Collection of Lame Jokes

[jack action]

One to celebrate women's day:

«To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.»

 

[Ibix]

One to celebrate women's day:

«To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.»

"Equality is not a female Einstein making Assistant Professor. Equality is when a female schliemel moves ahead as fast as a male schliemel."

 

[jack action]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler: Answer

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.

 

[Ibix]

Nicely written so that the question remains unanswered. I expect you'll bill me £80 for your time?

 

[davenn]

And the antibacterial soaps are complete rubbish - à propos rubbing hands. Since when are viruses bacteria? Water alone is probably far better than antibacterial gels.

True, but these dumbdumbs don't know that, they are the same ones that believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows

 

[davenn]

The ancient people who lived near Mount Vesuvius had no currency.
They purchased items by using their PompeiiPal accounts.

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

Research studies found that McDonald's ordering kiosks were more contaminated than a dirty toilet. McDonald's, being the responsible company it is, has gone on to ...replace all kiosks by dirty toilets.

 

[WWGD]

Another forum I read is discussing people with inappropriate names. Turns out there was a Mr. Hunter who went vegan, and promptly got nicknamed Gatherer.

https://ww2.hunter.cuny.edu/osc/gatherer/

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

Shouldn't A3000 be way too small to see - and even way smaller than a Planck length?

 

[Ibix]

Shouldn't A3000 be way too small to see - and even way smaller than a Planck length?

Good point. And on that scale a piece of paper that is visible to the human eye most definitely cannot be modeled as 2d, so this clearly isn't a scam.

 

[fresh_42]

True, but these dumbdumbs don't know that, they are the same ones that believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows

 

[jtbell]

Some of the acts that were lined up for Coachella before it was postponed:

Miley Virus
Justin Fever
Rage against the Vaccine
Flu Fighters

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 258517

And where do boneless chicken wings come from? How can those boneless chicken even walk?

 

[fresh_42]

And where do boneless chicken wings come from? How can those boneless chicken even walk?

They grow in the same environment as square fish.

 

[davenn]

 

[DrClaude]

And where do boneless chicken wings come from? How can those boneless chicken even walk?

They can't walk, but they can fly!

(We're talking about wings, right?)

 

[davenn]

Q. What medicine do you give to someone who keeps buying sailboats?

A. Antibuyyachtics!

 

[mfb]

aisle B, back

I need your clothes, your booth, and your toilet paper.

 

[Ibix]

How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it down a hill.

How do you annoy Lady Gaga?
Poke 'er face

 

[mfb]

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes a.[/size]pparent.

 

[jtbell]

And where do boneless chicken wings come from? How can those boneless chicken even walk?

 

[jtbell]

Overheard in the cafeteria at the eyewear company:

"I hear the presentations by the candidates for regional manager didn't go well yesterday."

"Yeah, they made real spectacles of themselves."

 

[WWGD]

They can't walk, but they can fly!

(We're talking about wings, right?)

I believe they can fly, I believe they can touch the sky. And that they're amazing with blue cheese dressing.

 

[Jarvis323]

How does a computer scientist choose their socks?

Spoiler

By solving the Weighted Min-Max Sock Mismatch problem.

Why do so many computer scientists not wear socks?

Spoiler

The Weighted Min-Max Sock Mismatch problem is NP hard.

 

[BillTre]

Taking advantage of a bad situation:

 

[BillTre]

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 258589

I read this while sipping on my hisbal tea.

 

[jtbell]

What does an apiarist do with a hive when its swarm leaves or dies, and he's waiting for a new one?

He rents it out as an Air-bee-n-bee.