Collection of Lame Jokes

[Mark44]

The check is for 0.002$. I don't get it.

The explanation is wrong. Randall Munroe had an extensive explanation about Verizon billing him $.002 one time.

 

[Borg]

Might as well post the rest of the story, the actual recording and the XKCD that it spawned.

https://verizonmath.blogspot.com/
https://imgs.xkcd.com/verizon_billing.mp3
https://xkcd.com/verizon/

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Oldman too]

I'm an engineer so when someone tells me "You're going to regret that in the morning" I sleep until the afternoon. I'm a problem solver.

What is the definition of an engineer? Answer: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

 

[phinds]

What is the definition of an engineer? Answer: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

No, that's a psychiatrist not an engineer.

 

[Oldman too]

No, that's a psychiatrist not an engineer

*Rummages around for Psychiatry jokes... only comes up with another Engineering joke* (I'm working on it)

A fire engineer, who could not speak Arabic, was finding it difficult to market his newly invented fire extinguisher in the Arabian continent. He consulted an expert who advised him to use photographic symbols. Now he proceeded with a three-stage demonstration photographs, namely (1) a car on fire, (2) a man fighting the fire with the device, then (3) a clean car. Meanwhile, the Arabs read from right to the left, so they avoided the device completely.

 

[DennisN]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jtbell]

This "fish" tale appeared in the local newspaper yesterday.

Two guys went fishing in a small boat in a pond. One guy used a small frog as bait, and hooked something big. When he reeled it in, they saw it was a large water snake, with the frog in its mouth.

They weren't crazy about snakes, so they got a bottle of Jack Daniels bourbon from the tackle box, and poured some of it into the snake's mouth. The snake let go of the frog and swam off.

A bit later they felt something thumping against the side of the boat. It was the snake again, with two frogs in its mouth.

 

[DennisN]

 

[pinball1970]

View attachment 300334

Did the ancient mammoth have to hop on just one huge hoof?

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jack action]

Just paid my taxes.

The roads should be fixed any day now.

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[Oldman too]

View attachment 300364

That really is clever.

 

[Oldman too]

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They wouldn't do it. It's a hardware problem.

 

[Hamiltonian]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jack action]

The car horn was invented to warn people in case of danger.

The proof of that is that everybody uses it when a couple gets married.

 

[jtbell]

Today I learned that Ireland is the richest country in the world...

because its capital has been doublin' every year for the last hundred years.

 

[phinds]

 

[Oldman too]

Today I learned that Ireland is the richest country in the world...

because its capital has been doublin' every year for the last hundred years.

Is this statement missing context?

 

[Ibix]

Is this statement missing context?

Dublin/doublin'

 

[WWGD]

Today I learned that Ireland is the richest country in the world...

because its capital has been doublin' every year for the last hundred years.

A joke from the days after the 2008 recession/depression. What's the capital of Iceland? Around $2.50.

 

[Oldman too]

Dublin/doublin'

I wasn't aware that there were two Dublin's, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dublin_(barony) / https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dublin I guess it did double. Can doublin'n Dublin be expressed mathematically? just wondering.

 

[Oldman too]

What's the capital of Iceland: Around $2.50.

At current rates, that gives you... about... 257.14 Icelandic Krona!

 

[WWGD]

At current rates, that gives you... about... 257.14 Icelandic Krona!

Seems like an additional few Kronos would be enough for a double shot Espresso.

 

[Oldman too]

Enough for a double shot Espresso.

Hey, I got this round. I'm celebrating my Bearth day.

 

[mfb]

The explanation is wrong.
The check was made out for $.002, which is the amount Randall Munroe was billed for. No amount of explanation on his part got through to the clueless Verizon employee he talked to.
$e^{i\pi} = -1$ is what is written, not $e^{2\pi}$. The explanation for the summation is correct.
The amount of the check is .002 - 1 + 1 = $0.002, or 2/10 of a cent.

Edit: Looks like several people beat me to the punch here.

No one was billed $.002, and Randall Munroe wasn't the Verizon customer.
George Vaccaro was billed $.002 per KB instead of 0.002 cents as advertised. Here is the original story

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[nuuskur]

 

[Oldman too]

 

[mfb]

If a diploid ("2") cell splits in half, it becomes a haploid ("1/2") cell.

2/2 = 1/2 in biology.

No wonder they struggle with these concepts.

 

[DennisN]

Gary Larson's "The Far Side" is a treasure trove of funny comics :

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[DennisN]

 

[artis]

Today I learned that Ireland is the richest country in the world...

because its capital has been doublin' every year for the last hundred years.

There are some in Belfast who might try to dispute this...

 

[Oldman too]

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar and he doesn’t.

 

[Oldman too]

I have many chemistry jokes, but I’m afraid they won’t get a good reaction...

 

[artis]

I have many chemistry jokes, but I’m afraid they won’t get a good reaction...

On the other hand jokes about nuclear fission only work if enough good ones are concentrated at one spot...

A good stand up comedian on average can reach "prompt comicality" 10-15 mins into his routine, then he "bombs"...

 

[DrGreg]

I have many chemistry jokes, but I’m afraid they won’t get a good reaction...

All the best chemistry puns about noble gases are gone.

 

[pinball1970]

 

[WWGD]