Collection of Lame Jokes

[jack action]

 

[Orodruin]

I mean, Beethoven never actually heard his 9th symphony …

 

[DennisN]

 

[DrGreg]

Could be the basis for a new version of "rock paper scissors".

 

[gmax137]

Printed on the door of the Linguistics Dept hallway:

View attachment 343104

**Actually, this is a Sign hanging on a door

As an aside, I recently saw someone suggest that the collective noun for a group of pedants should be "an actually." As in, "an actually of pedants has already commented on the post."

 

[Orodruin]

Could be the basis for a new version of "rock paper scissors".

Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-spock.

But actually no. The image has 6 categories and in order to create a balanced rock-paper-scissors type of game where each selection loses to half of the others and wins against the other half you need an odd number of alternatives. The more alternatives the less likely is a tie.

Ultimately, the continuum limit is for both players to pick a position on a circle. The one who has the shortest ccw distance to the other wins.

 

[berkeman]

Ultimately, the continuum limit is for both players to pick a position on a circle. The one who has the shortest ccw distance to the other wins.

I have this vision of the university professor trying to explain the game of rock-paper-scissors to their kids at the dinner table...

 

[Bandersnatch]

Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-spock

It bothers me that the sequence in the name of the game is not the actual sequence. I haven't seen the episode, but can't imagine Sheldon being alright with it either.

Rock-paper-scissors-spock-lizard doesn't roll of the tongue as well. So instead rules could easily be adapted to match the name, by having:
Lizard steals scissors ('cause why not) -> scissors cut paper -> paper covers rock -> rock hits Spock in the head because he's so logical there's no other way of defeating him but smashing his face with something hard -> and Spock defeats lizard because that one time Kirk tried to defeat a lizard-man by throwing a rock at him even though the lizard was pretty slow and Spock would know that rocks are for fighting quick-witted persons with, so he wouldn't lose Q.E.D.

The internal relations are then: Spock defeats paper because his fake hand scissors are so well-toned he can cut paper and if you can't do it yourself it's only because your Vulcan salute is wanting -> paper defeats lizard because paper is made of trees and when Gorn hit a tree during that fight with Kirk the tree was completely unfazed so it's obviously stronger -> lizard defeats rock because Gorn was shown to be immune to rocks -> rock dents scissors -> scissors defeat Spock's weak fleshy imitation of true scissor form as can readily be demonstrated to any doubters.

Admittedly, this ruleset does suffer a bit in the brevity department. But then again, what nerd wouldn't trade a few extra words of explanation for being correct in some obnoxious way.

 

[Borg]

I haven't seen the episode, but can't imagine Sheldon being alright with it either.

Let's take care of that for you.

 

[jack action]

I haven't seen the episode,

episodeS. In addition to @Borg 's extract:

​

 

[Swamp Thing]

**Actually, this is a Sign hanging on a door

As an aside, I recently saw someone suggest that the collective noun for a group of pedants should be "an actually." As in, "an actually of pedants has already commented on the post."

A brace of pedants:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeand...-alexa-shouts-butcher-what-is-brace-pheasants

 

[Orodruin]

Rock-paper-scissors-spock-lizard

If anything it should be
Rock-spock-paper-lizard-scissors
Each option is defeated by the next two.

 

[nsaspook]

View attachment 343105

 

[davenn]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[jack action]

My wife just said that if I don't get off my computer and help with the dishes shes gonna slam my head on the keyboard but I think shes jokinhwnnriowenjauhuhyfewbh48943983wbedjhhfws7hg873243nbiu2q378hgfdbuifqbqwuiehguh-asdhnjqweiorijndaklajhb

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

My wife just said that if I don't get off my computer and help with the dishes shes gonna slam my head on the keyboard but I think shes jokinhwnnriowenjauhuhyfewbh48943983wbedjhhfws7hg873243nbiu2q378hgfdbuifqbqwuiehguh-asdhnjqweiorijndaklajhb

It's a good keyboard to resist that kind of a beating and still keep sending keypresses, though.

 

[jtbell]

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

A referee called a fowl.

 

[WWGD]

It seems Dr Jack Kevorkian, aka Dr Death, was an accomplished pianist. He even put out a record: " Jack Kevorkian: Unplugged".

 

[dextercioby]

 

[Orodruin]

View attachment 343227

Oh deer …

 

[phinds]

The other night, I was invited out to the Arena to watch playoff hockey with the guys. Told the wife that I would be home by midnight: “I promise!” Well, the team won, and the pretty lights caught my attention - as well as a few bachelorettes, and it seemed the honky-tonks were calling my name. The hours passed, and the Virgin Islands rum went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, realizing my wife (a lovely missus, by the way) would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT! ... nailed it!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I said proudly, “MIDNIGHT”…. she didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked her why, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh crap”. It cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 343293

We used to be able to lift 5000 times our own weight too (how do you think Stonehenge got built?), but it's been downhill since the Romans got here.

 

[JT Smith]

Nowadays it's more like this:

 

[berkeman]

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Borg]

 

[jtbell]

True story:

More than 30 years ago, we were looking to fill a vacancy in my department. Our pile of applications included one from a guy named Ding, and one from a guy named Dong.

Our chairman said, "Too bad we can't hire both of them. Then we would have Ding, Dong and Bell."

 

[berkeman]

a guy named Ding, and one from a guy named Dong.

I had a TA in undergrad with one of those last names. His first name was Luong. (true story)

 

[Orodruin]

True story:

More than 30 years ago, we were looking to fill a vacancy in my department. Our pile of applications included one from a guy named Ding, and one from a guy named Dong.

Our chairman said, "Too bad we can't hire both of them. Then we would have Ding, Dong and Bell."

Sounds better than Wang, which is a pretty common name ...

 

[BillTre]

 

[DennisN]

(I've never thought about this odd thing, but it's true (at least in Sweden), we measure screens in inches for some reason .)

 

[Borg]

How dung beetles celebrate Christmas.

 

[jtbell]

Sounds better than Wang, which is a pretty common name ...

One of the other grad students in my research group in grad school was actually named Wang!

 

[DennisN]

I've probably posted this link before, but I couldn't resist when you talked about Asian names...

I'm not sure about the quality of this restaurant in Indonesia...

Edit:

And a screenshot from Google Maps :

 

[topsquark]

One of the other grad students in my research group in grad school was actually named Wang!

I may have posted this before: I once had a Dutch boss named "Dale E. Werk."

-Dan

 

[jbriggs444]

I may have posted this before: I once had a Dutch boss named "Dale E. Werk."

I am sure this has been posted at least once previously.

Niklaus Wirth (creator of Pascal and structured programming maven) was reputedly asked how his name should be pronounced. Pausing a moment he replied "That depends. If you want to call me by name, it is Viert. If you want to call me by value, it is Worth.

 

[davenn]

Actually, when I was a kid .... it was still a manual phone exchange system
the operator in the phone exchange was like ......

not the one from my childhood town that Dad took me to ( Mosgiel, NZ), in the late 1960's
but representitive of it
And in 1976, I got a job with the local branch of the NZPO that also did all the telephone stuff.
By then Mosgiel and surrounds were now automatic exchange.
Going into the mid 1980's and I was still with NZPO ( NZ Post Office) and was part of the reequipping the tourist town of Queenstown with a digital telephone exchange - upgrading from a manual exchange like above.

 

[nsaspook]

Rule, never give your loaded weapon to a Naval officer, give it to the Marine E1 (lowest enlisted) instead.
Navy once again demonstrating the vital roll of the U.S. Marine's Keeping small arms away from Navy Brass.

 

[berkeman]

"Boy, that sure is a little biddy ship out there!"...

 

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 343475

Maybe it's some sort of eclipse viewing accessory?

 

[nsaspook]

Maybe it's some sort of eclipse viewing accessory?

The CO of a ship like that doesn't usually handle small arms so I have no idea why he went full HALO Master Chief.

I would bet a $1 some gunners mate put together that rig for a photo 'shoot' expecting some other guys with weapons familiarity would find it funny but somehow the CO asked to pop a few rounds for the media hounds.

The fact nobody (gunners mates/weapons handlers) said something about it to him, tells me, he's likely not loved onboard.

 

[berkeman]

 

[jack action]

Yes, I like those! Don't care how lame they are!

 

[jtbell]

I just realized that next year will be the 60th anniversary of the first smartphone: