Collection of Lame Jokes

[FtlIsAwesome]

PETA
People Eatin' Tasty Animals

 

[cobalt124]

Lame self help books:

How to Cope with Insomnia - by Eliza Wake

Suffering and Overcoming Obesity - by N. E. More

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I used to drive a Heisenberg, but whenever I looked at the speedometer I got lost.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Mom: Eat your vegetables.

Me: Cheese is a vegetable.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

What do you call a car that sneezes?


A snotrod.

 

[HeLiXe]

What do you call a car that sneezes?


A snotrod.

*snorts*

 

[HeLiXe]

PETA
People Eatin' Tasty Animals

OMGGGGGGGGGGGG

 

[Lancelot59]

PETA
People Eatin' Tasty Animals

HA! Nice one

What do you call a car that sneezes?A snotrod.

*snorts*

Hmm...this gives me an idea.

What do you call a car that runs on lightning?
A lightning-rod.

What do you call a car that got stretched out?
A long-rod.

What do you call a car that took viagra?

A hard-rod...

 

[nismaratwork]

...And what do you call a car during atmospheric reentry? Hot-Rod.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Use your best Edward G. Robinson impression when you tell this one, assuming you tell lame jokes.
See this rod? Yeah. It means curtains for you. Yeah. It's a curtain rod.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

...And what do you call a car during atmospheric reentry? Hot-Rod.

I want one of those. Vroom-vroom!

See this rod? Yeah. It means curtains for you. Yeah. It's a curtain rod.

ah!
:D

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Al-Gebra: The latest in terror?


Latest news: Al-Gebra has an uncountable number of radicals.

 

[DaveC426913]

Al-Gebra: The latest in terror?


Latest news: Al-Gebra has an uncountable number of radicals.

That's kind of clever.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I can't take credit for it, its somewhere in PF chat.


It sounds like a signature.

 

[DaveC426913]

I can't take credit for it, its somewhere in PF chat.

It was just posted here:

https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=482846

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Yep, but it doesn't include the second line, which is also from chat.

 

[nismaratwork]

What did the otter say to the duck?


Nothing you dope, it's an otter and a duck.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

We need hippos to camp with us.

Otherwise we'll start losing our memory.

 

[nismaratwork]

We need hippos to camp with us.

Otherwise we'll start losing our memory.

Ugggghhhhhh... You win the thread.

 

[DaveC426913]

nis: this is a G-rated board.

I've asked for your post to be cleaned up.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

A guy was driving on the interstate and got into a wreck.

He wasn't in a good situation.

His body was arranged in all the wrong ways, his feet were where his nose was supposed to be and his ears were where his arms were supposed to be...

The medics came, and the guy was mad. As they got him out he started swearing at them.

A passerby came up and said, "Well now, don't get all bent out of shape!"

 

[nismaratwork]

nis: this is a G-rated board.

I've asked for your post to be cleaned up.

I apologize, I didn't realize that it was so... racey. I had assumed that to get that end of the joke, you'd require knowledge of the "issues" to begin with... you know, like the obscene frames in Disney movies.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

PF



Powerfully Factual

Potentially Fatal

Parrot Freedom

Place of Friends

[All] Purpose Flour

Prefered [Reference] Frame

Petroleum Flame

 

[Lancelot59]

PF



Powerfully Factual

Potentially Fatal

Parrot Freedom

Place of Friends

[All] Purpose Flour

Prefered [Reference] Frame

Petroleum Flame

Perfect Fart
Prolific Flatulance!
Possibly Funny?

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Do you people use spelchequers? Eye dew.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Possibly Funny?

Problematically Funny
Potentially Funny
Painfully Funny
Powerfully Funny
Pressured to be Funny


I think I'm repeating myself here...

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Power Flower!
Poker Face





Pilot: Hey, we're out of gas. You said we had gas!
Captain: And I did. But I'm feeling much better now.
Pilot: I meant rocket fuel!





Guy 1: [holding up check] Look at all those zero's!
Guy 2: We're rich!
Guy 1: It's in the millions!
Guy 2: Tens of millions!
Guy 1: We're super uber rich!
[the check says $00,000,000]

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Exercise? Yeah, I do that.

I do one push-up a day.
I get up in the morning that's one half.
I lay down at night that's the other half.

 

[nismaratwork]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Nismar
Oh.
Can I come in?
Yeah, one sec, I just have to undo the latch.
Hey buddy!
Hey man!

 

[cobalt124]

My wifes gone to the Carribean.
Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

A construction zombie?

" Crrrraaaaannnneeeeessss "

 

[nismaratwork]

My wifes gone to the Carribean.
Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord.

Ooooohhh... STINKER.

@Fit: Heh.


"A cat for a hat, a hat for a cat, but nothing for nothing."

Who the hell is trading cats for hats, and visa versa? I think forced rhymes are a bad joke, but I do love that saying...

edit:

An Architect Zombie:

Frrrraaaaammmmmeeeesssss

IRS Zombie:

Capital GGGAAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSS

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I think forced rhymes are a bad joke

Good types of jokes,
Bad types of jokes,
They all belong in lame jokes.

An Architect Zombie:

Frrrraaaaammmmmeeeesssss

IRS Zombie:

Capital GGGAAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSS

Basically, we've been recycling the same ones:

A physicist zombie studying Relativity?

"Frrrraaaaammmeesssss"

A photographist zombie?

" Frrrraaaaaaammmmmeeeesssssss "

The above is the 1000th post.

Zombie Origami artist?

"Crrrrraaaaannnneeesss"

Or a constuction zombie.

A capitalist zombie?

" Gaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnnnnnnsssss "

This one is my favorite.

 

[nismaratwork]

Heh... yeah the subconscious "inspirations" do tend to be plagueristic... ah well.

Hamlet Zombie: Daaaaaaannnnnneeeeessss

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Ok, I've been wondering about this for weeks.
Unfortunately, posting it will result in my death.
What would happen if someone called you Miss Mara T. Work?
*runrunrunrunruns*

 

[nismaratwork]

Ok, I've been wondering about this for weeks.
Unfortunately, posting it will result in my death.
What would happen if someone called you Miss Mara T. Work?
*runrunrunrunruns*

I'd be so confused, and probably mention a female bodybuilder (former) I know named Mara. Beyond that, I'd be... at a loss.

 

[HeLiXe]

An Architect Zombie:

Frrrraaaaammmmmeeeesssss

it never gets old lol

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

A superstar zombie?

" Faaaaaammmmmeeeee "

An ID checker zombie?

" Naaaaammmmmmeeee "

 

[HeLiXe]

An ID checker zombie?

" Naaaaammmmmmeeee "

OMG now i know how Devil'savocado felt about the food thread lol

 

[nismaratwork]

OMG now i know how Devil'savocado felt about the food thread lol

Hmmm... take some DA, place in blender, add freshly squeezed lime juice, cilantro, zest of lemon and lime, a bit of honey, and a pound of prussic acid. That's right about where I am with cooking that brand of Avocado... that, or fried.

Of course, that would require him showing his face here again, which may qualify as a lame joke in and of itself.


Zombie Carny Barker:

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmeeessss!"

Zombie Pimp:

"Where's my money ho?!"


...
...
...
Hey, this is LAME jokes.

 

[HeLiXe]

Hmmm... take some DA, place in blender, add freshly squeezed lime juice, cilantro, zest of lemon and lime, a bit of honey, and a pound of prussic acid. That's right about where I am with cooking that brand of Avocado... that, or fried.

Hooooly @#%^ LOLOLOLOL

 

[nismaratwork]

Hooooly @#%^ LOLOLOLOL

You don't like guacamole a la citrus/cyanide?! The trick is to use a variety of corn chips...

 

[DaveC426913]

Use camphor in a sentence.

We went to camphor a week.

 

[cobalt124]

Use camphor in a sentence.

We went to camphor a week.

Use judicious in a sentence.

Now hands that judicious feel as soft as your face, with mild green Fairy Liquid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mMmQsHgpjw&feature=related

 

[DaveC426913]

Use judicious in a sentence.

Now hands that judicious feel as soft as your face, with mild green Fairy Liquid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mMmQsHgpjw&feature=related

I was about to complain that I had no idea what you're talking about. Even the video didn't help - until the last ten seconds.

 

[HeLiXe]

You don't like guacamole a la citrus/cyanide?! The trick is to use a variety of corn chips...

lolol poor DA

 

[nismaratwork]

lolol poor DA

He'll live, but shame and publicly embarrassing yourself can take some time to cope with.

Camphor the burgers, stay for the pie.

 

[HeLiXe]

is that why he left? He better get over it and come back embarrassing myself is so much a part of my life I've lost my sense of shame...and some think that is a bad thing

 

[HeLiXe]

Use judicious in a sentence.

Now hands that judicious feel as soft as your face, with mild green Fairy Liquid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mMmQsHgpjw&feature=related

 

[nismaratwork]

is that why he left? He better get over it and come back embarrassing myself is so much a part of my life I've lost my sense of shame...and some think that is a bad thing

Agreed, it's just a learning experience! You just have to be camphortable with yourself, and understand that mistaks and assumptions can bite you. Still, through judicous application of shame (and camphor) the lesson is learned, and we hope not repeated.


Camphor.

... mothballs.

Do moths have balls?