- #781
nismaratwork
- 358
- 0
Jimmy Snyder said:
Needs trimming, but I like where you're going with this.
Collection of Lame Jokes
- Thread starter quddusaliquddus
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The discussion revolves around sharing and enjoying "lame" jokes, with participants contributing various puns and one-liners. Jokes include classic setups like "A duck walks into a pharmacy..." and "Why did the chicken cross the road?" along with playful wordplay, such as "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick." The humor is characterized by its groan-inducing quality, with many jokes eliciting laughter despite their simplicity. Participants also engage in light banter about the nature of humor, with some jokes being deemed too funny to qualify as "lame." The thread highlights a shared enjoyment of corny humor and the camaraderie that comes from exchanging jokes, creating a lighthearted atmosphere.
Needs trimming, but I like where you're going with this.
- #782
nismaratwork
- 358
- 0
Jimmy Snyder said:
That's the line in a movie that causes the evil spirit to whisper, "kiiiiilllll for meeeeeee..."
I'd go for a sandwich though, and if you like I'll start calling you Prophet Snyder.
- #783
Jimmy Snyder
- 1,122
- 22
It has as many words as I require, no more and no less. Which ones did you have in mind?nismaratwork said:
- #784
nismaratwork
- 358
- 0
Jimmy Snyder said:
"Tuba"
"Aquifer"
"Quietly"
"Heme"
- #785
dkotschessaa
- 1,063
- 763
A photon walks into a bar. "Go away," says the bartender, "we don't serve light beer."
- #786
dkotschessaa
- 1,063
- 763
A computer walks into a bar with 1024 megabytes telling bad jokes. "What are you doing?" the bartender demands. "These jokes are awful!" "Sorry," says the computer, "but it's the only gig I've got."
- #787
EnumaElish
Science Advisor
- 2,346
- 124
Gravity walks into a coffeehouse. "Go away," says the barista, "we don't serve weak coffee here."
- #788
Borek
Mentor
- 29,147
- 4,575
Two bats hang from the branch. "I don't want to get old" says one. "Why?" "I am afraid of urinary incontinence."
- #789
Kevin_Axion
- 912
- 3
What do you do with dead chemists?
Barium.
Barium.
- #790
EnumaElish
Science Advisor
- 2,346
- 124
Danny was born to fish people -- that's how they described themselves to outsiders, often from behind a wan smile. His father, his uncles, his cousins and his nephews were fishermen. They joked to each other (too readily and too often, Danny would say) about growing scales, fins, and gills on their backs. Danny was different; he liked to step on, be on, and live on dry land. Where they lived, not being a fisherman meant choosing between moving away and getting hired by the other local employer, the prison system. Danny also liked Molly's laughter. You see, they had practically grown up together, he and Molly, and it didn't matter to him that most everybody thought she was a little crazy. Not lock-her-up crazy, you understand, but in this loud-speaking, hand-n-arm-waving, they'll-hear-what-I've-got-to-say way of crazy. And that was part of why Danny liked Molly; her laughter was the other part. In fact, when he heard her laughter he felt (as much as he did not, and would not admit it to no-one, and admitted barely to himself) as if the land, the sea, and the sky joined together and took on a purpose that they had long-forgotten. And Molly didn't look like or sound like she was going to move anywhere anytime soon. That's the long and the short of why Danny stayed and became a prison-bus driver. One day, he was driving the empty bus when he saw Molly riding her bicycle along the road. He caught with her, then slowed down. She stopped; he stopped. He opened the passenger door and called to her: "Hey Molly, want to ride in my bus?" Molly smiled and said: "Men driving shiny, sporty cars asked me to ride with them, and I turned them down -- most of them, anyway. What makes you think that I'd get off my bike and get on your old bus?" Danny was silent for a second or two; then, "Come on," he said, "people rob, steal, and kill to get on this bus!" And that's when she laughed.
- #791
Lancelot59
- 640
- 1
Kevin_Axion said:
HA! I like that one.
- #792
Kevin_Axion
- 912
- 3
What do you do with dead chemists?
Helium (It's endless, so many elements sound like verbs).
Helium (It's endless, so many elements sound like verbs).
- #793
jtbell
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
Homework Helper
- 16,029
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Years and years ago, when I was in high school, our chemistry teacher gave us a quiz based on element puns like this. They must be all over the web now.
Well-driller's chant: boron
Prometheum anything, but give her Arpége.
Well-driller's chant: boron
Prometheum anything, but give her Arpége.
- #794
Lacy33
- 242
- 1
Proof that Men Remember
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring
and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring
and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'
- #795
drizzle
Gold Member
- 200
- 58
OMG - #796
IMP
- 33
- 1
Blondes With Hammers...
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
Carol explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”
Donna got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!”
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
Carol explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”
Donna got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!”
- #797
Lancelot59
- 640
- 1
Lacy33 said:
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
- #798
klimatos
- 411
- 36
A young assistant zookeeper at the San Diego Zoo was given his first opportunity to run his own park. It was a small city-owned park in the Midwest; and, quite frankly, did not have much to offer.
Its chief claim to fame was a large, elderly, and extremely tame lion named Leo. During the daytime hours, Leo was given the run of the park. His favorite activity was to stretch full-length across a sunny patch on one of the parks many walks and take naps. Both staff and visitors were accustomed to either walk around him or (if their legs were long enough) step over him. Young boys, of course, would try to leap over him—not always successfully. Leo was unfazed. He would simply raise his majestic head, give the offender a long penetrating look, and then lower his head and continue with his nap.
Like all such zoos, this one was visited by dozens of school groups during the school year. One day our young director got an agitated call from one of the teachers who was heading such a group. She said that she and her class had been watching the porpoises in the porpoise tank; and were shocked to see that the animals were having sex right out in the open. Something had to be done, she said, and NOW!
Having never encountered this problem before, our young director immediately put in a call to his mentor back at the San Diego Zoo. “What should I do?” he pleaded. “Well,” said the mentor, “porpoises usually engage in excessive sex only when they’re bored. What do you have in the tank with them? Sea lions? Sea otters?” “Nothing yet,“ said our young friend, “but I have plans as soon as the budget allows.”
“Do you have any sea birds?” asked his mentor. “Oh, yes!” said our young friend. “We have all kinds of gulls, terns and boobies over in the aviary.” “Okay,” says the mentor “put some of those in with the porpoises. That should do the trick for the time being.”
With heartfelt thanks, our young friend hung up the phone and immediately hurried over to the aviary, stepping over Leo who was stretched out in a sunny spot immediately in front of the entrance to the Aviary. Gathering about a dozen gulls in a couple of transport cages, he started over toward the porpoise tank, stepping over Leo once more.
No sooner had he done so, then two FBI agents leaped out of the nearby bushes and put him under arrest. “What for?” he cried. “Violation of the Mann Act!” the senior agent replied. “You were caught red-handed!” I don’t understand!”, the young director pleaded.
Crowed the senior agent, “Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immoral porpoises!
Its chief claim to fame was a large, elderly, and extremely tame lion named Leo. During the daytime hours, Leo was given the run of the park. His favorite activity was to stretch full-length across a sunny patch on one of the parks many walks and take naps. Both staff and visitors were accustomed to either walk around him or (if their legs were long enough) step over him. Young boys, of course, would try to leap over him—not always successfully. Leo was unfazed. He would simply raise his majestic head, give the offender a long penetrating look, and then lower his head and continue with his nap.
Like all such zoos, this one was visited by dozens of school groups during the school year. One day our young director got an agitated call from one of the teachers who was heading such a group. She said that she and her class had been watching the porpoises in the porpoise tank; and were shocked to see that the animals were having sex right out in the open. Something had to be done, she said, and NOW!
Having never encountered this problem before, our young director immediately put in a call to his mentor back at the San Diego Zoo. “What should I do?” he pleaded. “Well,” said the mentor, “porpoises usually engage in excessive sex only when they’re bored. What do you have in the tank with them? Sea lions? Sea otters?” “Nothing yet,“ said our young friend, “but I have plans as soon as the budget allows.”
“Do you have any sea birds?” asked his mentor. “Oh, yes!” said our young friend. “We have all kinds of gulls, terns and boobies over in the aviary.” “Okay,” says the mentor “put some of those in with the porpoises. That should do the trick for the time being.”
With heartfelt thanks, our young friend hung up the phone and immediately hurried over to the aviary, stepping over Leo who was stretched out in a sunny spot immediately in front of the entrance to the Aviary. Gathering about a dozen gulls in a couple of transport cages, he started over toward the porpoise tank, stepping over Leo once more.
No sooner had he done so, then two FBI agents leaped out of the nearby bushes and put him under arrest. “What for?” he cried. “Violation of the Mann Act!” the senior agent replied. “You were caught red-handed!” I don’t understand!”, the young director pleaded.
Crowed the senior agent, “Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immoral porpoises!
- #799
FtlIsAwesome
Gold Member
- 204
- 0
Here's a lame one.
People are too paranoid these days. I would like to live in a world where a chicken's motives for travel aren't questioned.
People are too paranoid these days. I would like to live in a world where a chicken's motives for travel aren't questioned.
- #800
Max™
- 265
- 1
Why did the lame chicken cross the road?
The road was a secant of the circle followed by the bird as it hobbled around.
The road was a secant of the circle followed by the bird as it hobbled around.
- #801
Barrett1
- 2
- 0
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Lollllllllllllllllllllllllz :D
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Lollllllllllllllllllllllllz :D
- #802
Jimmy Snyder
- 1,122
- 22
Is this really coffee? It tastes like mud.
No sir, that would be the tea. The coffee tastes like turpentine.
No sir, that would be the tea. The coffee tastes like turpentine.
- #803
FtlIsAwesome
Gold Member
- 204
- 0
This one's been done more than once. So let me redo it.
Anti-atom 1: I lost a positron!
Anti-atom 2: Are sure?
Anti-atom 3: I'm negative!
Anti-atom 1: I lost a positron!
Anti-atom 2: Are sure?
Anti-atom 3: I'm negative!
- #804
nismaratwork
- 358
- 0
"Lincoln Lincoln I've been thinkin'
What the hell have you been drinkin'?
Is it whisky? Is it Wine?
Oh my god it's turpentine!"
A variation I've heard:
"Lincoln Lincoln I've been thinking:
If the world were made of glass;
Everybody in creation'd
fall and slide upon their Lincoln Lincoln... (repeat)"
What the hell have you been drinkin'?
Is it whisky? Is it Wine?
Oh my god it's turpentine!"
A variation I've heard:
"Lincoln Lincoln I've been thinking:
If the world were made of glass;
Everybody in creation'd
fall and slide upon their Lincoln Lincoln... (repeat)"
- #805
nismaratwork
- 358
- 0
I don't know if this has been posted or not... possibly by me!
"Tommy was a chemist, but he isn't any more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4."
"Tommy was a chemist, but he isn't any more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4."
- #806
FtlIsAwesome
Gold Member
- 204
- 0
Tommy was an idiot.
- #807
nismaratwork
- 358
- 0
FtlIsAwesome said:
Indeed he was
- #808
IMP
- 33
- 1
*** Adult Truths ***
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
- #809
nismaratwork
- 358
- 0
"When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose."
- #810
Borg
Science Advisor
Gold Member
- 2,291
- 5,002
nismaratwork said:
A friend of mine used to always say "mine's only 5 inches but, most women like 'em that wide". Now that I think of it, he didn't have a good memory either.