about professionally lettered signs offering "accomodation". He suggested that the sign writers knew full well that it was spelled wrong, but applied "the customer is always right" with malice aforethought, since there was a good chance of a repeat gig from people who realized they'd spelt their own business name wrong...

 

[jack action]

App developers can be funny too (emphasis mine):

What's New
More sorting functions added
Ability to find up to 300 search results
Major bugs fixed
Added more bugs to fix later

 

[WWGD]

Parachutes are not for people who want to go skydiving but for people who want to go skydiving more than once.