Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

Also:
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read."

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. No idea why the elephant was in my pajamas.

 

[WWGD]

 

[BillTre]

For some reason, I often think of Groucho and Yogi Berra jokes as similar in some way:

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Could have many meanings, but was given as actual directions. Choosing either of the forks in the road lead to the correct destination.

"It's like déjà vu all over again."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical."
"If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else."
"The future ain't what it used to be."

 

[Ibix]

"The future ain't what it used to be."

Nostalgia's not as good as it was either.

 

[BillTre]

 

[sysprog]

For some reason, I often think of Groucho and Yogi Berra jokes as similar in some way:

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Could have many meanings, but was given as actual directions. Choosing either of the forks in the road lead to the correct destination.

"It's like déjà vu all over again."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical."
"If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else."
"The future ain't what it used to be."

A favorite from Berra: It's too co-incidental to be a co-incidence.

 

[BillTre]

A favorite from Berra: It's too co-incidental to be a co-incidence.

That's a good one.
I hadn't heard of it!

 

[WWGD]

Nostalgia's not as good as it was either.

That restaurant is too crowded, no one goes there anymore.

 

[WWGD]

I don't know if this is by Berra, but I just remembered it:

Guy driving gets stopped by a cop.
Cop: " Don't you know this is a one-way street?"
Guy: " I am only going one way".

 

[phinds]

I don't know if this is by Berra, but I just remembered it:

Guy driving gets stopped by a cop.
Cop: " Don't you know this is a one-way street?"
Guy: " I am only going one way".

That's almost as bad as this from Stephen Wright:
Cop: "You know the speed limit here is 40 miles per hour?"
Guy: "Well, I wasn't going to be out that long."

 

[jtbell]

I just found out that today is National Pickle Day. I guess this means they're a rilly big dill.

 

[jtbell]

It would be Groucho "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

From Duck Soup:

Mrs. Teasdale (Margaret Dumont): The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.

Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho): Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.

 

[davenn]

 

[phinds]

That reminds me of a friend of mine who was given a book on prognostication. Now he, like me, does not believe in aliens, ghosts, Nostradamus, etc, so he figured it would be a waste of time and was going to toss it but since it was given to him by a friend he figured he had to at least crack it so he could tell his buddy that he had started it.

He said it was an amazing experience. After have scanned just 3 pages of this book on prognostication, which he does not believe in, he said that he was able to make a 100% guaranteed prognostication of his own, which was ...

Spoiler: the prognosticaion:

I'm not going to finish this book.

 

[Ibix]

Arms for your chair are chairs for your arms.

 

[jack action]

 

[phinds]

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 272667

Thank you. I will be " Hoilding up" my bladder till possible now and having nightmares.

 

[WWGD]

I remember years back going to a book presentation by Jack Kevorkian (" "Dr Death"). I ran into him near the bathroom before the presentation. He told me : " You look a little pale". I said :" NO, NO , I'M OK!". He continued: " You may have something wrong". Me: " NO, NO, SERIOUSLY, I'M FINE!"

It seems he was an accomplished pianist. He put out an album: " Dr Kevorkian. Unplugged".

 

[jtbell]

I just found out that today is National Pickle Day. I guess this means they're a rilly big dill.

I was reminded of this today when I saw a report on one of the local TV news programs about the opening of new pickleball courts in a nearby town.

 

[PhDeezNutz]

A student in my classical mechanics class asked the professor

“Are tensors called tensors because they need a massage?”

My professor was speechless.

 

[WWGD]

A student in my classical mechanics class asked the professor

“Are tensors called tensors because they need a massage?”

My professor was speechless.

S/he needed a massage at the end of the day;). A Riemannian massage.

 

[fresh_42]

Massages won't help the tense crystals:

The word tensor (past participle of to span) in its modern meaning is first introduced by Woldemar Voigt in his book 'The fundamental physical properties of crystals in elementary representation' (Leipzig, 1898).

 

[WWGD]

Massages won't help the tense crystals:

Woldemar Voigt bit me ( Seinfeld). I should be the tense one.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jtbell]

Said one mole to the other mole: "No, it's your turn to go out today. I got whacked all day yesterday."

 

[BillTre]

 

[mfb]

Before accepting a marriage proposal you have to consider that on one hand, you'll get a really nice ring. On the other hand, you won't.