Collection of Lame Jokes

[AlephZero]

"Forestry commision to axe 250 posts in England".
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-13540428

I thought they used chainsaws not axes these days

 

[AlephZero]

If only Luigi Nono had written one...

Sounds more like a Ligeti joke to me. I guess http://www.artnotart.com/fluxus/gligeti-poemesymphonique.html lasts for 0.1 kiloticks.

 

[drizzle]

A microwave!

I believe it's a nanowave, micromass.

Opps! I somehow read it 1 billionth of a greeting. Ghah, I need to sleep

 

[jtbell]

Sounds more like a Ligeti joke to me. I guess http://www.artnotart.com/fluxus/gligeti-poemesymphonique.html lasts for 0.1 kiloticks.

Would you believe I actually have a recording of that piece? Or that there's a whole slew of YouTube videos?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-mEKnWU19s

 

[AlephZero]

Would you believe I actually have a recording of that piece? Or that there's a whole slew of YouTube videos?

Why would I disbelieve it? He was first class practical joker, as well as having some of his stuff hijacked for film soundtracks like Kubrick's "2001".

Another Ligeti story was an early performance of his organ work "Volumina", which at one point requires the performer to press down and hold as many notes as possible, using all available body parts. This exceeded the design capability of the organ's blowing system, which caught fire. Nobody panicked. The audience thought that smoke pouring out of every orrifice of the pipe organ was just part of the performance.

 

[HeLiXe]

 

[HeLiXe]

These crackpot cartoons are killing me LOLOL

 

[MartinJH]

As requested, I apologise for not posting here. I'll get the hang of this forum one day :D.A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What you going to do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece, and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."_______________________________________________A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar you irritating bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?

 

[drizzle]

 

[dkotschessaa]

Did you hear the one about the statistician?

 

[drizzle]

Yes!

 

[dkotschessaa]

lol. The answer I was expecting was "probably." But that'll do.

 

[Isaacsname]

Best time to go to the dentist ?

... 2:30

 

[DaveC426913]

Best time to go to the dentist ?

... 2:30

subtle...

 

[dkotschessaa]

 

[drizzle]

Hahaaa... Hmm, tan²x + 1 = 1/cos²x...

 

[drizzle]

An experimental physicist visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old... Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

 

[Lancelot59]

Hahaaa... Hmm, tan²x + 1 = 1/cos²x...

Uh...yeah. That's creepy.

 

[Borek]

An experimental physicist visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old... Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

This joke is 2 billions and 40 years old.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

This joke is 2 billions and 40 years old.

 

[drizzle]

This joke is 2 billions and 40 years old.

URGHHHH! You [STRIKE]GREEN[/STRIKE] blue, hehe... What ever you say.

 

[Isaacsname]

" I was feeling randy, so I called my wife on the phone. " I says " Baby, I been thinking about you, I want to make love ."...

.. she says ..." Who is this...? "

~ Rodney Dangerfield

 

[MartinJH]

Velcro.....what a ripoff.

 

[micromass]

True story (I think):

Hilbert had a student who one day presented him with a paper purporting to prove the Riemann Hypothesis. Hilbert studied the paper carefully and was really impressed by depth of the argument; but unfortunately he found an error in it which even he could not eliminate. The following year the student died. Hilbert asked the grieving parents if he might be permitted to make a funeral oration. While the student's relatives and friends were weeping beside the grave in the rain, Hilbert came forward. He began by saying what a tragedy it was that such a gifted young man had died before he had had an opportunity to show what he could accomplish. But, he continued, in spite of the fact that this young man's proof of the Riemann Hypothesis contained an error, it was still possible that some day a proof of the famous problem would be obtained along the lines which the deceased had indicated. "In fact," he continued with enthusiasm, standing there in the rain by the dead student's grave, "let us consider a function of a complex variable..."

 

[l470594464]

Well, the first page's jokes are really hard to understand,though I'm Chinese...

 

[Char. Limit]

Why can't you teach a horse to graph?

Because you can't put Descartes before a horse.

Which only means that he can't graph Cartesian coordinates. Horses are just fine with polar graphs.

 

[Borg]

Well, the first page's jokes are really hard to understand,though I'm Chinese...

FYI, you shouldn't post your SSN on the internet.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Which only means that he can't graph Cartesian coordinates. Horses are just fine with polar graphs.

Bears perhaps, but surely not horses.

 

[Andre]

No Bears need hunny coordinates.

[PLAIN]http://pirun.ku.ac.th/~b5002160/pooh_honey_1024.jpg

 

[IMP]

Before purchasing a bicycle, be sure to consider the color of the seat!

Hope this was okay, it is just a girl on a bike with an unfortunate choice of seat color...

 

[AlephZero]

Best time to go to the dentist ?

... 2:30

Shouldn't that be "before 2:30"?

 

[HeLiXe]

Hope this was okay, it is just a girl on a bike with an unfortunate choice of seat color...

The image loaded from top to bottom here and I was like, "she's pretty-WHOA-are they allowing this on PF-...oh... lolz"

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I KNOW KARATE
And about 2 other Japanese words

 

[Lancelot59]

Before purchasing a bicycle, be sure to consider the color of the seat!

Hope this was okay, it is just a girl on a bike with an unfortunate choice of seat color...

I laughed.

 

[dkotschessaa]

Bears perhaps, but surely not horses.

It's a matter of degrees I think.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I KNOW KARATE
And about 2 other Japanese words

You probably know most of tsunami, sayonara, sake, tofu, sukiyaki. sushi, tempura, shogun, samurai, rickshaw, yen, sumo, bonsai, futon, kimono, kabuki, geisha, zen, and of course, the ever popular sport of beisubaru.

 

[IMP]

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’.

A spokesman for the channel said….

‘A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but
we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.’

 

[IMP]

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was nearby "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby"

 

[Isaacsname]

Ever hear about the Buddhist vacuum cleaner ?

...It come with no attachments...

Goodnight folks !

*falls off the edge of the stage into orchestral pit, has unfortunate accident with piccolo*

 

[DaveC426913]

Then the Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything..."

 

[Isaacsname]

Then the Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything..."

" dude what the hell are you talking about its just a simple question - and don't be all MR. Braveheart ish talker over the internet its a simple question - OK at 12:00 clock what's up in the southwest. is that to your stuck up likings - don't be such an A-hole dude - some beginners might want to learn from your ever so awesome knowledge - what are you like Napoleon dynamite or something? "

That got me.

...dude

 

[xunxine]

Best time to go to the dentist ?

... 2:30

Shouldn't that be "before 2:30"?

I don't get it...

 

[QuarkCharmer]

I don't get it...

I think it's like "Tooth Hurty"

 

[DaveC426913]

" dude what the hell are you talking about its just a simple question - and don't be all MR. Braveheart ish talker over the internet its a simple question - OK at 12:00 clock what's up in the southwest. is that to your stuck up likings - don't be such an A-hole dude - some beginners might want to learn from your ever so awesome knowledge - what are you like Napoleon dynamite or something? "

That got me.

...dude

good times, good times

 

[mishrashubham]

Ever hear about the Buddhist vacuum cleaner ?

...It come with no attachments...

Goodnight folks !

*falls off the edge of the stage into orchestral pit, has unfortunate accident with piccolo*

Then the Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything..."

Please, you might hurt someone's religious sentiments.

 

[DaveC426913]

Please, you might hurt someone's religious sentiments.

I dunno, I think in order to hurt someone's sentiments, it would have to be a disparaging comment or slur. One would have to be overly sensitive to take offense simply with the reference of a religion in a joke.

 

[dkotschessaa]

If a Buddhist gets offended by a joke about Buddhism, then they are not doing very well in their practice. (I say that as a Buddhist).

Actually the joke just represents a fallacy about Buddhist doctrine which doesn't actually teach about "being one with" anything. It is more akin to Vedic (Hindu) teachings.

Sorry about the tangent, I shall go out with a lame joke:

Three statisticians went duck hunting and finally came across a duck. The first one shot at it but aimed too high and missed. Then the second one shot but aimed too low and missed. The third one jumped up and down all excited and yelled "We hit it we hit it!"

 

[DaveC426913]

If a Buddhist gets offended by a joke about Buddhism, then they are not doing very well in their practice. (I say that as a Buddhist).

Actually the joke just represents a fallacy about Buddhist doctrine which doesn't actually teach about "being one with" anything. It is more akin to Vedic (Hindu) teachings.

Sorry about the tangent, I shall go out with a lame joke:

Three statisticians went duck hunting and finally came across a duck. The first one shot at it but aimed too high and missed. Then the second one shot but aimed too low and missed. The third one jumped up and down all excited and yelled "We hit it we hit it!"

I don't get it.

(But you should avoid telling jokes about statisticians lest they get offended. )

 

[drizzle]

Three statisticians went duck hunting and finally came across a duck. The first one shot at it but aimed too high and missed. Then the second one shot but aimed too low and missed. The third one jumped up and down all excited and yelled "We hit it we hit it!"

 

[DaveC426913]

drizzle laughing made me re-examine the joke. I did not realize at first that there was no third shot - I just unconsciously inserted that part myself.

Now I get it.