Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ivan Seeking]

i didn't muzzle myself when I saw this guy wearing a "Harvard" sweater and mumbled to myself, while obviously staring at the sweater, apparently too loud: " Yeah, right".

You could tell by his hair cut that he never went to Harvard?

 

[WWGD]

You could tell by his hair cut that he never went to Harvard?

The Jim Carrey type? I'm still figuring how to imitate his walk.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Ever noticed the fallacy behind this line?

View attachment 328713

I just watched Shatner interview Nimoy [not sure how old this was] and they were talking about Star Trek. In the "Devil in the Dark" episode with the Horta, when Spock mind melds with the rock beast, he cries out "Pain! Pain! Pain!". Shatner then cried out in response "Get that man an aspirin!" Nimoy got so angry over this mockery that he wouldn't talk to Shatner for weeks.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The Jim Carrey type?

Ah, a Yale man.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[topsquark]

I studied Particle Physics all last night. When I woke up this morning I had the mad desire to go to Sweden and start a banking consortium called the "Weyl Gruppen."

I am never getting into Heaven.

-Dan

 

[mathwonk]

@WWGD: that reminds me of the time I went into a bar in Nashville (my home town), over break wearing my Harvard "varsity" jacket, (anyone could buy them at the coop), and someone asked, "that's not Harvard college is it?", obviously in disbelief, and I answered, "no it's Harvard high school", to his clear relief. I guess he just didn't believe an average doofus might wear a jacket from a school no self respecting southerner would attend. he probably thought a real Harvard varsity jacket was a pin stripe suit coat. after that my Nashville girl friend asked me not to wear my Harvard jacket any more in public as it was too embarrassing. that's when you know you can't go home anymore.

 

[WWGD]

@WWGD: that reminds me of the time I went into a bar in Nashville (my home town), over break wearing my Harvard "varsity" jacket, (anyone could buy them at the coop), and someone asked, "that's not Harvard college is it?", obviously in disbelief, and I answered, "no it's Harvard high school", to his clear relief. I guess he just didn't believe an average doofus might wear a jacket from a school no self respecting southerner would attend. he probably thought a real Harvard varsity jacket was a pin stripe suit coat. after that my Nashville girl friend asked me not to wear my Harvard jacket any more in public as it was too embarrassing. that's when you know you can't go home anymore.

I'll print a ' Harbard' or ' Harverd' jacket for myself one of these days.

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 328826

The Fly, in his white balaclava.

 

[jack action]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

after that my Nashville girl friend asked me not to wear my Harvard jacket any more in public as it was too embarrassing. that's when you know you can't go home anymore.

Wow!!! Time for a new GF.

Back when I was in college I worked a retail job for a time. It was a small shop in a small town and things were very casual. Often I would never ring something up. I would just calculate the tax in my head and tell them the total.

I had one woman who was perhaps in her 60s who scowled at me when I gave her a total without ringing up her purchase. "Oh, you're one of THOSE" she said in disgust as she grabbed her stuff and left.

I remember thinking that apparently I should be insulted.

 

[berkeman]

View attachment 328848

Yeah, I work with exposed AC Mains and High Voltage (up to about 30kV) enough in the lab that I can be a bit on edge while I'm working with those exposed conductors. I startle easily anyway (because I've nurtured very fast reaction time in sports and other activities), but when I'm handling something dangerous I'm hyper sensitive and aware of what I'm doing.

An inexperienced EE who was also in the lab with me one day when I was working with HV came up behind me and did the "Ha!" slap on the shoulder just for fun. I jumped about a foot in the air (luckily not touching any HV wires in the process and came down facing him. I grabbed him by the shirt and made it very clear verbally that he better not do that again. I was a little bigger than him and in a lot better shape, so he wilted and apologized. I realized at that moment that I was about to wail on this guy physically, and I was at work and doing anything like that would likely get me fired by HR. I calmed myself down and apologized back to the guy, saying that I should not have put my hands on him. It all went away, but I'm pretty sure he never tried to play that "joke" again on anybody...

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

View attachment 328854

Yeah, I work with exposed AC Mains and High Voltage (up to about 30kV) enough in the lab that I can be a bit on edge while I'm working with those exposed conductors. I startle easily anyway (because I've nurtured very fast reaction time in sports and other activities), but when I'm handling something dangerous I'm hyper sensitive and aware of what I'm doing.

An inexperienced EE who was also in the lab with me one day when I was working with HV came up behind me and did the "Ha!" slap on the shoulder just for fun....

Talk about not reading the room!!! Eeesh

 

[dextercioby]

I tried to remarry my ex-wife, but I eventually failed when she realized I was after my money...

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jack action]

View attachment 328858

Funny thing though, the Canadian health minister (actually the one for the province of Québec), lost a tremendous amount of weight while in office:

Before:

After:

Apparently, his son was gaining weight and he challenged him to lose weight. His son told him: "If you do it, I do it" - which motivated both of them.

 

[WWGD]

Funny thing though, the Canadian health minister (actually the one for the province of Québec), lost a tremendous amount of weight while in office:

Before:

After:

Apparently, his son was gaining weight and he challenged him to lose weight. His son told him: "If you do it, I do it" - which motivated both of them.

No Tim Hortons for a while, Eh?

 

[phinds]

 

[BillTre]

 

[phinds]

 

[berkeman]

Trick question!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I tried to remarry my ex-wife, but I eventually failed when she realized I was after my money...

Someone was asking me if I want to get married again. Heck no I replied. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her my house. Saves me a lot of trouble.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

 

[topsquark]

View attachment 328905

Was there an emu in the area?

-Dan

 

[jack action]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Was there an emu in the area?

-Dan

I love that commercial!

 

[jack action]

My email password has been hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

 

[DrGreg]

My email password has been hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

Similar joke:

I couldn't afford to buy a personalised number plate (license plate) so I changed my name to "BD51 SMR".

 

[WWGD]

My brother's daughter is named Denise. They're going to have a son now. I suggested the name ' Denephew '.

 

[WWGD]

My email password has been hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

" Heisenberg"?

 

[topsquark]

My email password has been hacked again.

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

Let's take DrGreg's idea. Name the cat DsC&6d.4h7W.

-Dan

 

[Swamp Thing]

Let's take DrGreg's idea. Name the cat DsC&6d.4h7W.

-Dan

I believe there are apps that remember your cats name so you don't have to.

 

[ohwilleke]

 

[jack action]

- Hello, Animal Control? I found a suitcase with a mother possum and 2 babies inside.

Animal Control: That's odd. Can you tell if they're moving?

- Honestly, I'm not sure, but it would explain the suitcase.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

 

[jack action]

 

[berkeman]

Wait, is Batman about to shoot the Flash for losing? Kinda' brutal, no?

 

[nsaspook]

 

[BillTre]

Wait, is Batman about to shoot the Flash for losing? Kinda' brutal, no?

That's the starting pistol.

 

[berkeman]

That's the starting pistol.

Nope, sorry. The USATF starters I know don't use semi-auto starter pistols...

 

[nsaspook]

Nope, sorry. The USATF starters I know don't use semi-auto starter pistols...

Its Batman, we all know he's a psycho and psycho's don't use starter pistols.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[WWGD]

Its Batman, we all know he's a psycho and psycho's don't use starter pistols.
View attachment 329054

Clever cover, using ' Bateman ' to cover for Batman.