Collection of Lame Jokes

[Borg]

My wife knows that trick. She will tell me that I can have three pieces and then cuts it into smaller slices each time.

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Keith_McClary]

Moderately Confused by Jeff Stahler for August 24, 2020

 

[jack action]

My friend got a degree in egyptology, but can't get a job. So he's spending more money to get a PhD, such that he can work teaching other people egyptology.

In his case, college is literally a pyramid scheme.

 

[DrClaude]

A guy phones in an order of pizza for delivery.

Customer: "That'll be one large super supreme, please."

Clerk: "Would you like it cut into six or eight pieces?"

Customer: "Better make it six. I don't think I could manage to eat eight."

That's a Yogiism. But as Yogi Berra said himself,

I never said most of the things I said.

 

[Ibix]

But as Yogi Berra said himself,

I never said most of the things I said.

Related: eventually, all witticisms and pithy observations will be attributed to Mark Twain.

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

To all teachers out there, a new cheating method to watch for:

 

[BillTre]

 

[Vanadium 50]

Can't argue with that logic.

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[Fervent Freyja]

I found this today. I’m going to do it.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

Greg
Kentucky
3029

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[jtbell]

Two guys walk into a bar.

Guy #1: "I'll have some H₂O."

Guy #2: "I'll have some H₂O, too."

They both down their drinks and guy #2 dies.

 

[Bandersnatch]

Two guys walk into a bar.

Guy #1: "I'll have some H2O."

Guy #2: "I'll have some H2O, too."

They both down their drinks and guy #2 dies.

'And here's a fiver for some H2O for you, barkeep!'
Barkeep is buried in a lead coffin.

 

[jack action]

'And here's a fiver for some H2O for you, barkeep!'
Barkeep is buried in a lead coffin.

I didn't know about that chemical (although I could imagine it had to do with radioactive material), so I did a little search on the web for it. The first match was a water store. I guess they like the play on words but didn't know that the chemical really exists:

 

[jack action]

Did you hear about the band called 1023MB?

They're good, but they haven't got a gig yet.

 

[davenn]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

[mfb]

Uranium dioxideperoxide
It's a solid with only mild radioactivity (for reasonable uranium isotopes).

 

[etotheipi]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

I heard that 100% of people who drink water die

 

[fresh_42]

I heard that 100% of people who drink water die

What is water? Is that this thing which is sold in bottles with the note: for external use only?

 

[etotheipi]

Is that this thing which is sold in bottles with the note: for external use only?

I believe that's ketchup. But warning labels are sure important:

 

[BillTre]