Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

 

[topsquark]

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish.

-Dan

 

[Omega0]

Somewhere in outer space.
A mutiny happened on a spaceship.
As a death sentence the commanding officer and the scientific officer have been thrown out of the airlock.
The commanding officer says: "!!!"
The scientific officer responds: "..."

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[davenn]

An acquaintance swears the following really happened to him.

He drove up to a red-light and mis-judged the stop. This resulted in him very lightly bumping into the car in front of him. The driver got out of the car, at which point my acquaintance noticed the other driver was a dwarf. The dwarf stomps back, reaches up, and taps on the driver window.

"I am NOT happy!"
"Oh. Which one are you?"

That's an oldie

 

[fresh_42]

When you're the only one in the street growing your own tomatoes!

 

[berkeman]

The scientific officer responds: "..."

"S"? Or maybe the start of a curse?

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 323132

"Good morning sir, welcome to Ted's Shots and Pots Gun and Electronics Store. How can I help?"

"13A fuse in .22 caliber, please."

 

[DrGreg]

When you're the only one in the street growing your own tomatoes!

View attachment 323127

You think that's tomatoes they're growing?

 

[fresh_42]

You think that's tomatoes they're growing?

That was the joke.

 

[Ibix]

You think that's tomatoes they're growing?

Gardener's Question Time once received a question from a lady concerned that her neighbours might be growing cannabis. The neighbours insisted the plants were cabbages, but she thought they were cannabis. Gardener's Question Time suggested she steal a few leaves and smoke them - if she's still worried, it's cabbage.

(That one might be an urban legend.)

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 323150

The sad thing is, I believe you could actually sell a couple of them.

 

[Omega0]

"S"? Or maybe the start of a curse?

We'll never find out. One of my favorites in Futurama was (not literally, I can't find the citation) "even the sound in the vaccum was better in earlier times"

 

[nsaspook]

 

[Grelbr42]

take the paperwork seriously. These are actual pilot (P) incident reports and maintenance crew (M) responses (in

Post-it note recently observed on the inside of the cubicle door in the office bathroom:

The job's not over until the paperwork's finished.

 

[WWGD]

A bit grim:
" Last known photo of":

 

[WWGD]

 

[Bystander]

A bit grim:
" Last known photo of":View attachment 323198

Darwin Award?

 

[WWGD]

Darwin Award?

Something like that I guess.

 

[berkeman]

Darwin Award?

Photoshop.

 

[phinds]

Photoshop.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[topsquark]

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

-Dan

 

[phinds]

I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures. It's my face.

Lately, I've been watching my weight. It's still there.

A billion dollar idea: a smoke detector that turns off when you yell "I'm just cooking, dammit!"

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.

It only takes one slow-walking person in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person.

 

[Borg]

It only takes one slow-walking person in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person.

At least they're moving. I always seem to run into people who park their carts in the narrowest part of the aisle (sometimes diagonally) and then stand next to it cluelessly. I've even had people park their carts next to mine and when I moved to make a space, they adjusted their cart to block the aisle again.

 

[Mayhem]

Reasons professors make students do handwritten assignments:
1. Faster and easier to correct.
2. Easier to detect plagiarism.
3. To smell the tears soaked into the paper.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[phinds]

 

[jtbell]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[jack action]

I went to an Internet café the other day and nobody came to take my order.

I had trouble connecting with the server.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

School psychologist asks the mother, after seeing her son's drawing: " Is he suicidal"?

 

[WWGD]

 

[phinds]

Only two things in life are certain. Death and taxes. The difference between them is that death doesn't get worse every damn time congress meets.

 

[artis]

Only two things in life are certain. Death and taxes. The difference between them is that death doesn't get worse every damn time congress meets.

It does, if they lower social security...
https://www.forbes.com/sites/niallm...-taxes-last-year-infographic/?sh=60322dfc2bac

Despite doubling its profits, Amazon has paid zero dollars in federal taxes for the second successive year.

 

[berkeman]

https://idahonews.com/news/local/ph...ds-of-funny-creative-with-these-signs?photo=9

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[DrGreg]

Alternatively...

 

[Swamp Thing]

Looks like the victim was a Jenga tower.

 

[fresh_42]