This story, which he swears is true, is told by a woodworking acquaintance of mine on a woodworking forum. It's long but worth it:
WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM LIL MIKEY - for when contemplating the purchase of a security device for a loved one.
Last weekend Lil Mikey saw something at The Flea Market that sparked his interest. He was looking for a little something different for his wife Mrs. Lil Mikey (she doesn’t even know she is named that). Maybe some personal protection. What he came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were reported as being short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
OK - WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, He bought the device and took it home. Per instructions, he loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! Talk about soul sucking! He was thinking “what a load of bollocks, he when noticed that if he pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, he’d get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, he has yet to explain to Mrs. Lil Mikey what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so he was home alone with this new toy, thinking to himself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two little ole AAA batteries, right?
He was sitting in his recliner, his cat Stella looking on intently (trusting little soul) while he was reading the directions and thinking that he really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. For a coupla seconds there, he thought about zapping Stella and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat! But, if he was gonna give this thing to his wife to protect herself against a mugger, he wanted some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Any good Woodbarterian (or is it Woodbarterite) would do that - right?
So, there he sat clothed in a pair of ragged cut-offs with his lily white legs in full view, and his white wife-beater proudly showing off his farmer’s tan line (his onesey was in the laundry). He had his reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of his nose with the directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
- A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
- A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
- A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
- Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while he’s looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to hisself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
He’s sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. he decided to give hisself a one second burst just for heck of it. He touched the prongs to his milky white, naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! HE WAS CERTAIN HE JUST MET JESUS!!!
He was pretty sure Chuck Norris ran in through the side door, picked him up out of the recliner, and spinning heel kicked him through all 6 levels of separation, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. He vaguely recalls waking up on his right side in the fetal position, with tears in his eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with his left arm tucked under his body in the oddest position, and with this strange tingling in his legs! The cat was making meowing sounds he had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by his body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (He can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), He collected his wits (what little He had left), sat up and surveyed the carnage.
· His bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· His triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· His face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and his bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· Her had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently, he had crapped in his shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and his sense of smell was gone.
· In the reflection from the cracked TV screen, he saw a faint smoke cloud wafting above his head, which he believed came from his hair.
He’s still looking for his testicles and is offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: His loverly wife can't stop laughing about his experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens him with it! Talk about butt-hurt!!
And that, my peeps, is the story of how Lil Mikey got to be the way he is!
