Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

Almost sensical:
Epis

If it is a she, call her pistantrophobe, if it is a he, just say "Gesundheit!"

No, I am a pistachiophile. Mostachio-Pistachio. And the Walmart..er Walrus, and everything else.

 

[WWGD]

You mean im-pert-inent?

Isn't this a strange word: " Impertinent" : Saying or doing things that don't pertain somehow.

 

[fresh_42]

Isn't this a strange word: " Impertinent" : Saying or doing things that don't pertain somehow.

Here it's the word for intellectual show offs. Common people use a word which translates as not-ashamed.

 

[WWGD]

... which translates as not-ashamed.

Constanza!

 

[Keith_McClary]

Word for the Day:
Excaligator:

Reward offered to anyone who can remove the tire around this poor crocodile's neck

I know crocs aren't gators, but there could be some synergy here.

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

Why are some countries blue and some yellow?

 

[Ibix]

Why are some countries blue and some yellow?

I wondered if it was later joiners, but Portugal and Spain joined at the same time - so not that

 

[jack action]

Why are some countries blue and some yellow?

After a search on tineye, I found this:

 

[jtbell]

Word for the Day:
Excaligator:

View attachment 256404

When I saw that picture, my first thought was “Swiss army alligator.”

 

[fresh_42]

“Swiss army alligator.”

Can't be. Swiss army knives are called Sackmesser in Switzerland. And it does not stick in the gators sack.

 

[Ibix]

Did you hear about the guy who took British Airways to court after they put his luggage on the wrong plane? He lost his case.

Side note: we flew once and the airline's ground staff had no computers (scuttlebut was a fire had taken out the data center and the backup data center, which was in the next room). Our luggage ended up in a different city. My wife phoned up a day or so later to enquire about the status of our lost luggage, to be informed that our luggage was not lost. They knew exactly where it was. It just wasn't in the same place as us.

 

[Ibix]

If I had to describe myself in three words, I'd say "not good at counting".

 

[Ibix]

What's brown and runs round your garden?

Your fence.

 

[davenn]

What's brown and runs round your garden?

Your fence.

So you don't have the traditional " white picket fence" ?

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

So you don't have the traditional " white picket fence" ?

I knew somebody was going to say that. But my fence is unpainted, so it's actually brown.

 

[jack action]

What does diarrhea have in common with an electric car?

Spoiler: Answer

The fear of not arriving home!

 

[Keith_McClary]

Infertility is hereditary.

If your parents did not have children, you will not get any either.

Descendants of extinct tortoise species found in Galapagos

 

[mfb]

What does diarrhea have in common with an electric car?

Spoiler: Answer

The fear of not arriving home!

What does diarrhea have in common with petrol cars?

Spoiler

Running with liquids

 

[mfb]

What is common between electric cars and liquid nitrogen - but only in the US?

Spoiler

No gas

 

[Ibix]

What is common between electric cars and liquid nitrogen - but only in the US?

Spoiler

No gas

What is common between electric cars and drag racers (again, only in the US)?

Spoiler

NO gas

Spoiler

Spoilers are more common on drag racers, though.

 

[jack action]

Normally, I don't take these seriously, but this one is real! I had to write 'antivirus for c' on www.google.com, but it did show up in the suggestions!

 

[fresh_42]

Do you count calories, too?

No, I trust that they're all there.

 

[Ibix]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye, matey.

 

[WWGD]

Why are some countries blue and some yellow?

Some countries feel blue over Brexit.

 

[WWGD]

Not quite a lame joke but a strange , grammatically-correct but my brain rebels against accepting it; seems like a grammatical version of optical illusions where picture seems to show different things depending on the angle and the way you approach them:

Greeks were fighting machines. I am not fighting machines.

 

[Ibix]

Greeks were fighting machines. I am not fighting machines.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

[fresh_42]

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Venezuela flies likely old equipment.

 

[256bits]

Ice cream and Banana aren't friends anymore.
Banana split.