Collection of Lame Jokes

[Keith_McClary]

 

[jack action]

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[DrGreg]

View attachment 268532​

Free guitar, no strings attached

An excuse to recycle a joke I've told before on this site:

Free barometer, no pressure.

 

[fresh_42]

An excuse to repeat a joke I've told before on this site:

Free barometer, no pressure.

These type of jokes reminds me of what we told as school kids: free Greenland - off with the ice shield. Now that it actually happens it isn't so funny anymore.

 

[256bits]

Greg
Kentucky
3029

I couldn't find Pluto.
No wonder
" Pluto (minor planet designation: 134340 Pluto) "

 

[256bits]

These type of jokes reminds me on what we told as school kids: free Greenland - off with the ice shield. Now that it actually happens it isn't so funny anymore.

Made me think of the Freemasons and what do they have to do with the mason jars.
If one has a stuck lid do you call them up to free the jar?
And is it a free service?
Must be a catch.
Could be that the first service call is free, and you get dinged each and every time after that.
Poor granny who wants a home made sweet n sour pickle but can't afford the fee until the gov't check comes in at the end on the month.
Oh the humanity of it all.

 

[256bits]

View attachment 268498

In times like this, shouldn't that be "Stay Negative."
It's a weird world out there.

 

[phinds]

In times like this, shouldn't that be "Stay Negative."
It's a weird world out there.

Ah ... you think maybe that was the point of the joke?

 

[fresh_42]

In times like this, shouldn't that be "Stay Negative."
It's a weird world out there.

This also reminds me of an old pun: a fellow student hung a sign at his door "The only positive in my life has been the test!" Only that he meant another test in the 80's.

 

[256bits]

Howling wolf. We need the howling wolf icon!

Would this be of any acceptance in lieu of the howling wolf.

Crazy dog

 

[DaveC426913]

Linguistics Professor, to class: "A double negative such as 'I won't not' makes a positive. But a double positive never makes a negative."

Scoffing student in back row: "Yeah, right."

 

[phinds]

Linguistics Professor, to class: "A double negative such as 'I won't not' makes a positive. But a double positive never makes a negative."

Scoffing student in back row: "Yeah, right."

But actually, because of the sarcasm w/ which they are spoken in that context they are actually each negatives and two negatives is just a negative, so in the WRITTEN version, he's technically correct but not really for the spoken version.

Yeah, I know, I'm a spoilsport. I do get the joke.

 

[Ibix]

Scoffing student in back row: "Yeah, right."

"Anyway, Skinny broke into the argument and said that he could prove mathematically that antigravity was possible, and Stinky said suure he could, and Skinny said sure he could, and Stinky said suuure he could, like that. Honestly, is that any way to argue? I mean it sounds like two people agreeing,"

One of my favourite short stories - We didn't do anything wrong, hardly.

 

[DaveC426913]

But actually, because of the sarcasm w/ which they are spoken in that context they are actually each negatives

Yeah, I know, I'm a spoilsport. I do get the joke.

Not to belabour the joke, but...

The individual spoken words would not in-and-of-themselves constitute sarcasm. If the student had simply said "Yeah" that doesn't really have any sarcastic subtext. It's the combination in the oft-used phrase "Yeah, right" that begets the sarcasm.

 

[phinds]

Not to belabour the joke, but...

The individual spoken words would not in-and-of-themselves constitute sarcasm. If the student had simply said "Yeah" that doesn't really have any sarcastic subtext. It's the combination in the oft-used phrase "Yeah, right" that begets the sarcasm.

I disagree. "Right" can be spoken as "Riiiiiight" and is clearly sarcastic. Similarly, "yeah" can be spoken with pure sarcasm.

 

[davenn]

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ibix]

If you have ice cream then I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream then I will take it away from you.

This is an ice cream koan.

 

[phinds]

From a collect of smart-ass remarks by pilots and/or ground controllers. Some of the better ones.

Tower: TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees to a heading of 120 degrees
Pilot: Hey tower, we're at 30,000 feet. How much noise can we MAKE up here?
Tower: Well, do you know how much noise a 747 makes when it collides with a 737?

Pilot: (one of many, waiting for takeoff) I'm $#^*@#% bored
Tower: Last pilot to transmit, identify yourself immediately !
Pilot: I said I'm $#^*@#% bored, not $#^*@#% stupid.

After a DC-10 came in fast and made a long stop almost to the end of the runway:
Tower: American 751, make a hard right at the end of the runway if you are able. If you are not, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the light, and return to the airport.

 

[phinds]

This is from sometime in the1990's as I recall. At that time, Quantas had the best safety record of any airline and very rigorous maintenance crews. These crews took their jobs very seriously but didn't always take the paperwork seriously. These are actual pilot (P) incident reports and maintenance crew (M) responses (in writing). I found this list so hilarious that I went to the trouble of typing it into a text file from the magazine it was in. I just ran across the file.

Enjoy:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M:Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing
M: After brief search, engine found on right wing.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[DaveC426913]

Co-Pilot to Pilot: "Sir! We're coming in too fast! We won't stop in time!"
Pilot: "Extend flaps and landing gear to kill our speed."
Co-pilot: "Still not enough! We're going to go off the end of the runway!"
Pilot: "Full reverse on engines!"
Co-pilot: "I don't know if it'll be enough!"

Plane lands with screeching brakes and smoking tires - and stops with its front wheels just off the tarmack into the grass.

Pilot: "Wow, that is the shortest runaway I've ever seen!"
Co-pilot: "Yeah. But sure is wide."

 

[DaveC426913]

P: Number 3 engine missing
M: After brief search, engine found on right wing.

"After brief search..."
Kills me every time.

 

[Ibix]

From a collect of smart-ass remarks by pilots and/or ground controllers. Some of the better ones.

If you want to while away a few hours, search YouTube for Kennedy Steve. That's a nickname for a (now retired) ground controller at JFK who radiated an interesting mix of confidence, competence, and dad jokes. One of his standards was telling a pilot who asked which way to face (meaning should they turn the aircraft left or right once they reverse off the terminal building) that they should face the front because passengers get nervous if they see the pilot facing the other way. Reactions ranged from a clearly annoyed "hilarious" to "yeah, but you should see the expressions on their faces".

 

[Ibix]

Plane lands with screeching brakes and smoking tires - and stops with its front wheels just off the tarmack into the grass.

I've genuinely had a seminar canceled because the speaker was unable to make it due to his aircraft being stuck in mud. Apparently his local airport was built on a bog and the aircraft's wheel had come slightly off the taxiway...

 

[jack action]

Egg salad is still chicken salad when you think about it.

 

[fresh_42]

Egg salad is still chicken salad when you think about it.

In some countries, yes, but I definitely prefer my eggs unfertilized.

 

[BillTre]

Well, you could use non-chicken eggs.

Which came first, the chicken salad or the egg salad?

 

[Bystander]

Co-pilot: "Yeah. But sure is wide."

We had/have a member whose signature included/s "Full flaps god____it, that's a tennis court!"