Collection of Lame Jokes

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24,336 replies · 3M views
nismaratwork said:
That's what happens when you use a slide-rule upside down... :biggrin:
I have a calculator. What happens if you use it upside-down?
 
Physics news on Phys.org
FtlIsAwesome said:
I have a calculator. What happens if you use it upside-down?
Try 2578 x 3 and see what breaks out.
 
FtlIsAwesome said:
I have a calculator. What happens if you use it upside-down?

Your cock's crow falls flat. :biggrin:

@Lancelot59: No you don't. :wink:
 
nismaratwork said:
Your cock's crow falls flat. :biggrin:

@Lancelot59: No you don't. :wink:

Well I'd like to learn for the same reason I'd like to learn assembly. Fascination with old stuff. Plus when world war 3 happens calculators won't work anymore.
 
Lancelot59 said:
Well I'd like to learn for the same reason I'd like to learn assembly. Fascination with old stuff. Plus when world war 3 happens calculators won't work anymore.

:smile:

Yes, there is that... so you learned assembly?! Heh... did you want to program an OS, or was it really pure fascination with the guts of the machine?
 
nismaratwork said:
:smile:

Yes, there is that... so you learned assembly?! Heh... did you want to program an OS, or was it really pure fascination with the guts of the machine?

I haven't yet. I want to though...I want to learn too many things.
 
A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
 
IMP said:
A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

I laughed. He must be an engineer of some sort.
 
IMP said:
A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Funniest joke I heard in a while :D
 
On that subject:

[PLAIN]http://img819.imageshack.us/img819/3277/calculusposter.jpg
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Lancelot59! This was up as the page refreshed when I came around the corner. I laughed so loud and unexpectedly, I think everyone is up now. That is FUNNY!
 
A fighter pilot's lament

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

pilotkid.jpg


Please bear in mind this is a photoshopped JOKE. I am NOT the pilot, and this is NOT my son.
 
Lacy33 said:
Lancelot59! This was up as the page refreshed when I came around the corner. I laughed so loud and unexpectedly, I think everyone is up now. That is FUNNY!

You're welcome! :biggrin:
 
FtlIsAwesome said:
There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary statement.


There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.


There is 10 type of people in this world: those who know that this statement is a paradox.


There are 10 types of people in this world: well, apparently this world is uninhabited.
Yes, this is lame. The problem with this thread is that there's lots of funny stuff in it, not including your contribution.
 
ThomasT said:
Yes, this is lame. The problem with this thread is that there's lots of funny stuff in it, not including your contribution.

:smile:


Now, no offense Fit, but Thomas... :smile: that was gooooood.
 


mugaliens said:
Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

pilotkid.jpg


Please bear in mind this is a photoshopped JOKE. I am NOT the pilot, and this is NOT my son.


Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice. Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice.
 


DevilsAvocado said:
Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice. Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice.
Heheh.



DevilsAvocado said:
Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice. Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice.
Heheh.
 
FtlIsAwesome said:
There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary statement.There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.There is 10 type of people in this world: those who know that this statement is a paradox.There are 10 types of people in this world: well, apparently this world is uninhabited.
There is 10 type of people in this world: these people are so negative.
 
FtlIsAwesome said:
There is 10 type of people in this world: these people are so negative.
FtlIsAwesome said:
There is 10 type of people in this world: these people are so negative.


Most people nowadays think 20 negative people are too much.
.hcum oot era elpoep evitagen 02 kniht syadawon elpoep tsoM


(:biggrin:)(:biggrin:)
 
DevilsAvocado said:
Most people nowadays think 20 negative people are too much.
.hcum oot era elpoep evitagen 02 kniht syadawon elpoep tsoM


(:biggrin:)(:biggrin:)

Mind that post doesn't interact with itself and annihilate!

P.S. Backward English looks suspciously Scandinavian... :wink:
 
nismaratwork said:
Mind that post doesn't interact with itself and annihilate!

NO anti-post!?

nismaratwork said:
P.S. Backward English looks suspciously Scandinavian... :wink:

Haev yöu crooked tse stoipid cod?? :bugeye: Meine kleine Greta thold mee it was kömpletely zafe!
 
DevilsAvocado said:
NO anti-post!?

Haev yöu crooked tse stoipid cod?? :bugeye: Meine kleine Greta thold mee it was kömpletely zafe!

:smile:

Damn you Dutch traders, for injecting so much Scandy-goodness into the odd pastiche that is Ingels! :wink:
 
nismaratwork said:
Mind that post doesn't interact with itself and annihilate!
Well, I did say something about fireworks!
 


nismaratwork said:
:smile:

Damn you Dutch traders, for injecting so much Scandy-goodness into the odd pastiche that is Ingels! :wink:

Vhery try! Its zhat öld pästuiche Julio Inglesias bläädy fualt!

Julio_Iglesias08.jpg
 


jtbell said:
Aha! You're the person responsible for the opening credits in Monty Python and the Holy Grail!

230px-Egil_Skallagrimsson_17c_manuscript.jpg

Wöw... Aim thönk Aj häve been cäught whit möy läderhösen döwn...


...okäy, wee allh göt säcked, alsö wik myh deer freund Svenge (Öslo deäntist). Böt teah reeplasmacement – tree öllegal ömmigrants – däd ö heäck öf a jöbb!

Directed By
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)
REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON
76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY
and
TERRY GILLIAM & TERRY JONES

[URL]http://www.cjsr.uAlberta.ca/cms/news/jpegs/The-Three-Amigos-Photograph-C10101975.jp[/URL]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvIKL_pTZFE​

WIK MOOSE!

:biggrin:
 
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A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his a**. The doctors described his condition as stable.
 

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