Collection of Lame Jokes

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In summary: It's a humor that relies on absurdity and unexpectedness. It's not for everyone.Not a fan of surrealism, I take it?In summary, surrealism is an art form that relies on absurdity and unexpectedness, often producing incongruous imagery or effects. It may not be appreciated by everyone, but for those who do, it can be quite humorous.
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_nc_ohc=8qJSPHJDUV0AX9z5p7F&_nc_ht=scontent-dus1-1.jpg
 
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  • #8,052
Boss: «How come I always have to look all over the workplace when I want to see you?»

Employee: «Don't you always say that good employees are hard to find?»
 
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  • #8,053
THE ONION
WASHINGTON—Announcing they were understaffed and needed all citizens to pitch in, NASA confirmed Monday that everyone in the country would need to take an hour-long shift looking out for asteroids headed toward Earth. “We don’t have enough astronomers on hand to always be watching the night skies for planet-destroying asteroids, so all of you are going to be assigned a time to help keep watch,” said NASA chief scientist James Green, explaining that he had been forced to crowdsource the work to the American populace after none of the temps sent over by a local employment agency had worked out. “All 318 million of you should be receiving an email with your scheduled patrol. If you can’t make your time slot, that’s fine, but you must find someone to cover for you. All you have to do is keep your eyes peeled for a huge, fiery asteroid on a collision course with Earth. On the off chance you do catch a glimpse of an enormous fireball coming our way, just yell real loud and we’ll send someone over to help.” Following reports of an unknown object hurtling through the atmosphere, NASA added a bunker-digging shift for every American.
 
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  • #8,054
Screen Shot 2020-08-19 at 11.13.18 AM.png
 
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  • #8,055
Howling wolf. We need the howling wolf icon!
 
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  • #8,056
ducks.jpg


"Honey, don't you think we should look for a bigger place before the ducklings arrive?"
 
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  • #8,057
jtbell said:
"Honey, don't you think we should look for a bigger place before the ducklings arrive?"
No problem.
23fc91255c722576ed59fc4cfb31f537.jpg
 
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  • #8,058
Those ducks look SO proud of their brood.
 
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  • #8,059
yup
 
  • #8,060
1597910081248.png
 
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  • #8,061
captain kirk - knock knock.jpg
 
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  • #8,062
phinds said:
Those ducks look SO proud of their brood.
...or else those geese are insulted you're calling their goslings ducklings. :wink:
 
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  • #8,063
tpChVGa.jpg


text: you won't go anywhere in such a look, young lady
 
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  • #8,064
There are roughly 4200 religions. But there is only one flying spaghetti monster.

Don't be fooled by impastas.
 
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  • #8,065
- Doctor, when will we see the end of the COVID-19 pandemic?

- I don't know. I don't know much about politics.
 
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  • #8,066
Screen Shot 2020-08-20 at 4.43.48 PM.png
 
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  • #8,067
nc_ohc=sD-xZeRykQwAX895diI&_nc_ht=scontent.fyhu2-1.jpg
 
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  • #8,069
After seeing the doctor, the patient is waiting for the elevator thinking to himself: "Wait, what was it? Aquarius? No, Pisces, perhaps." Can't figure it out, walks back to the doctor's office and asks: "Hey, doc, was it Pisces?" The doctor looks at him and says: "No, sir, you have Cancer."
 
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  • #8,070
A guy phones in an order of pizza for delivery.

Customer: "That'll be one large super supreme, please."

Clerk: "Would you like it cut into six or eight pieces?"

Customer: "Better make it six. I don't think I could manage to eat eight."
 
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  • #8,071
My wife knows that trick. She will tell me that I can have three pieces and then cuts it into smaller slices each time.
 
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_nc_ohc=wvY3het29rcAX-pBR3m&_nc_ht=scontent-ham3-1.jpg
 
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  • #8,075
My friend got a degree in egyptology, but can't get a job. So he's spending more money to get a PhD, such that he can work teaching other people egyptology.

In his case, college is literally a pyramid scheme.
 
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  • #8,076
jtbell said:
A guy phones in an order of pizza for delivery.

Customer: "That'll be one large super supreme, please."

Clerk: "Would you like it cut into six or eight pieces?"

Customer: "Better make it six. I don't think I could manage to eat eight."
That's a Yogiism. But as Yogi Berra said himself,
Yogi Berra said:
I never said most of the things I said.
 
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  • #8,077
DrClaude said:
But as Yogi Berra said himself,
Yogi Berra said:
I never said most of the things I said.
Related: eventually, all witticisms and pithy observations will be attributed to Mark Twain.
 
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kiss-changes-life.jpg
 
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  • #8,079
scented-candle.jpg
 
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  • #8,080
To all teachers out there, a new cheating method to watch for:

mask-cheat.jpg
 
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  • #8,081
Screen Shot 2020-08-25 at 9.33.39 AM.png
 
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  • #8,082
Can't argue with that logic.
 
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  • #8,083
Screen Shot 2020-08-25 at 1.33.52 PM.png
 
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  • #8,084
Screen Shot 2020-08-25 at 1.42.44 PM.png
 
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  • #8,085
4D1F0181-7D1E-44CD-BE18-810AA8A3B566.jpeg
 
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