Collection of Lame Jokes

[jbriggs444]

Yes, if they jam them into a jar.

If you slam the door into the jamb then it is ajar.

 

[WWGD]

Buying by phone after Covid:

...
Address? ...
Card Number? ...
Expiration Date? WHAT!?? Ah, for the card.

 

[Klystron]

From a tshirt: Can a peach can a peach?

Can of peas, canapes.

Paraphrase from Mario Puzo's "The Godfather".

 

[WWGD]

Can of peas, canapes.

Paraphrase from Mario Puzo's "The Godfather".

I really miss Miss Miss(issippi).

Always thought it would be a good idea to collect all these into acshort, bizarre play.

 

[Klystron]

Heard of the thefts in New England at the famous This Crooked House Restaurant?

Non-pareil capers non-parrallel capers at the unparalleled Cape.

 

[WWGD]

Heard of the thefts in New England at the famous This Crooked House Restaurant?

Non-pareil capers non-parrallel capers at the unparalleled Cape.

View attachment 262587

I also like the triple-syllable ones: The banana narrative.

 

[Klystron]

I also like the triple-syllable ones: The banana narrative.

Do you mean the boycott of the Australian actor from not publishing marriage announcements from yellow fruit? (Deep breath...)

Ban Bana's banal bans on banana bans! Ban Bana's bans bans!

 

[WWGD]

Do you mean the boycott of the Australian actor from not publishing marriage announcements from yellow fruit? (Deep breath...)

Ban Bana's banal bans on banana bans! Ban Bana's bans bans!

Isn't there a recent song " Banana u nana" ..My heart is in Havana ...or something?

 

[DrGreg]

What do you call a man with four planks of wood on his head?

I don't know but Edward Woodward would.

 

[Keith_McClary]

"I hate to have to tell you this", said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, "but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna." "That's terrible!" Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. "I don't know if I could handle being in quarantine...and the cheese and bologna diet... What's with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I've never of such a diet before?!" "It's not exactly a diet", responded the Doctor matter of factly, "it's just the only food that will fit under the door!"

 

[WWGD]

What do you call a man with four planks of wood on his head?

I don't know but Edward Woodward would.

I'm an Edward Woodward Would-Working Workshop Worshipper*. So I wood/would know.

*This is what teenage girls refer to as Ewwwww!

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

 

[WWGD]

Trashing my self-image:
Website: Choose a Password
Me: MyPenis
Website: Password too short!

 

[jack action]

Spoiler: Animated GIF

source: https://gif15.videosgifs.com/2020/05/09/comiendo-a-escondida/​

 

[davenn]

Spoiler: Animated GIF

not there

 

[fresh_42]

Spoiler

 

[jack action]

not there

That's weird! I see it in Firefox (even in @davenn & @fresh_42 posts), but not in Chrome or Tor!

 

[fresh_42]

That's weird! I see it in Firefox (even in @davenn & @fresh_42 posts), but not in Chrome or Tor!

I copied it from your BB code to make it visible in an extra tab, and as dave complaint I posted what I still had in the buffer - using chrome.

 

[DrGreg]

That's weird! I see it in Firefox (even in @davenn & @fresh_42 posts), but not in Chrome or Tor!

Initially I couldn't see GIFs in any of the posts here, just a placeholder icon. I'm using Firefox.

Then I clicked on the link that has now been added, and I could view the GIF on its own website.

But then I came back here and could see the GIF in the posts here. I guess that's because the image is now cached on my machine.

 

[DrGreg]

Spoiler: Animated GIF

source: https://gif15.videosgifs.com/2020/05/09/comiendo-a-escondida/​

Does this prove that chocolate eclair neutralises coronavirus?

 

[Keith_McClary]

View attachment 262622

DILBERT

 

[davenn]

Me: Do you have any books about paranoia?
Librarian: They're right behind you.

 

[davenn]

"I've just built a model of Mount Everest."

"Is it to scale?"

"No, just to look at."

 

[fresh_42]

"You have a new car?"

"Yes."

"How about cargo space?"

"No. Car does not do that. Car go road."

 

[phinds]

Me: Do you have any books about paranoia?
Librarian: They're right behind you.

Here's a hard one to answer if the answer isn't yes.

Library patron to librarian: do you have any books on how to deal with murderously violent reactions to disappointment?

 

[Ibix]

Here's a hard one to answer if the answer isn't yes.

Library patron to librarian: do you have any books on how to deal with murderously violent reactions to disappointment?

I've borrowed that one myself...

 

[Lynch101]

Why does it always feel like girlfriends are just looking for a reason to start a fight. I was having an intimate moment with my girlfriend [not the punchline!] we were talking and being really open and honest with each other, when she asks me, "what's your favourite part of my body?"

Thinking there is no good answer to this question, I hesitated and tried to buy myself some time, when an answer popped into my head. I couldn't believe it, out of nowhere the answer just appeared to me. I knew I was going to get an extra-special reward for this and with a big smile on my face I said, "your mind".

Of course, she would have to be a bloody Caretesian Dualist!

 

[mfb]

"You have a new car?"

"Yes."

"How about cargo space?"

"No. Car does not do that. Car go road."

Elon Musk: Hold my beer.

 

[phinds]

Self Evaluation Test:

Q: describe yourself as best you can with a single word
A: bad at following directions.