Collection of Lame Jokes

[topsquark]

Awkward moment (for old time music lovers)…...

View attachment 327935

I guess this will be the day that I die!

-Dan

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

There was a show (Jeremy Clarkson / Top Gear, IIRC) where the host drives a micro car into a BBC building, uses a lift (elevator), and drives among the desks and cubicles.

And it wasn't an electric, as I recall.Edit: Here it is...

I guess the car version of tiny homes.

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[DennisN]

 

[DennisN]

Ricky Gervais joined a gym, but...

 

[fresh_42]

 

[BillTre]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[Borg]

They just need to cross-train them.

 

[jtbell]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 327987

Now do " Arkadelphia"

 

[WWGD]

Flavor of the day:
" Happy Father's Day!"
" No, it's not mine. I have the DNA test to prove it!"
" Er...".

 

[Ibix]

Don't you hate it when people ask questions then answer them themselves before you've had time to think? I do.

 

[Ibix]

My foot bought itself a car, but it broke down and it had to call a toe truck.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jtbell]

Now do " Arkadelphia"

That guy would need a really long leash.

 

[DrClaude]

My foot bought itself a car, but it broke down and it had to call a toe truck.

 

[davenn]

View attachment 327987

I have been there ...... straddling the state line

 

[WWGD]

I have been there ...... straddling the state line
View attachment 328042

How about in Arkaxas?

 

[WWGD]

My friend, upon seeing a short woman walking by : " Somewhere in the world, there's a piano missing both its legs".

 

[fresh_42]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

continuing on the courtroom theme ....
There’s a well-known phrase by Carl Sagan that says, “there are no dumb questions.” But, judging by the attorney on this list, that isn’t true. With a ridiculous question like that, he was bound to get an equally ridiculous reply from the witness!

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[phinds]

 

[Halc]

View attachment 328120

I actually did this, not especially on purpose.
My honeymoon took me to London, Paris, Rome, Amsterdam, Cairo, all while chasing the moving van from Michigan to Massachusetts. Don't remember particularly stopping at any of them

Yea, we were broke. The wedding right out of college blew what little we had, and all the black ink was from gifts which really helped until the new job started sending checks.
Car blew a radiator somewhere near Rome. A little stop-leak and some extra coolant got us to the destination when the truck got there.

 

[WWGD]

 

[nuuskur]

 

[DennisN]

Bill Gates and St Peter​

Bill Gates eventually arrives at the day of judgement.

St. Peter greets him, and explains that while he did contribute a lot of money to charities, he also ripped a lot of people off when they were forced to pay for his software if they wanted to buy a piece of hardware from a store.

St. Peter says that under the circumstances, he will give Gates the choice of going to heaven or going to hell, and offers a tour. Gates accepts, and first St. Peter takes him to heaven. In heaven, Gates sees a very serene place, with people discussing philosophy and walking together through a wooded landscape.

They then move on to hell. Gates sees a big beach party, with everyone fornicating, smoking cigarettes, eating gourmet food, and drinking.

When Gates is asked, he chooses to go to hell, and is immediately plunged into a firey furnace with the screams of tortured souls deafening him.

“Hey, St. Pete, what's all this?” screams Gates, “where's the beach party?”
“Oh, I only showed you the demo version,” St. Peter replies.

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 328136

Like the joke that parachutes are only necessary if you want to jump more than once.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 328120

Here's a "wish-you-were-here" from Paris:

 

[nsaspook]

defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

 

[WWGD]

Bruno Mars lives in neptune nj, drives a Saturn and is sponsored by Milky Way.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[dextercioby]

Why was the mushroom asked to come to the party? Because he was a fun guy.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

Ah, the good old days.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jack action]

View attachment 328309

Not the real painting though:

 

[BillTre]

There were more than one version of the same basic image.
wikipedia:

Munch created two versions in paint and two in pastels, as well as a lithograph stone from which several prints survive. Both painted versions have been stolen, but since recovered. In 2012, one of the pastel versions commanded the at-the-time highest nominal price paid for an artwork at a public auction.