Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

"All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer."

-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925

In the early nineties there was a report in the newspaper that someone in the US shot his monitor out of frustration about the then frequently occurring bluescreen.

I wonder whether this had been mentioned in the manual.

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 264968

Nope. Fake news. Can you find the error?

 

[etotheipi]

In the early nineties there was a report in the newspaper that someone in the US shot his monitor out of frustration about the then frequently occurring bluescreen.

Did it fix it though?

Nope. Fake news. Can you find the error?

Man on the left looks way too nonchalant. 3 hours later he will be crying over the instruction manual trying to figure out where the 163rd screw for his Swedish Poäng chair is.

On another note, the numbers look a little off. Are those 5 chair legs?

 

[fresh_42]

Man on the left looks way too nonchalant. 3 hours later he will be crying over the instruction manual trying to figure out where the 163rd screw for his Swedish Poäng chair is.

On another note, the numbers look a little off. Are those 5 chair legs?

No. The error is the screwdriver. It had to be a hex key.

 

[etotheipi]

No. The error is the screwdriver. It had to be a hex key.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 264993

There's a couple near here who have mobility scooters bearing the signs "Beauty" and "Beast".

View attachment 264994

You used to be able to get adult and child sized shirts bearing the Crown "pint" and "half-pint" stamps. This one is better...

 

[Ibix]

You used to be able to get adult and child sized shirts bearing the Crown "pint" and "half-pint" stamps. This one is better...

Afterthought: Although the kid's presumably not a clone.

 

[Ibix]

Did it fix it though?

The variant on the shooting-the-computer story I heard was about someone bringing in an early iMac with a gunshot wound and wanting it fixed. It so happened that the hard drive was along the bottom of the case in that model, and it had escaped unscathed. So they simply swapped the hard drive into a new machine and sold the new machine, billing it as a repair...

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[strangerep]

[synonym rolls...]

Oh, b*gger! I really liked those as a child but I'd completely forgotten about them. Hmmm, where can I get some...

 

[jtbell]

Here's one from my father, a long time ago:

A first-grade teacher asked her pupils to draw a picture about a song they knew. One boy drew a person lying in bed with little animals crawling all over him. Puzzled, the teacher asked, "what song is that?"

The boy replied, "Mice on John."

The teacher was still puzzled, so the boy sang:

Diddle diddle dumpling, mice on John,
Went to bed with his trousers on;
One shoe off and one shoe on,
Diddle diddle dumpling, mice on John.

(Wikipedia)

 

[Ibix]

Oh, b*gger! I really liked those as a child but I'd completely forgotten about them.

Metaphorgotten about them, surely.

 

[Ibix]

Here's one from my father, a long time ago:

A first-grade teacher asked her pupils to draw a picture about a song they knew. One boy drew a person lying in bed with little animals crawling all over him. Puzzled, the teacher asked, "what song is that?"

The boy replied, "Mice on John."

The teacher was still puzzled, so the boy sang:

Diddle diddle dumpling, mice on John,
Went to bed with his trousers on;
One shoe off and one shoe on,
Diddle diddle dumpling, mice on John.

(Wikipedia)

Reminds me of the kid who thought Jesus had a funny looking teddy bear called Gladly, because of the hymn "Gladly, thy cross-eyed bear".

 

[etotheipi]

 

[Ibix]

I think they're just there for something to plant a cocktail umbrella into.

 

[DrGreg]

Diddle diddle dumpling, mice on John,
Went to bed with his trousers on;
One shoe off and one shoe on,
Diddle diddle dumpling, mice on John.

British comedian Peter Kay reveals Sister Sledge singing "Just let me staple the vicar". And lots more misheard lyrics.

 

[Ibix]

British comedian Peter Kay reveals Sister Sledge singing "Just let me staple the vicar". And lots more misheard lyrics.

According to TV Tropes the phenomenon is called Mondegreen, from a ballad where they killed the Earl O'Murray and Lady Mondegreen (or "...and laid him on the green", which are the actual words). Its https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Analysis/Mondegreen is interesting - although since it doesn't come close to PF standards of references, a pinch of salt is probably advisable.

 

[jack action]

British comedian Peter Kay reveals Sister Sledge singing "Just let me staple the vicar". And lots more misheard lyrics.

Decades ago, there was a french radio morning show in Montreal where they did a segment call "auditory hallucinations". People were sending popular english song where you could hear french sentences. Since then, I still can't hear anything else but "Nous faisons des oeufs" ("We are making eggs" in french) as the first sentence in The Unforgiven from Metallica.

​

 

[fresh_42]

New blood joins the earth versus nous faisons des oeufs? How do blood and faisons match?

 

[DrClaude]

New blood joins the earth versus nous faisons des oeufs? How do blood and faisons match?

It is "blood joins" that becomes "faisons." Personally, I think that the "bl" is too pronounced to be confused with a "f" sound, but I can understand the auditory hallucination.

I remember the show @jack action mentioned, but unfortunately don't remember many of the hallucinations. However, there are a couple in Message in a Bottle by The Police that I still can here to this day:

"More loneliness than any man could bear" becomes "Mon oncle Binette a une main coupée" (My uncle Binette has a hand cut off).

"Message in the bottle" becomes "Laisse le gin dans l'bateau" (Leave the gin in the boat).

 

[jack action]

New blood joins the earth versus nous faisons des oeufs? How do blood and faisons match?

It's 'blood joins' that sounds like 'faisons'. It's concentrated on the 's' sound of 'joins', which the singer pronounce very distinctly and which is a sound that doesn't really exist in french at the end of a word. The 'on' sounds at the end is silent (it's more like 'ood joins sounds like 'aizn).

You had to listen to the show. Once you are told «Listen, it sounds like this», you can't hear anything else afterwards. And when you don't clearly understand the original language, your brain corrects it to something you know.

 

[jack action]

It is "blood joins" that becomes "faisons." Personally, I think that the "bl" is too pronounced to be confused with a "f" sound, but I can understand the auditory hallucination.

I remember the show @jack action mentioned, but unfortunately don't remember many of the hallucinations. However, there are a couple in Message in a Bottle by The Police that I still can here to this day:

"More loneliness than any man could bear" becomes "Mon oncle Binette a une main coupée" (My uncle Binette has a hand cut off).

"Message in the bottle" becomes "Laisse le gin dans l'bateau" (Leave the gin in the boat).

This what I'm talking about!

I'm just reading this text like everyone else and cannot see the link between the french and english sentences, even when repeating the sentence out loud. But I just went on youtube to listen to the song and I can't hear anything else but the french sentences! For sure, I could never tell you that they are saying "More loneliness than any man could bear".

 

[jtbell]

Reminds me of the kid who thought Jesus had a funny looking teddy bear called Gladly, because of the hymn "Gladly, thy cross-eyed bear".

And then there’s the kid from New Jersey (or maybe it was Long Island) who didn’t want to take the train to Duh City because the Lord’s Prayer says “lead us not into Penn Station, but deliver us from evil.”

 

[etotheipi]

 

[WWGD]