Collection of Lame Jokes

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 326735

I remember a cartoon where an electrician is working on an open junction box next to an electric chair. He's just turned to the prisoner and is asking anxiously, "Feel anything yet?"

 

[davenn]

 

[artis]

The difference between Wuhan, China and Las Vegas ,Nevada, USA?

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...

 

[davenn]

I found a new type of Kale
I totally LOVE!
It is the Kale
without the K!

 

[nuuskur]

gpt understands my feelings

 

[ohwilleke]

 

[TonyStewart]

View attachment 326818

That's a clever play on words! In Excel, the date January 2nd can be represented as "1/2," which sounds like "half." So, in the context of Excel, the glass is "half full" because it's January 2nd. Nice joke!

 

[phinds]

That's a clever play on words! In Excel, the date January 2nd can be represented as "1/2," which sounds like "half." So, in the context of Excel, the glass is "half full" because it's January 2nd. Nice joke!

If you have to explain it, you ruin the joke

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 326818

Or 1st February, in countries with sensible date ordering conventions.

 

[TonyStewart]

I don't use Excel and use scalc.exe which says 1/2=2023-01-02 or

2. Jan. 2023 which I guess means you're still hung over with a half-life of 2 days​

 

[fresh_42]

Why?

 

[DrGreg]

Why?

View attachment 326830

So you can see it's pipe number 7.

 

[phinds]

Why?

Why not? I mean, he has to practice his pipebending skills SOMEWHERE.

 

[TonyStewart]

Looks like there is an underground tank for recycling rainwater or else it is emulating a large intestine for absorption of rainwater heavy metal & acidic nutrients from nearby acid rain... or nuclear or #ultraheavy fallout

 

[jack action]

Why?

View attachment 326830

To practice one's Photoshop skills:

 

[BvU]

Would that be the original ?
Or reverse-engineered ?

 

[fresh_42]

 

[nuuskur]

They all foresaw the plane crashing?

 

[Ibix]

There's a Gary Larson cartoon about the "First Annual Psychics' Conference", which notes that the event had gone well, marred only by a slight tension in the air from the unforseen faux pas of everyone wearing the same dress.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

This will happen one day with all that AI stuff around:

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[BillTre]

View attachment 326896

Oh, The Horror!

 

[fresh_42]

Oh, The Horror!

Yes. And there is still the ethical problem of whether the seeds count as pregnancy!

 

[fresh_42]

Well, I don't know what to say. It's probably best to comment with 'no comment':

 

[mfb]

There's a Gary Larson cartoon about the "First Annual Psychics' Conference", which notes that the event had gone well, marred only by a slight tension in the air from the unforseen faux pas of everyone wearing the same dress.

Found it:



Link in case the embedding doesn't work.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[phinds]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jack action]

1. Go to a drive-through.
2. Say: "I'm sorry but I'm blind. Can you read the menu to me?"
3. See how long they will read before realizing you cannot drive if you are blind.

 

[Halc]

See how long they will read before realizing you cannot drive if you are blind.

My boss (from quite a ways back) was legally blind and had a special drivers licence.
None of his cones worked, just the rods, so he could see B&W to the sides but nothing in the middle where it's all cones. He could read the computer screen if he put his face about 10 cm from it and wiggled his eyes, so I bet he'd not be able to read the drive-through menu from the car.

Another talent of his: National champion of bench-rest rifle shooting, the most accurate form of marksmanship. I guess passable eyesight wasn't particularly necessary.

All true.

 

[Grelbr42]

My boss (from quite a ways back) was legally blind and had a special drivers licence.
None of his cones worked, just the rods, so he could see B&W to the sides but nothing in the middle where it's all cones. He could read the computer screen if he put his face about 10 cm from it and wiggled his eyes, so I bet he'd not be able to read the drive-through menu from the car.

I had a philosophy prof like that. He had a custom device for his laptop that let him read the screen. Not without some effort.

He was also able to write on the blackboard, but had to do some interesting things to read his own writing. He even was able to do a passable drawing of certain things to illustrate certain concepts. He drew a passable "duck rabbit" in class one day.

https://www.researchgate.net/figure...rspective-dependent-reversible_fig2_271842692

 

[fresh_42]

 

[DrGreg]

That's missing the 2020 version of someone even fatter lounging (in their nightwear) on a couch pointing a single finger at a tiny smartphone.

 

[topsquark]

That's missing the 2020 version of someone even fatter lounging (in their nightwear) on a couch pointing a single finger at a tiny smartphone.

Hey! I resemble that remark.

-Dan

 

[Mondayman]

Black Velvet is apparently a Canadian whiskey, so I'd lean towards Canada.

Produced in Lethbridge, here in Alberta. It's cheap and awful.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[phinds]

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n’ Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half brother, Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 327000

Considering the state of humanity, there cannot be enough ethicists.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[DennisN]

I might have posted this one before at some time, but I want to post it again
because I think it's so funny :

 

[BillTre]