Collection of Lame Jokes

[BillTre]

 

[Bystander]

Eventually, all quotes will be attributed to Mark Twain.

..., or to W. C. Fields.

 

[DaveC426913]

View attachment 316993

Ironically, they have actually done so.

The term "PC" is an attempt to solve the problem of saying political correctness without saying political correctness.

 

[berkeman]

The post-script notes at the end of the TV show "Northwoods Law" are usually pretty good. They tell you the end result of the cases that the Game Wardens dealt with in that episode. But this post-script made me do a double-take...

 

[Ibix]

100% caffeine?

 

[DaveC426913]

I was thinking ethylene glycol...

 

[nsaspook]

FTX headquarters when the investigators arrive.

 

[fresh_42]

The post-script notes at the end of the TV show "Northwoods Law" are usually pretty good. They tell you the end result of the cases that the Game Wardens dealt with in that episode. But this post-script made me do a double-take...

View attachment 317058

I never understood why Americans are so obsessed with zombies, but now it's getting ridiculous!

 

[WWGD]

Ironically, they have actually done so.

The term "PC" is an attempt to solve the problem of saying political correctness without saying political correctness.

Related

I never understood why Americans are so obsessed with zombies, but now it's getting ridiculous!

Zoobyshoe wrote a really good reply to that. It seemed convincing and well argued , but I can't, embarrassingly, remember what he wrote. I haven't seen him in PF for years now.

 

[WWGD]

My ex GF had broad shoulders.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[jack action]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[DennisN]

 

[DennisN]

 

[CopperKettle2]

hello everybody :)

Let's assume that we could steal all electrons of an atom. What would happen? How would the atom change its properties? Could we measure different values?

Nothing positive will happen if you steal electrons. This is a crime. You will be charged.

 

[Orodruin]

Nothing positive will happen if you steal electrons. This is a crime. You will be charged.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

Hulk Hogan is Moses!​

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[berkeman]

Just wait until he stands up... Owiee!

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[DennisN]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[BillTre]

Poorly drawn leaves!

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 317274

Poorly drawn leaves!

That's what drugs'll do to ya'!

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 317283

Hm. Clearly a phenomenon related to the "gravity doesn’t affect you until you notice it" effect in cartoon physics.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[davenn]

View attachment 317290

too small to read the text

[Mentors expanded the image because they couldn't read it either -- fixed now]

 

[davenn]

 

[DaveC426913]

too small to read the text

Try this old man:

 

[Ibix]

Try this old man:

View attachment 317295

Reminds me of a character in a Terry Pratchett novel who was searching for the Fountain of Youth, but is next seen in the afterlife. It turned out that he did find the Fountain of Youth, but didn't think to boil the water...

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 317293

I feel vindicated in my love of dad jokes because I discovered that Curt Smith apparently does them. And he's a rock star, so they must be cool, right?

 

[jack action]

I feel vindicated in my love of dad jokes because I discovered that Curt Smith apparently does them. And he's a rock star, so they must be cool, right?

Totally unrelated but, following your link, I found out that Roland Orzabal went from this:

​

To this:

Damn, I'm old!

 

[davenn]

Try this old man:

thanks, young lad

 

[DaveC426913]

Reminds me of a character in a Terry Pratchett novel who was searching for the Fountain of Youth, but is next seen in the afterlife. It turned out that he did find the Fountain of Youth, but didn't think to boil the water...

Classic D&D gaff:

Party: :finds pool of water:
Halfling: :drinks from pool:
Halfling: :immediately dies from poisoned water:
Druid: :curses Halfling for being impulsive:
Druid: :casts 'raise dead' spell on Halfling:
Halfling: :comes back to life:
Halfling: :immediately dies from poisoned water in stomach:
Druid: :curses loudly:
Druid: :casts purify water on Halfling:
Druid: :casts 'raise dead' spell on Halfling:
Druid: :cuffs Halfling upside head for making him waste all his spells:

 

[berkeman]

View attachment 317293

"Um, Dad, don't you need a Joist Finder for that? Or are you a Joist and not a Stud?"

https://www.mycarpentry.com/image-files/ceiling-joists-with-beam-and-hangers.jpg

 

[phinds]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

 

[berkeman]

"Done!" replies the government official.

I enjoyed the joke, but it may get nuked for political reasons. Doh!