Collection of Lame Jokes

[nismaratwork]

reaps the wonders of grain, **** Mountain Dew all hail Dr P

I have no idea what that's in reference too... but I agree with the statement.

@Flex: Hey man, you started this thing... it was this or something Mel Brooks.

edit: Cookie Monster... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C4-TsaNENo&feature=related

 

[FlexGunship]

I have no idea what that's in reference too... but I agree with the statement.

@Flex: Hey man, you started this thing... it was this or something Mel Brooks.

edit: Cookie Monster... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C4-TsaNENo&feature=related

(Remember those kids that stole that urn...?)

 

[HeLiXe]

Good, I was afraid I did something wrong... like this guy...

[URL]http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/510511/gatoradehockey_medium.gif

[/URL]

 

[mugaliens]

Uh oh...

I love that movie. I think it's the hapless aspect.

 

[nismaratwork]

I love that movie. I think it's the hapless aspect.

You just know he has a nickname now, it's humiliating, and he can never live it down. "Hey there Spills! We put your power drink in this... little sippy-cup!..." and more.



edit: AND... I just realized that you meant Ghostbusters a la Slimer-encounter... not the hockey player. *facepalm*.

Yes. I agree with you, but at the risk of place my entire leg in my mouth, I will stop now.

P.S. Ghostbusters 2: Evil pink goo? REALLY?
P. P. S. Ghostbusters video game (recent one): Really, shockingly good for fans.

 

[mugaliens]

You just know he has a nickname now, it's humiliating, and he can never live it down. "Hey there Spills! We put your power drink in this... little sippy-cup!..." and more.



edit: AND... I just realized that you meant Ghostbusters a la Slimer-encounter... not the hockey player. *facepalm*.

Yes. I agree with you, but at the risk of place my entire leg in my mouth, I will stop now.

P.S. Ghostbusters 2: Evil pink goo? REALLY?
P. P. S. Ghostbusters video game (recent one): Really, shockingly good for fans.

I get you, but you can stop now. The original movie will suffice for mirth.

 

[nismaratwork]

I get you, but you can stop now. The original movie will suffice for mirth.

Well, now that Dan Akroyd thinks he IS a ghostbuster... yeah, if it's not then that would just be tragic.

 

[DaveC426913]

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

 

[nismaratwork]

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

...at which point the bartender asks, "Is Cherenkov radiation or are you just glad to see me?"

Hey, it's called LAME jokes... you tell GOOD jokes... get to laming them up!

 

[dkotschessaa]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

 

[EnumaElish]

A geneticist to another geneticist: "let me clone you?" "No, thanks." First one: "very well, make yourself at home."

 

[FlexGunship]

Poland opens it's first airline and hires to Polish pilots to go on the first test flight. They take off from the new airport in a new airplane and start flying around. They practice maneuvers, and following a flight plan, and test the mechanics of the plane.

They make some important notes and the co-pilot says: "It's about time for us to land." The pilot agrees and they radio in for their approach.

The pilot looks down and says: "Uh, are you sure this is our runway?" The co-pilot responds: "Yup, that's it. Sure looks like it's going to be a rough landing, huh?"

The pilot responds: "Yeah, but it's okay, we can do it. We're expert pilots!"

So they carefully bring the plane in low, they throttle back as far as possible and the huge airplane is just gliding in the wind. As soon as rubber hits tarmac the slam the brakes, through the engines in full reverse, open every flap and grind to a screeching halt with the front wheel of the plane just hanging off the edge of the runway.

The pilot says: "Geeze, that was a really really short runway!"

The co-pilot says: "Yeah... but look how f*cking wide it is!"

 

[BobG]

"A priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walk into a bar..."
This isn't a real joke, but an intro told by a character from the comic, Bloom County. It is never revealed what the joke is, but it's implied that it's hilarious. I use that intro all the time now, and just wait while I ruin someone's day, the rest of which they'll spend trying to figure the rest out.

That joke is hilarious. It's the best Bible joke of all time. I just wish I remembered how it went. I remember it had something to do with making garments in the book of Exodus.

 

[Borek]

Lame joke: seems to me like someone wants to get banned.

 

[BobG]

Good, I was afraid I did something wrong... like this guy...

[URL]http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/510511/gatoradehockey_medium.gif

[/URL]

This reminds me of when Bernie Kosar and Marty Schottenheimer were with the Browns and Don Strock was the back-up quarterback. Kosar got injured and Strock had to come in and try to rally the Browns past the Dolphins in the last few minutes of game. At the two minute warning, Schottenheimer is explaining the plan for the last few plays and Strock is listening intently as he takes a drink of water from a paper cup... except he forgot to push his helmut up and his face mask was in the way. Schottenheimer just kind of stops talking as he stares at Strock who tries to nonchalantly ignore that he's just dumped his drink down the front of his jersey.

Needless to say, first play after the two minute warning, Strock is in the shotgun formation and drops the snap. But then he picks it up and tosses a touchdown pass to send the Browns into the lead. I was practically dying from laughing.

(Of course, unfortunately for the Browns, the Dolphins had Dan Marino and almost an entire two minutes left for a winning drive - the result was almost a foregone conclusion.)

 

[EnumaElish]

Lame joke: seems to me like someone wants to get banned.

if you're not referring to the bible, then it must be the Polish pilots :)

 

[edward]

Lame joke: seems to me like someone wants to get banned.

I agree. We are above that type of garbage here.

 

[nismaratwork]

That joke is hilarious. It's the best Bible joke of all time. I just wish I remembered how it went. I remember it had something to do with making garments in the book of Exodus.

Oh man, if you even make up a decent joke to go along with that, you'll have fulfilled a dream of mine for nearly 3 decades. In return for the joke, I will give you a butterfly that can grant you anyone wish of your heart, but use it wisely...

Or, I'll laugh, but really, that joke NEEDS to be made!

Borek: I can't tell if you're kidding, although I suspect this is dry humor directed at FlexGunship?

 

[nismaratwork]

I agree. We are above that type of garbage here.

You live on a reclaimed landfill?!

edit: now THAT is a lame joke people.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Lame joke: seems to me like someone wants to get banned.

Without safe landing??

 

[dkotschessaa]

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

Interesting side note. My nephew (13 years old, very bright) was home sick from school today. He actually doesn't like being home from school. I texted him this joke and told him his homework today was to explain it. So I got him googling and such and eventually he figured it out. Made for an interesting exchange of messages and he did learn something. :)

 

[jtbell]

Boss: How did you happen to lose that guy you were tailing?

Detective: Well, we were in that neighborhood where all the airline offices are, and he just walked around a corner and disappeared into Finnair.

 

[FlexGunship]

Boss: How did you happen to lose that guy you were tailing?

Detective: Well, we were in that neighborhood where all the airline offices are, and he just walked around a corner and disappeared into Finnair.

 

[nismaratwork]

No... more... puns... *death rattle*

 

[FlexGunship]

No... more... puns... *death rattle*

 

[nismaratwork]

Hmmmm... I think I might try that sometime.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I went to my favorite watering hole and ordered a shot and a beer. The bartender Jake says to me "Jimmy, you've put on a lot of weight, you don't look good at all." "I know" say I, "I would do anything to look better, but I can't diet, in fact, I eat more and more these days. You would too if you had my worries." Jake is a kindly bartender who will pretend to be interested in anyone's problems if it will help to sell alcohol. "What worries you?". I explained that my daughter wants to marry a Catholic boy. "I'm sorry to hear it" says Jake, "It's tough for a Jewish father, but you aren't very religious, do you really care that much?" "No", I reply, "the problem is the constant bickering. My daughter insists on having a Jewish ceremony and the boy wants a Catholic one. Where am I going to find anyone who can do both?". Says Jake "Cheer up, I'm sure there's some solution to your problem." "Don't make me laugh Jake, because that would be the funniest thing in the world." Just then a priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walked into the bar.

 

[FlexGunship]

I went to my favorite watering hole and ordered a shot and a beer. The bartender Jake says to me "Jimmy, you've put on a lot of weight, you don't look good at all." "I know" say I, "I would do anything to look better, but I can't diet, in fact, I eat more and more these days. You would too if you had my worries." Jake is a kindly bartender who will pretend to be interested in anyone's problems if it will help to sell alcohol. "What worries you?". I explained that my daughter wants to marry a Catholic boy. "I'm sorry to hear it" says Jake, "It's tough for a Jewish father, but you aren't very religious, do you really care that much?" "No", I reply, "the problem is the constant bickering. My daughter insists on having a Jewish ceremony and the boy wants a Catholic one. Where am I going to find anyone who can do both?". Says Jake "Cheer up, I'm sure there's some solution to your problem." "Don't make me laugh Jake, because that would be the funniest thing in the world." Just then a priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walked into the bar.

Niiiiice...

Guy walks into the bar, and says: "Bartender, get me 7 shots of Glenlivet." The bartender starts to pour the shots, and the guy starts drinking them almost as fast as he can pour!

The bartender is pouring the fourth shot when he says: "Geeze, buddy, you sure are drinking quickly." And the guy says: "You would too, if you had what I had!"

The bartender is intrigued, and pours the last shot just as the guy finishes it. Bartender says: "Well, what have you got?"

Guy says: "Uh, like, three bucks."

 

[BobG]

I went to my favorite watering hole and ordered a shot and a beer. The bartender Jake says to me "Jimmy, you've put on a lot of weight, you don't look good at all." "I know" say I, "I would do anything to look better, but I can't diet, in fact, I eat more and more these days. You would too if you had my worries." Jake is a kindly bartender who will pretend to be interested in anyone's problems if it will help to sell alcohol. "What worries you?". I explained that my daughter wants to marry a Catholic boy. "I'm sorry to hear it" says Jake, "It's tough for a Jewish father, but you aren't very religious, do you really care that much?" "No", I reply, "the problem is the constant bickering. My daughter insists on having a Jewish ceremony and the boy wants a Catholic one. Where am I going to find anyone who can do both?". Says Jake "Cheer up, I'm sure there's some solution to your problem." "Don't make me laugh Jake, because that would be the funniest thing in the world." Just then a priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walked into the bar.

You're a god! A minor god, maybe, but you're still a god!

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

A minor god

What do I have to DO!