Collection of Lame Jokes

[FtlIsAwesome]

 

[jtbell]

A team of astronauts landed on planet Elowel
Immediately after they stepped onto the surface, they burst out laughing.

And then they discovered that it's inhabited by lolcats.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

A group of hearts got together at the exercise gym.
One of the hearts said, "Let's pump that iron in our blood!"

------

Have you ever found a program so bad that you wanted your money back even though it was freeware?

------

What does a zombie playing Halo say?

"I like the Flood. We're so much alike. Zombies and Flood must be cousins."

 

[HeLiXe]

lol at the pumping iron lolol

 

[HeLiXe]

The astronauts decided to name one of the moons Roffel.

Where was I when you posted this LOLOL

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Where was I when you posted this LOLOL

Not here.

 

[HeLiXe]

GAh! You and your answers! You could have at least said Uranus or something.

 

[HeLiXe]

Isn't that data stored in http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/miass.html" ?

^^Like this is the perfect opportunity to insert a Uranus joke
edit:
Really funny link btw Dave LOLOLOLL

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

GAh! You and your answers!

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I is a high schooler.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

ping char
ping micro
ping peng

 

[HeLiXe]

ping ching

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Supperman eats alot.

 

[DaveC426913]

OK, is this the lame jokes thread, or the toddler's jibber jabber thread?

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

OK, is this the lame jokes thread, or the toddler's jibber jabber thread?

Aren't those pretty much the same thing?

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Current
Microsoft Windows

2015
Microsoft Doors

2020
Microsoft Walls

2025
Microsoft Gates

 

[Darken-Sol]

ping ching

ping pong, or as the chinese say, ping pong.

 

[Lancelot59]

Current
Microsoft Windows

2015
Microsoft Doors

2020
Microsoft Walls

2025
Microsoft Gates

Are those still valid since he retired?

 

[Lancelot59]

Here's some:

There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

Why did Mr. Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm? Because he couldn't resistor!

 

[QuarkCharmer]

What do you call one period of a sinusoidal sheep?

Spoiler

Lamb, duh!

/all I got.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

IMHO
In My Haughty Opinion

NASA
Nickle Alloy Stapler Agency

FBI
Flour Bakery Institute

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Why did Mr. Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm? Because he couldn't resistor!

She left her earlier husband, Mr. Z, because he had a case of impedence.

 

[I like Serena]

She left her earlier husband, Mr. Z, because he had a case of impedence.

Like!

 

[IMP]

I discovered that I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

 

[DaveC426913]

Q: I got an orange tree, a lemon tree and a lime tree. Which one will I find my chicken in?

A: My Poultry.

- the homeless guy, southbound Church at Richmond, 8:55 this morning

 

[drizzle]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I think it was Jon Stewart [maybe Colbert] who pointed this out:

If someone is pro-life, and pro-gun, then they must believe that fetuses have the right to own firearms.

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Why can't you teach a horse to graph?

Because you can't put Descartes before a horse.

 

[HeLiXe]

lololol

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I bought an old computer so I could get two thousand windows for my house.

 

[HeLiXe]

lololll You must have a big house!

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

My neighbor wasn't so lucky. He could only afford ninety-five windows.


My other neighbor didn't buy a number of windows, he bought an amount measured in letters.

 

[HeLiXe]

vectors? @_@

 

[Borek]

I remember having 3.11 window.

 

[DaveC426913]

I remember having 3.11 window.

I remember when 3.11 was the eagerly awaited upgrade.

 

[dandirom]

Genie :D

A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'.

After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'.

Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.'

After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I have an idea to solve the Pluto debate.

Blow up Pluto.

 

[Frankly]

While on a grueling march through the desert during Napoleons Egyptian campaign, the troops water supplies ran out, and thirst began to set in. After two days without water, and with Napoleon refusing to turn back, the men had had enough and mutiny broke out. After a brief skirmish with his personal guards, the great Napoleon found himself surrounded by his own troops, a ring of bayonet tips inches from his face. Just when it seemed all was lost, a rain drop landed on Napoleons nose, then another, and another, and then a deluge erupted. The men were silent, all that could be heard was the sound of the rain drumming on their hats. Napoleon was saved, the men had water at last. Napoleon threw his hat in the air and cried 'Its raining, men! Hallelujah! Its raining, men!'

 

[micromass]

Now, I know that mathematical texts are hard for the beginner. This is why I will present here some basic terminology that math books like to use:

1) It can be proven...

This may take upwards of a year, and no shorter than four hours, and may require something like 5 reams of scratch paper, 100 pencils, or 100 refills (For those who use mechanical pencils). If you are only an undergraduate, you need not bother attempting the proof as it will be impossible for you.

2) It can be shown...

Usually this would take the teacher about one hour of blackboard work, so he/she avoids doing it. Another possibility of course is that the instructor doesn't understand the proof himself/herself.

3) It is obvious...

Only to PhD's who specialize in that field, or to instructors who have taught the course 100 times.

4) It is easily derived...

Meaning that the teacher figures that even the student could derive it. The dedicated student who wishes to do this will waste the next weekend in the attempt. Also possible that the teacher read this somewhere, and wants to sound like he/she really has it together.

5) It is obvious...

Only to the Author of the textbook, or Carl Gauss. More likely only Carl Gauss. Last time I saw this was as a step in a proof of Fermat's last theorem.

6) The proof is beyond the scope of this text.

Obviously this is a plot. The reader will never find any text with the proof in it. The Proof doesn't exist. The theorem just turned out to be usefull to the author.

7) The proof is left up to the reader.

...sure let us do all the work. Does the author think that we have nothing better to do than sit around with THEIR textbook, and do the work that THEY should have done?

8) Sample Proof: . . .

4.7 At this point we assume that x is an element of the set S, and therefore...We know this according to L. Krueger[pg. 71]


Question...has anyone ever bothered to see if these type of references exist. Come on...we all know what happens when we are writing a freshman english composition and run out of sources...how better to prove your thesis with a little blurb from some obscure, and nonexistant source9) HINT:...

The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.

10) The diligent student can show...

It is an unsolved problem - probably harder than Fermat's Last Theorem.

 

[Lancelot59]

I remember when 3.11 was the eagerly awaited upgrade.

I still have an ancient laptop that runs windows 3.12.

 

[IMP]

Scientific Conversions

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
10 rations = 1 decoration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

 

[micromass]

Scientific Conversions

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
52 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
10 rations = 1 decoration
2 monograms = 1 diagram
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

1 millionth of a mass?

 

[Borek]

2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

And not 4?

That's almost half of Beijing.

 

[IMP]

1 millionth of a mass?

Micromass of course!

 

[jtbell]

10^-12 ghost = 1 picoboo

9 x 10^-9 musical instruments = 1 nanononet

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

3) It is obvious...

The professor writes the next equation on the board and says "This step is trivial." One of the students raises their hand and asks "Are you sure?" The professor stands in front of the board, lost in thought for about ten minutes. Then turns to the student and says "Yes, it's trivial."

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

1 millionth of a greeting?

 

[micromass]

1 millionth of a greeting?

A microwave!

 

[jtbell]

9 x 10^-9 musical instruments = 1 nanononet

If only Luigi Nono had written one...

 

[QuarkCharmer]

If only Luigi Nono had written one...

If it wasn't limited to musical instruments you could say it's equal to 1 nanonona

"It can be proven...", and the conversions are the best things I have read all day. Thanks

Also:

10^9 Giants = 1 Gigagigas's