Collection of Lame Jokes

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The discussion revolves around sharing and enjoying "lame" jokes, with participants contributing various puns and one-liners. Jokes include classic setups like "A duck walks into a pharmacy..." and "Why did the chicken cross the road?" along with playful wordplay, such as "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick." The humor is characterized by its groan-inducing quality, with many jokes eliciting laughter despite their simplicity. Participants also engage in light banter about the nature of humor, with some jokes being deemed too funny to qualify as "lame." The thread highlights a shared enjoyment of corny humor and the camaraderie that comes from exchanging jokes, creating a lighthearted atmosphere.
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"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.

If you are Fatalistic-Suicidal, it doesn't matter what button you press. Nothing will happen anyway.

If you are Paranoid-Schizophrenic, you may hang up now. We know who you are. And where you live."
 
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Welcome to retirement:

You can retire to Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
-OR-
You can retire to California where…
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought
-OR-
You can retire to New York City where…
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression
-OR-
You can retire to Minnesota where…
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. Where The Morons Elected Jesse Ventura, Al Frankin and Revere Geo Floyd
-OR-
You can retire to The Deep South where.
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder. ”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!
-OR-
You can move to Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail
-OR-
You can retire to Nebraska, or Kansas where…
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?”
-OR-
you can retire to Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

OR

To preserve your sanity, you can just keep working.
 
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  • #14,809
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
 
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:smile:

Shiting Beauty Salon.jpg
 
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Also beware of roadrunners exceeding posted speed limits?
 
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There's a rumor going around about butter...

but I'm not going to spread it.
 
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Medalist winner, Civil Engineering:
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WWGD said:
Medalist winner, Civil Engineering:
View attachment 323005
This happens when the drain pipes float up in the cement when it is poured. The pipes and drain have to be anchored down, weighted down, or kept from floating up in some way.
This is an issue I had to deal with when getting floor drains in the fish rooms we had made.
My floors drain well.
 
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  • #14,834
I just solved a fundamental problem in with SI. Will be submitting paper for peer review.

My first hypothesis was pretty solid:

Screenshot_20230228-230231-927.png


But a colleague came up with a better theory I fully support.

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  • #14,839
nsaspook said:
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Surprisingly like the Banana Split Theme song somehow: Tra-la-la, Tra-la-la-la,...

Looked it up when it came out in " Millionaire" a while back.
 
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Talking about drinks.
What can happen to an Old Fashioned?
 
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Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
 
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WWGD said:
An acquaintance swears the following really happened to him.

He drove up to a red-light and mis-judged the stop. This resulted in him very lightly bumping into the car in front of him. The driver got out of the car, at which point my acquaintance noticed the other driver was a dwarf. The dwarf stomps back, reaches up, and taps on the driver window.

"I am NOT happy!"
"Oh. Which one are you?"
 
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