Collection of Lame Jokes

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The discussion revolves around sharing and enjoying "lame" jokes, with participants contributing various puns and one-liners. Jokes include classic setups like "A duck walks into a pharmacy..." and "Why did the chicken cross the road?" along with playful wordplay, such as "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick." The humor is characterized by its groan-inducing quality, with many jokes eliciting laughter despite their simplicity. Participants also engage in light banter about the nature of humor, with some jokes being deemed too funny to qualify as "lame." The thread highlights a shared enjoyment of corny humor and the camaraderie that comes from exchanging jokes, creating a lighthearted atmosphere.
  • #11,551
BillTre said:
[...Diet Water...]
Hey, now YOU can buy homeopathic medicine direct from your local supermarket! Don't pay the inflated prices charged by homeopaths ever again!
 
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  • #11,552
strangerep said:
Hey, now YOU can buy homeopathic medicine direct from your local supermarket! Don't pay the inflated prices charged by homeopaths ever again!
I always dilute my water to save money.
 
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  • #11,553
valenumr said:
I always dilute my water to save money.
I dehydrate mine, to save on postage.
 
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  • #11,554
Baluncore said:
I dehydrate mine, to save on postage.
I save postage on blank paper supplies by getting the blank pages emailed to me, which I send to my printer.

(That joke used to work with fax machines.)
 
  • #11,555
Baluncore said:
I dehydrate mine, to save on postage.
I lol'd
 
  • #11,556
Baluncore said:
I dehydrate mine, to save on postage.
I usually freeze it, so it has less energy.
 
  • #11,557
Screenshot_2021-12-22-23-31-32~2.png
 
  • #11,558
Screenshot_2021-12-22-23-31-10~2.png
 
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  • #11,559
X9sqxoq&tn=TkCWDu_njVQASNp5&_nc_ht=scontent-muc2-1.jpg
 
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  • #11,560
From my Facebook feed this morning...

Wolf to Pups.jpg
 
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  • #11,561
valenumr said:
I always dilute my water to save money.
I do, somewhere, have a bottle of deionized water that says "do not dilute" on it. I see what they're getting at, but...
 
  • #11,562
Screenshot_2021-12-23-16-13-40~2.png
 
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  • #11,563
From a conversation just now with my wife when I got home from the grocery store... (If I were a cartoonist, I could draw this one up. But since I'm not, here it is in words. And for the record, we are in our early 60's and my wife is a little hard of hearing and I'm a soft talker)

wife>> What's the magazine?

me>> It's from the History Channel on Navy Seals. I saw it in the check-out line and thought it would be interesting.

wife>> What?!

me>> I thought it would be interesting, so I bought it.

wife>> You bought a magazine about baby seals?!
 
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  • #11,564
berkeman said:
From a conversation just now with my wife when I got home from the grocery store... (If I were a cartoonist, I could draw this one up. But since I'm not, here it is in words. And for the record, we are in our early 60's and my wife is a little hard of hearing and I'm a soft talker)

wife>> What's the magazine?

me>> It's from the History Channel on Navy Seals. I saw it in the check-out line and thought it would be interesting.

wife>> What?!

me>> I thought it would be interesting, so I bought it.

wife>> You bought a magazine about baby seals?!
She knew that baby seals are a lot, lot cuter! And you know what we say here: hope dies last.
 
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  • #11,565
Screen Shot 2021-12-23 at 10.09.51 AM.png
 
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  • #11,566
  • #11,567
Brought to you by the guy who made a drone out of a taxidermy'ed cat:

Screen Shot 2021-12-23 at 10.11.10 AM.png
Comes the ostrich drone:

Screen Shot 2021-12-23 at 10.11.53 AM.png
Still waiting for a flying squirrel.
 
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  • #11,568
BillTre said:
Still waiting for a flying squirrel.
Your order, Sir!

szka%20Bacal_shutterstock_1083016916_1000x750_2020.jpg
 
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  • #11,569
BillTre said:
Comes the ostrich drone:
Let's face it. You should never turn your back on an ostrich drone.
 
  • #11,570
BillTre said:
Comes the ostrich drone
The trouble with ostrich drones is they keep crashing head-first into the sand.
 
  • #11,571
Screenshot_2021-12-23-22-07-47~2.png
 
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  • #11,572
" Dad, you're adopted":
Screenshot_2021-12-23-22-06-28~2.png
 
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  • #11,573
SMBC is weirder than usual today. I will just post the red button popup:
164027417620211223after.png
 
  • #11,574
Screenshot_2021-12-25-15-16-03~2.png
 
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  • #11,575
fresh_42 said:
Your order, Sir!

View attachment 294663
Needs some appendage props.Or better cartoon cred:

Screen Shot 2021-12-25 at 12.49.26 PM.png

Cartoon star: Rocket J. Squirrel
 
  • #11,576
Me, in my freshman days of snobbery that I have left behind:
main-qimg-49f9767f580c060dca4fbf2bb0d8a200-lq.jpeg
 
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  • #11,577
Love is a Skin

love is a skin
that protects you
a warmth that spreads
from the tips of your fingers
to your heart

sorry - not love -
glove, I meant glove
 
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  • #11,578
I went to the cinema last night. the man sitting in front of me had his dog with him. The dog seemed really engrossed in the film. When the film ended, I said to the owner «This might seem weird but your dog seemed to really enjoy that». «Yes I was surprised too, he hated the book.»
 
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  • #11,580
Shouldn't Frosty be a container of steam, then?
 
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  • #11,581
jtbell said:
Shouldn't Frosty be a container of steam, then?
It was but it has condensed and then put in the jug
 
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  • #11,582
I have never understood why people like movie "Matrix" A guy had taken a magic pill and it all began.
 
  • #11,583
wrobel said:
I have never understood why people like movie "Matrix" A guy had taken a pill and it all began.
People also like the bible. A girl had taken an apple and it all began.
 
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  • #11,584
wrobel said:
I have never understood why people like movie "Matrix" A guy had taken a magic pill and it all began.
Pick the movie that you love the most. Someone out there will wonder why on Earth would anyone ever like that movie !
 
  • #11,585
I just meant that pills can make you to see many interesting things
 
  • #11,586
You know you get old when you meet the people you used to see in a bar, now in the drugstore.
 
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  • #11,587
4920d277508158d9a3e1339b09651a2e--classroom-humor-teacher-humor.jpg
 
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  • #11,588
fresh_42 said:
You know you get old when you meet the people you used to see in a bar, now in the drugstore.
As long as you don't see them in the drugstore right after meeting them in a bar. :olduhh:
 
  • #11,589
Ikea employees are customers that never found their way out of the store.
 
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  • #11,590
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas and she told me nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I got her nothing.
 
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  • #11,591
jack action said:
So I got her nothing.
You're in truuuubuuuul...! :oops:
 
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  • #11,593
jack action said:
I went to the cinema last night. the man sitting in front of me had his dog with him. The dog seemed really engrossed in the film. When the film ended, I said to the owner «This might seem weird but your dog seemed to really enjoy that». «Yes I was surprised too, he hated the book.»
I'm not sure if this one has been posted before:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the owner says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a frikkin' liar. He's never been out of the back yard."
 
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  • #11,594
I've just started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make hens meet.
 
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  • #11,595
What do you call a snake that is 3.14159 meters long?
Aπthon!
 
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  • #11,596
What do you call a snake that has a precise length ?
Stretchy.
 
  • #11,597
I asked the librarian where I could find books about paranoia.

She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you."
 
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  • #11,598
jtbell said:
I asked the librarian where I could find books about paranoia.

She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you."
A variation that probably only our British readers will understand:

I went into a library and asked where I could find books about pantomime.

Everybody in the library shouted, "They're behind you!"
 
  • #11,599
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a very attractive woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind but, I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice and yells, "Come on, baby needs new clothes!"

As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"

She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and clothes, and quickly departs.

The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?"

The other answers, "I don't know, I thought you were watching."
 
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  • #11,600
Melbourne Guy said:
What do you call a snake that is 3.14159 meters long?
Aπthon!
Bad puns make me feel numb.
Math puns make me fell number.
 
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