Collection of Lame Jokes

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I listened to two guys in the supermarket:
"Boss, I made a mistake and ordered too much washing powder."
"No problem. Hang on a sign: 'Only two packages a person'."
 
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Yesterday, I was in a taxi, and I leaned forward to ask the driver a question and I touched his shoulder slightly to get his attention. The guy scream for his life, lost control of the car, almost hit a bus, got on the sidewalk to barely avoid a pole! «Are you crazy?» I said to him, while still shaking nervously.

- «I'm sorry, you really scared me», he replied.

- «I barely touched your shoulder!»

Still shook up, the driver told me: «It's my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.»
 
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jack action said:
Yesterday, I was in a taxi, and I leaned forward to ask the driver a question and I touched his shoulder slightly to get his attention. The guy scream for his life, lost control of the car, almost hit a bus, got on the sidewalk to barely avoid a pole!
I thought this was going to be a social distancing joke...
 
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A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men gets out and goes into the office.

"I need some four-by-two's", he says.

"You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.

The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go check."

Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be acceptable.

"OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"

The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go check," he says.

He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, "we're building a house".
 
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Seems Chuck Norris caught Covid.

Covid 19 put on quaranteen.
 
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The hills were alive with the ...

the hills are closed.jpg
 
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I didn't know my grandma had a gun at all, until I coughed near her house.
 
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If you find yourself stressed during these trying times, try some tomato soup to sooth your soul.

It's good cold. In fact, put it over ice. With vodka.
 
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A blast from the past:

Screen Shot 2020-04-06 at 3.01.05 PM.png
 
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I was bored, so I swapped all the contents of the herbs and spices. My wife hasn't noticed yet, but that thyme is cumin.
 
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Yes, bide thy thyme, while listening to “The Seasonings”, S. 1/2 tsp, by P. D. Q. Bach:

 
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My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but we always called them grandma and grandpa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa!

(That may only work for UK folks)
 
jack action said:
It's ironic that the economy is collapsing because people buy only what they need. :confused:
Ibix said:
I was bored ...
When they get bored and eat and have consumed everything, while at home, they'll order from home and that ought to bring back the economy straight! ... :oldbiggrin:
 
Ibix said:
I was bored, so I swapped all the contents of the herbs and spices. My wife hasn't noticed yet, but that thyme is cumin.
Be careful she won't board you for that, e.g. towards Eire.
 
Ibix said:
I was bored, so I swapped all the contents of the herbs and spices. My wife hasn't noticed yet, but that thyme is cumin.

Swapping the spices? Quite a caper!
 
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Ibix said:
My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but we always called them grandma and grandpa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa!

(That may only work for UK folks)
I tried to tell this joke but everyone threw themselves at the floor during the pa-pa-pa...
 
Vanadium 50 said:
Swapping the spices? Quite a caper!
A caper with foresight -or not - he has to eat what she cooks.