Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

 

[berkeman]

https://www.dadpatrol.com/bat-dad/t...rome=1&D5c=1&A5c=1&D_4_6cALL=1&D_4_6_10cALL=1

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

​

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ibix]

They're absolutely the best, though.

(In case that's Brits-only.)

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 314314

Imagine those dogs walking around in pain. Ouch!

 

[Godot_]

Vets have to dispose of their ... droppings, too.
Also would explain the price.

On topic:

An epic end-of-the-world story:

"Begone!" said the solipsist.

 

[fresh_42]

Oktoberfest in Munich! It's a long way home.

 

[Orodruin]

Can confirm, I did 3.5 years in Munich as a postdoc. It is the only time I have been told my face looked green. (Combining a couple of Maßkrug with one of those human centrifuge theme park rides wrecks havoc on your sense of balance …)

 

[dextercioby]

Social media would have been a bad idea a while ago.

 

[jack action]

Bread is like the sun: it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

 

[fresh_42]

Bread is like the sun: it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

 

[BillTre]

 

[Orodruin]

Somehow I thought of this one …

 

[Arjan82]

Somehow I thought of this one …

This is stolen from 'Allo 'Allo!, but unfortunately I cannot find the fragment...

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[BillTre]

 

[jack action]

When a man says he'd do
anything for a woman
he means he'd stop bullets
and kill dragons,
not clean the basement
and wash dishes.​

 

[DaveC426913]

My own creation. (Did I post this already?)

There once was a man from Felicity
Who trusted his wife implicitly
But when he told her so
She rebuked him "No longer so!
For now you have spake it explicitly!"

 

[artis]

 

[artis]

This is actually not a joke, but it just happened that the "escape" button on my keyboard "escaped" the keyboard due to a stronger than usual push upon it.

 

[Baluncore]

This is actually not a joke, ...

Tiddlywinks now reaching escape velocity, (from the keyboard).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiddlywinks

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

Took me a couple of beats to get this one:

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist.

"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact, I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"

 

[dextercioby]

Properly lame, big thumbs down for it.

 

[fresh_42]

My daughter is taking part in an experiment. She has to wear the Seahawks jersey for two weeks to find out how people react to it. She was spat on, beaten and mobbed. I wonder what will happen when she leaves the house.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

What do you call someone who emigrates from a certain Balkan country to the capital of New York state?

An Albanian Albanian.

 

[dextercioby]

The lamest part of the joke has to be the grammar.

 

[DrGreg]

The lamest part of the joke has to be the grammar.View attachment 314448

A contest where the winner is a loser?

ILLOGICAL! CANNOT COMPUTE!

(Computer* explodes in a puff of logic.)

*In case you're not familiar with this new-fangled concept of computer, it's a large box covered with flashing lights, spinning tape spools, paper tape readers and teletypes, and talks like a dalek.

 

[kuruman]

A contest where the winner is a loser?

If there are only two contestants in such a contest, who is the winner?

 

[jbriggs444]

A contest where the winner is a loser?

Dinner for Schmucks: "Which I nailed"

 

[Swamp Thing]

A contest where the winner is a loser?

ILLOGICAL! CANNOT COMPUTE!

If there are only two contestants in such a contest, who is the winner?

Reminds one of Russel's barber paradox.

 

[Borg]

View attachment 314461

Birds Aren't Real​

 

[DennisN]

Everything was better before. Stone age, for example, no bills, no IRS, and BBQ the whole time.

Yes. And before the wheel was invented there were fewer road accidents too!

 

[DennisN]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 314463

Heh heh. Had to think about that one for a moment...

 

[Ibix]

In case you're not familiar with this new-fangled concept of computer, it's a large box covered with flashing lights, spinning tape spools, paper tape readers and teletypes, and talks like a dalek.

ACHTUNG!
ALLES TURISTEN UND NONTEKNISCHEN LOOKENSPEEPERS!
DAS KOMPUTERMASCHINE IST NICHT FÜR DER GEFINGERPOKEN UND MITTENGRABEN! ODERWISE IST EASY TO SCHNAPPEN DER SPRINGENWERK, BLOWENFUSEN UND POPPENCORKEN MIT SPITZENSPARKEN.
IST NICHT FÜR GEWERKEN BEI DUMMKOPFEN. DER RUBBERNECKEN SIGHTSEEREN KEEPEN DAS COTTONPICKEN HÄNDER IN DAS POCKETS MUSS.
ZO RELAXEN UND WATSCHEN DER BLINKENLICHTEN.

 

[DennisN]

This one's a bit old, but still fun :

 

[kuruman]

ACHTUNG!
ALLES TURISTEN UND NONTEKNISCHEN LOOKENSPEEPERS!
DAS KOMPUTERMASCHINE IST NICHT FÜR DER GEFINGERPOKEN UND MITTENGRABEN! ODERWISE IST EASY TO SCHNAPPEN DER SPRINGENWERK, BLOWENFUSEN UND POPPENCORKEN MIT SPITZENSPARKEN.
IST NICHT FÜR GEWERKEN BEI DUMMKOPFEN. DER RUBBERNECKEN SIGHTSEEREN KEEPEN DAS COTTONPICKEN HÄNDER IN DAS POCKETS MUSS.
ZO RELAXEN UND WATSCHEN DER BLINKENLICHTEN.

I remember one of these signs on ye olde PDP-8 in the lab.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jack action]