Collection of Lame Jokes

[gmax137]

I don't think I read this one here, if so please ignore

A small, tight knit, Russian village buys their milk from the neighboring town. Eventually they realize they should pool their resources and buy a cow for the town.

They all gather their money, some put more, some less, whatever they can afford. Now they have 800 rubles. A cow from Moscow costs 900 rubles, but a cow from Minsk, costs 700 rubles. So off to Minsk the town elders go. They return with a great cow.

The cow produces plenty of milk for the whole town, and everyone is happy and well nourished! They even sell the excess to the neighboring town.

The town loves the cow and want to breed her so her calves will nourish the village.

So off to market the village elders go again, and they bring back a prize bull to mate with the cow.

They put them together in a beautiful pasture and the bull approaches the cow, but the cow moves away, and is not interested. The bull tries again from a different angle but still the cow rebuffs him. For hours the bull tries to mount the cow at the top of the field, the bottom of the field and the middle of the field but to no avail.

The town elders do not know what to do, so they call a local rabbi to help them with their problem.

They explain their story to the rabbi, they tell him all the details and ask him what to do.

The rabbi thinks for a while, he strokes his beard. Then asks the elders a question.

“Your cow, is she from Minsk?”

The elders are amazed! “Amazing!! You are truly a wise Rabbi. How did you know she is from Minsk?!”

And the rabbi replies,

“ahhh, well my... wife, she is from Minsk also…”

 

[mjc123]

Scrooge is branching out into dissing other festivals...

 

[phinds]

Over the span of 11 years, 115 people die in weightlifting accidents at various gyms. In the same 11 years only 1 one, JUST ONE, died from eating donuts.

Make good choices, people !

 

[fresh_42]

Now I want to throw a sausage!

 

[gmax137]

He's going to need more bags.

 

[WWGD]

That's why extraterrestrials only talk with dogs, not humans. Since humans pick up dogs' feces, dogs are believed to be the bosses, leaders.

 

[berkeman]

Now I want to throw a sausage!

Squirrel!

 

[WWGD]

How about a squirrel saussage?

 

[berkeman]

A young man was considering asking his girlfriend to marry him. His grandfather and grandmother had been married for 70 years, so he asked his grandfather for advice.

His grandfather said that he had one very important piece of advice for a long marriage. "When we had been married for 5 years, we went horseback riding one weekend. As we were getting back from the ride and closer to the barn, the horse threw your grandma and she landed pretty hard. She got up and grabbed the horse by the bridal and said 'That's One'."

"She remounted and we kept riding toward the barn and the horse got skittish again and threw your grandma again. Grandma got up and grabbed the the horse by the bridal harder and said 'That's Two'."

"She remounted again and we got almost to the barn and the horse threw her again. Grandma got pretty upset, went to the truck and grabbed our shotgun and shot the horse."

"I said 'You just shot that horse!" Your grandma looked me in the eye and said 'That's One'."

"We've been happily married ever since."

 

[Orodruin]

A young man was considering asking his girlfriend to marry him. His grandfather and grandmother had been married for 70 years, so he asked his grandfather for advice.

His grandfather said that he had one very important piece of advice for a long marriage. "When we had been married for 5 years, we went horseback riding one weekend. As we were getting back from the ride and closer to the barn, the horse threw your grandma and she landed pretty hard. She got up and grabbed the horse by the bridal and said 'That's One'."

"She remounted and we kept riding toward the barn and the horse got skittish again and threw your grandma again. Grandma got up and grabbed the the horse by the bridal harder and said 'That's Two'."

"She remounted again and we got almost to the barn and the horse threw her again. Grandma got pretty upset, went to the truck and grabbed our shotgun and shot the horse."

"I said 'You just shot that horse!" Your grandma looked me in the eye and said 'That's One'."

We've been happily married ever since.

Reminds me of:

Couple calling to check on their teenage son from vacations:

Mom: How’s the cat? Have you been feeding it ok?
Son: Cat’s dead.
Dad: What? You can’t just blurt something like that out. How did it happpen?
S: Fell from a tree.
D: See, son, you have to soften it by taking it step by step. Like, cat’s climbed a tree … cat’s gone out on a branch … branch broke … cat fell … and you know … cat died.
S: Sure, whatever.
M: And how is dear granny?
S: She’s climbed a tree …

 

[Orodruin]

Also, unrelated to the previous post:

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 338030

Also known as "Lorentz ether".

 

[Orodruin]

Those ultra-aggressive Canadian protesters
View attachment 338034

My theory is that they all let out their agressions in an ice hockey arena.

Beware of aggressive Canadians; Canada just lost the World Junior Hockey Championship quarterfinal to Czech Republic with the winning goal scored 11 seconds ahead of full time.

 

[WWGD]

My theory is that they all let out their agressions in an ice hockey arena.

Beware of aggressive Canadians; Canada just lost the World Junior Hockey Championship quarterfinal to Czech Republic with the winning goal scored 11 seconds ahead of full time.

Yes, when they're Oot of the Hoose.

 

[phinds]

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

Scrooge is branching out into dissing other festivals...

Must be in Bahston...

 

[pinball1970]

That awkward moment when your supervisor does not look that enthusiastic, regarding your worlds first, “fits all” cell phone charger.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

Classroom:
Teacher: Maria, go to the map and point out America. Maria points out America correctly.
Teacher: Classroom, who discovered America?
Classroom: Maria!

 

[fresh_42]

 

[pinball1970]

View attachment 338095Now I want to throw a sausage!

Harry Potters day job. Got to earn a living right?

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[berkeman]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[davenn]

 

[Baluncore]

And that when you run off a cliff face, gravity does not affect you, until you believe in it.

 

[fresh_42]

And that when you run off a cliff face, gravity does not affect you, until you believe in it.

Times were a lot easier before Newton invented it.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[Tom.G]

And that when you run off a cliff face, gravity does not affect you, until you believe in it.

@fresh_42 said:
Times were a lot easier before Newton invented it.

Darn these Geniuses!

 

[Baluncore]

Darn these Geniuses!

The one we must damn the most, is the inventor of "conservation of energy", without that we could all live the easy life, and there would be no corrupting economy.

 

[DaveC426913]

Reminds me of:

Couple calling to check on their teenage son from vacations:

Mom: How’s the cat? Have you been feeding it ok?
Son: Cat’s dead.
Dad: What? You can’t just blurt something like that out. How did it happpen?
S: Fell from a tree.
D: See, son, you have to soften it by taking it step by step. Like, cat’s climbed a tree … cat’s gone out on a branch … branch broke … cat fell … and you know … cat died.
S: Sure, whatever.
M: And how is dear granny?
S: She’s climbed a tree …

Anyone here remember the film Capricorn One?

 

[Orodruin]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[difalcojr]

A caller on the radio just said this. Could be a physicist.

"Our world is full of photons, electrons, protons, neutrons, and morons."

 

[Borg]

My AI is depressed. I think that it's become a Woebot.

 

[DrClaude]

View attachment 338249

Doesn't that require being able to see your feet?

 

[Rive]

Just got hit with this one:
Why there are three wires in the outlet?
... for the V, the A and the CosFi...

 

[jtbell]

A caller on the radio just said this. Could be a physicist.

"Our world is full of photons, electrons, protons, neutrons, and morons."

Morons are an essential component of administratium.