Collection of Lame Jokes

  • Thread starter Thread starter quddusaliquddus
  • Start date Start date
  • Tags Tags
    Jokes
AI Thread Summary
The discussion revolves around sharing and enjoying "lame" jokes, with participants contributing various puns and one-liners. Jokes include classic setups like "A duck walks into a pharmacy..." and "Why did the chicken cross the road?" along with playful wordplay, such as "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick." The humor is characterized by its groan-inducing quality, with many jokes eliciting laughter despite their simplicity. Participants also engage in light banter about the nature of humor, with some jokes being deemed too funny to qualify as "lame." The thread highlights a shared enjoyment of corny humor and the camaraderie that comes from exchanging jokes, creating a lighthearted atmosphere.
  • #1,251
I can't believe this joke isn't in the thread already...

A dairy cooperative contacted the local university's extension service asking for help on improving their milk production. The extension agent said, "Well, all our dairy experts are on vacation right now, but we can send you a theoretical physicist."

The cooperative decided that was better than nothing. So the physicist visited the cooperative and some of the members' farms and took notes, and then went off to consider the problem. In due course he arranged with the cooperative for a meeting to present his findings.

"To start off, we'll make some simplifying assumptions. First, let's assume a spherical cow of uniform density..."

ddb%2020060414%20020-025.jpg


http://dd-b.net/cgi-bin/picpage.pl/photography/gallery/Mike-Ford?pic=ddb 20060414 020-025;IPTC=yes
 
Last edited:
Physics news on Phys.org
  • #1,252
Code:
   Physics Course List

* Do you scoff at artists who put the colors in the wrong order when
  painting a rainbow?
* Do you try to correct people who refer to the clouds above a
  boiling pot as steam instead of water vapor?
* Have you ever wanted to know why it is that 'hot air rises' and
  'cold air sinks', but the higher you go the colder the air gets?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you are a
budding physicist (and you thought that only botanists were budding!).
We strongly recommend that you drop whatever else you are doing
(DROP/ADD forms are available at the Registrar's Office) and enroll as
a physics major. If you need any further convincing, just have a look
at all the wonderful courses we offer.

PHYS 100 Introduction to Physics
       A required course for students in all subject areas which
       require the ability to think (e.g. engineering, physics, math
       ...)
       Topics Include: energy, momentum, heat, electricity, magnetism,
       optics, gravity
       Prerequisites: Grade 12 Math and Physics

PHYS 110 Non-Calculus Physics
       The ideal course for students in non-scientific areas of
       science (biology, geology, psychology and other such stuff). If
       the only reason you would ever be dragged into a physics class
       is that your degree requirements call for it - this is the
       course for you.
       Topics Include: user-friendly, watered-down versions of all the
       good stuff covered in PHYS 100
       Prerequisites: Grade 3 Math, ability to distinguish between
       moving and parked cars

PHYS 123 Physics for Artsies
       This is admittedly a blatent attempt to increase enrollment in
       physics and simultaneously offer paid early retirement to some
       of our department members. But hey, what about 'Rocks for
       Jocks', or 'Computers for Clutzes'? Why are we expected to be
       the one department in the University that only offers quality
       courses? So if you need a science credit, and want to do as
       little work as possible to get it - remember 1-2-3. (Those who
       have already taken MATH 3.14159 Numbers, Fingers, and Stuff
       will have an advantage in remembering this.)
       Topics Include: which way is up? why tie your shoelaces? the
       difference between steam and ice (time and class intelligence
       permitting)
       Prerequisites: pulse rate greater than 10 beats per minute

PHYS 150 Introduction to Astronomy
       The ideal course for those who wish to study physics without
       having to actually study physics. This is traditionally the
       course of choice for those who think a physics minor would look
       good on their c.v., but who have no interest or ability in the
       subject.
       Topics Include: which end of the telescope is for looking in?
       Prerequisites: A pledge never to ask the professor his 'sign'

PHYS 200 Modern Physics
       Learn about all the theories and critical experiments of the
       last century, without being burdened with the mathematics that
       would permit you to do something with this knowledge.
       Topics Include: the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (perhaps)
       Prerequisites: readiness to accept that everything we taught
       you in PHYS 100 is only a classical approximation

PHYS 201 E&M #1
       We couldn't teach you Electromagnetism properly in PHYS 100
       because you had not yet taken any vector calculus. Even though
       you still have not taken any class in vector calculus, we
       consider that anybody who has opted to major in physics should
       be able to absorb the entire content of MATH 201 in the first
       week of the term.
       Topics Include: Maxwell's equations
       Prerequisites: PHYS 205, MATH 100

PHYS 205 Optics
       Using your knowledge of electromagnetic fields (which you will
       acquire next term in PHYS 201) we introduce the subject of
       light - what is it and how does it behave?
       Topics Include: did you know that nearsighted people have eyes
       that are too strong, not too weak?
       Prerequisites: PHYS 201

PHYS 207 Mechanics
       No, this is not a course in car maintainance!
       Topics Include: trajectories, oscillations, Hilbert space
       Prerequisites: PHYS 100

PHYS 300 S&M (Sadistical Mechanics)
       Have you ever wondered what the laws of statistics and quantum
       mechanics say would happen if you were to put
       1,000,000,000,000,000 gas molecules into a container? Take this
       class and find out!
       Topics Include: the Grand Ole Canonical Partition Function
       Prerequisites: PHYS 100, MATH 523

PHYS 312 QM (Quantum Mechanics)
       This is what we wanted to teach you in PHYS 200, but weren't
       able to because you had only had five calculus courses so far.
       Topics Include: is your cat really alive?
       Prerequisites: PHYS 200

PHYS 400 E&M #2
       Having weeded out all but the most highly intelligent students
       with PHYS 201, we are now able to get into the real meat of the
       subject of Electromagnetic waves and fields.
       Topics Include: optics, relativity, gauge transforms
       Prerequisites: PHYS 201, every math course you can get

PHYS 456 Advanced Physics for Artsies
       We are presently the only Physics Department in the world to
       offer an advanced physics course especially geared for
       humanities students. Our consistent offering of this course is
       evidence of our belief that Physics is indeed a subject for
       everyone. In fact, Dr. M.C. Skewaired (who has been teaching
       this class for the last 14 years) has often said in defense of
       the funding for the course 'if I ever get any students, they
       will love this class'.
       Topics Include: which way is down?
       Prerequisites: PHYS 123
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/2_6.html
 
  • #1,253
FtlIsAwesome said:
I was fired from my job at Tropicana because I couldn't concentrate.

:smile::smile::smile:
 
  • #1,254
Lancelot59 said:
Who hasn't?

Whew! Thanks for making me feel normal once again.
 
  • #1,255
There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 
  • #1,256
jtbell said:
I can't believe this joke isn't in the thread already...

A dairy cooperative contacted the local university's extension service asking for help on improving their milk production. The extension agent said, "Well, all our dairy experts are on vacation right now, but we can send you a theoretical physicist."

The cooperative decided that was better than nothing. So the physicist visited the cooperative and some of the members' farms and took notes, and then went off to consider the problem. In due course he arranged with the cooperative for a meeting to present his findings.

"To start off, we'll make some simplifying assumptions. First, let's assume a spherical cow of uniform density..."

ddb%2020060414%20020-025.jpg


http://dd-b.net/cgi-bin/picpage.pl/photography/gallery/Mike-Ford?pic=ddb 20060414 020-025;IPTC=yes

That joke also would've worked for a mathematician. Unless they actually wrote a density function for the cow...

HeLiXe said:
Whew! Thanks for making me feel normal once again.
You're welcome.
 
  • #1,257
jtbell said:
...

Wait, to me that sounds suspiciously like you're implying that cows aren't perfectly spherical, aren't uniformly dense, and aren't in a vacuum...something is up here, I can tell it.
 
  • #1,258
Lancelot59 said:
That joke also would've worked for a mathematician.

Nope. The mathematician didn't know what a cow was, but he did know about fields.

We think the cow is somewhere in a field with an uncountably infinite number of dimensions right now, but the mathematician is still figuring out how to use the axiom of choice to find it again.
 
  • #1,259
AlephZero said:
Nope. The mathematician didn't know what a cow was, but he did know about fields.

We think the cow is somewhere in a field with an uncountably infinite number of dimensions right now, but the mathematician is still figuring out how to use the axiom of choice to find it again.

Just look for the cow pi. :rolleyes:
 
  • #1,260
jhae2.718 said:
Wait, to me that sounds suspiciously like you're implying that cows aren't perfectly spherical, aren't uniformly dense, and aren't in a vacuum...something is up here, I can tell it.
lol:P
 
  • #1,261
AlephZero said:
Nope. The mathematician didn't know what a cow was, but he did know about fields.

We think the cow is somewhere in a field with an uncountably infinite number of dimensions right now, but the mathematician is still figuring out how to use the axiom of choice to find it again.

:smile:
 
  • #1,262
My physics teacher was just saying "we love the chain rule". First I thought of "we love Katamari", then I remembered Full Metal Jacket.

This is my chain rule. There are many like it but this one is mine.
 
  • #1,263
So, who exactly goes to grad school anyways? I mean, I never had any trouble doing things like \nabla\!\mathbf{f}, and yet people go to a special school just to learn one operation??
 
  • #1,264
You got it wrong, grad school means they spend their time grading exams. Ask any grad student if you doubt.
 
  • #1,265
Borek said:
You got it wrong, grad school means they spend their time grading exams.

:smile: That's what I heard :p
 
  • #1,266
Borg said:
Just look for the cow pi. :rolleyes:

Or, find out if the standard lion-finding methods also work on cows.

(Google "math joke lion sahara" if you don't know what I'm talking about).
 
  • #1,267
AlephZero said:
(Google "math joke lion sahara" if you don't know what I'm talking about).
Well, this thread comes up so it goes into an infinite loop. :-p
 
  • #1,268
How to artificially create a black hole.

1. Dig a pit into the ground.
2. Step away.
3. Is it black?
4. You have successfully made a black hole!
 
  • #1,269
Borek said:
You got it wrong, grad school means they spend their time grading exams.

That's seems fair enough. The gradding procedure is finding which students have potentials.

[PUN]Insert something about circulation here[/PUN]
 
  • #1,270
Living with a woman is like living in a null space.
All my money gets mapped to zero.
 
  • #1,271
Lancelot59 said:
Living with a woman is like living in a null space.
All my money gets mapped to zero.

What a coincidence...the same destination as her sanity :p
 
  • #1,272
HeLiXe said:
What a coincidence...the same destination as her sanity :p

I think that goes both ways. :rolleyes:
 
  • #1,273
Hydrogen and oxygen are out having drinks and gold walks in. They say "eh you, get out of the bar"
 
  • #1,274
Amazon said:
Hydrogen and oxygen are out having drinks and gold walks in. They say "eh you, get out of the bar"

HA! I get it. I've heard a few good jokes that use a similar trick but I can't remember them at the moment.
 
  • #1,275
"It's a plane figure," Tom said flatly.
"99 is almost 100," said Tom roughly.
"1,3,5,7," Tom said oddly.
"Space is an infinite set of points," Tom said distantly.
"They are mirror images," reflected Tom.
"Consider a linear 2-dimensional universe", Tom's teacher said plainly.
"Not I", Tom replied unimaginatively.
"Why not?", she asked initially.
"We haven't discussed the addition problems", Tom said nonplused.
"I don't know what (b^2 - 4ac) equals and I don't care!" said Tom indiscriminately...
 
  • #1,276
micromass said:
"It's a plane figure," Tom said flatly.
"99 is almost 100," said Tom roughly.
"1,3,5,7," Tom said oddly.
"Space is an infinite set of points," Tom said distantly.
"They are mirror images," reflected Tom.
"Consider a linear 2-dimensional universe", Tom's teacher said plainly.
"Not I", Tom replied unimaginatively.
"Why not?", she asked initially.
"We haven't discussed the addition problems", Tom said nonplused.
"I don't know what (b^2 - 4ac) equals and I don't care!" said Tom indiscriminately...

:smile: This is good stuff! I should send it to my English professor :D
 
  • #1,277
Astronaut: I've been to Venus and back!
Skeptic: What are you trying to pull?
Astronaut: Some gees.
 
  • #1,278
lolololll
 
  • #1,279
Pick-up lines

What’s your sine? Well it must be pi/2 because you’re the 1 ;)

You must be Windows 95 because you got me so unstable
 
Last edited by a moderator:
  • #1,280
Amazon said:
Pick-up lines

What’s your sine? Well it must be pi/2 because you’re the 1 ;)

You must be Windows 95 because you got me so unstable

HA! I'm tempted to try them.
 
  • #1,281
Lancelot59 said:
HA! I'm tempted to try them.

You must be extremely charismatic, that you can do the pickup equivalent of lighting a cigar with a 100 dollar bill... :biggrin:
 
  • #1,282
DaveC426913 said:
You must be extremely charismatic, that you can do the pickup equivalent of lighting a cigar with a 100 dollar bill... :biggrin:

I wish I was that rich.
 
  • #1,283
A scientist and his friend walk into a bar. The scientist says, "I'll have a cup of H2O." His friend said, "I'll have a cup of H2O, too." Then he died.

Duct tape is like the force. They both have a dark side and a light and come in handy when you're kidnapping a princess
 
  • #1,284
This joke intentionally left blank.
 
  • #1,285
lololol good one lol
 
  • #1,286
FtlIsAwesome said:
This joke intentionally left blank.

For the course evaluation for the chemistry lab I have, I wrote "This field intentionally left blank." in the additional comments box... :biggrin:
 
  • #1,287
Amazon said:
A scientist and his friend walk into a bar. The scientist says, "I'll have a cup of H2O." His friend said, "I'll have a cup of H2O, too." Then he died.
That's good.

I memorized this one from my childhood:

There once was a lad who drank some water
Poor lad, he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4


But yours is way better.
 
  • #1,288
[PLAIN]http://cdn.imgfave.com/image_cache/1301971571557888.jpeg[/CENTER]​
 
Last edited by a moderator:
  • #1,289
A neutron walks into a bar...

and orders a drink. "How much?" he asks,
the bartender says “For you, no charge."



Two atoms walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says, "I believe I lost an electron". The other atom says, "are you sure?" to which the first atom replies. "im positive".



A photon bumps into a electron, and the electron asks "where are you going why the rush?" The photon replies "I have mass." The electron says "I didnt know photons had mass." The photon replies "I'm catholic."
 
  • #1,291


A virus walks into a bar. The bartender sneers "We don't serve your kind here!" So the virus replaces the bartender and says "now we do."

Credit: Brian Malow

(don't yell at me because it's a biology joke)
 
  • #1,292


Jack21222 said:
(don't yell at me because it's a biology joke)

It's a BIOLOGY joke! What are you thinking?! We have standards here! :biggrin:
 
  • #1,293


micromass said:
You'll find thousands more in our lame jokes thread!

Into which this thread has now been assimilated. Resistance is futile.
 
  • #1,294


jtbell said:
I...Resistance is futile.

(If < 1 Ω)
 
  • #1,297
There's a big calculus party, and all the functions are invited. ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend e^x sulking in a corner.

ln(x): "What's wrong e^x?"
e^x: "I'm so lonely!"
ln(x): "Well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!"
...e^x looks up and cries, "It won't make a difference!"
 
  • #1,298


Jack21222 said:
(don't yell at me because it's a biology joke)
It could be a computer joke.
 
  • #1,299
Longest song in the world*: \aleph_0 bottles of beer on the wall

*Assuming that a bottle of beer is a discrete object and is an element of N
 
  • #1,300
Amazon said:
There's a big calculus party, and all the functions are invited. ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend e^x sulking in a corner.

ln(x): "What's wrong e^x?"
e^x: "I'm so lonely!"
ln(x): "Well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!"
...e^x looks up and cries, "It won't make a difference!"

:smile:
 

Similar threads

Replies
432
Views
31K
Replies
57
Views
8K
8
Replies
386
Views
37K
Replies
7
Views
3K
Replies
1
Views
3K
Replies
185
Views
10K
Replies
4K
Views
428K
Back
Top