Collection of Lame Jokes

[Isaacsname]

What's the integral of \frac{1}{cabin}? It's not a log cabin, it's a houseboat. You forgot to add the C.

 

[DaveC426913]

I'm sure everything will get clearer if you just go over it a few times..

I have. It hasn't.Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

 

[Isaacsname]

Arnold Zander, an obscure 1930's Chicago baker, was facing a rough lawsuit from a rival competitor concerning the name of a cookie, Pecan Sandies. He was really stuck on the cookie as it was a top seller, so he decided to cave in and rename it. He went back and forth in his mind,... and forth and back some more,... quartz of sweat literally poured from his brow...as he discarded mental inclusions in search of clarity...

"... Hhhmmmm ...crunchy crumblies ?...naaah...crispie snappers ?...no...hmmm...Zander's Crumbles ..?...maybe...wait,.. "

" I've got it ! "..." Brittle Zanders " he whispers to himself smoothly with a glint in his eye.

A few weeks go by, business is brisk, friction with the rival was gone, things were almost too good, as Arnold hardly had time to close up shop and get to his son's school in time to pick him up.

He's ready to rush out the door in a mad dash, when his old friend Ed comes running up frantically.

" Oh man, I am so glad to see you, my kid's throwing a tantrum, I left him in the car around the corner, you got anything left ? "

Arnold, reluctantly, steps aside as Ed runs in and tugs the lightcord.

" Hey neato, is that some sort of fancy Chinese rope or something ? "

" No, it's abraided my kid made it in school, can you hurry up ? "

Ed runs over to the cookie case.

" Brownies and cookies ? Aw man...That's all you got left ? "

" Look ", says Arnold, " I don't have all day man, I got to pick up my kid too. "

" Now, make up your mind, what do you want ? "

" Brownies orbital sanders? "

 

[FlexGunship]

Knock knock!

 

[FlexGunship]

Knock knock!

Knock knock!

 

[BobG]

Knock knock!

Knock knock!

We're all waiting for Dave to answer it.

 

[Isaacsname]

Here Dave, try these..

Cartoons In Order Of Increasing Difficulty

http://www.coldbacon.com/kliban2.html

 

[DaveC426913]

Who's there?

 

[FlexGunship]

Who's there?

To









(random characters for message length)

 

[DaveC426913]

Seriously? Everyone else got orbital sanders right away but me?

 

[drizzle]

Who's there?

FlexGunship lost interest.

Did you get it?

 

[DaveC426913]

FlexGunship lost interest.

Did you get it?

Still no.

I feel like I'm being pelted with joke-shaped acorns by a pack of squirrels.

Am I the only one that didn't get orbital sanders?
Was that so obvious that I need to take remedial jokes class?
Is knock knock related?
Did Flex fall off his chair in the middle of typing his answer?
Has the knock knock had a punchline yet? Did I miss that too?

Oh, wait...

 

[DaveC426913]

To

To who?

 

[FlexGunship]

To who?

Tsk tsk... to whom

 

[drizzle]

It's better for you not to know Dave, cause it's LAME and

 

[DaveC426913]

Tsk tsk... to whom

Ha ha. No. It's 'to who?'

Or is this another joke I'm not getting?

I just want to go home.

 

[Isaacsname]

We're all waiting for Dave to answer it.

Dave's not here man.

 

[Lancelot59]

Dave's not here man.

Is it true you can make all kinds of clothing and rope out of hemp?

 

[Isaacsname]

Is it true you can make all kinds of clothing and rope out of hemp?

... ... I hurd something about it

 

[FlexGunship]

Is it true you can make all kinds of clothing and rope out of hemp?

Really? Man, I gotta' check out this brochure! <eats sandwich>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ld8eKY0VRZk

 

[Isaacsname]

Really? Man, I gotta' read these pamphlets! <eats sandwich>

I did some graphic design work for a hemp clothing company years back.

http://en.ecolution.com/

Pretty impressive for a natural fabric, imo. I have a hemp shower curtain that's 7 years old, still looks almost new, mildew won't touch it.

 

[Lancelot59]

... ... I hurd something about it

There goes the futurama joke...

 

[Isaacsname]

Hey Dave

What do you call a Stizostedion lucioperca that swims around the same rock it's whole life ?

 

[DaveC426913]

Hey Dave

What do you call a Stizostedion lucioperca that swims around the same rock it's whole life ?

A perch with a gamey leg?

 

[Isaacsname]

A perch with a gamey leg?

 

[Isaacsname]

Ok, I'm finished with the sanding jokes.

Moving on..

What do you call a nun with a bad habit ?

" Inappropriately dressed "

 

[IMP]

The reference book men have been waiting for is finally available:

 

[DaveC426913]

Shortly thereafter, "Understanding Men" is released...

[URL]http://wwwdelivery.superstock.com/WI/223/4148/PreviewComp/SuperStock_4148R-1749.jpg[/URL]

 

[jtbell]

Stop, Dave...

[PLAIN]http://venturebeat.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/243321.jpg

My mind is going... I can feel it...

 

[IMP]

The reference book men have been waiting for "Understanding Women" is finally available:

I am sorry to report that this is only the index...

 

[HeLiXe]

Shortly thereafter, "Understanding Men" is released...

[URL]http://wwwdelivery.superstock.com/WI/223/4148/PreviewComp/SuperStock_4148R-1749.jpg

[/URL]



I scrolled from the bottom up and was like
"what is that?"
"is there something on it?"
"What is he pointing to?"
And then I realized why I cannot understand men

 

[HeLiXe]

I showed it to my mom and she did the same thing LOL

 

[IMP]

A TOURIST in Vienna was walking through a graveyard when he heard music

coming from a grave. The headstone read, "Lugwig von Beethoven, 1770 - 1827.

Then, the tourist recognized the music as the 9th Symphony played backward.



Puzzled the man left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him. By

the time they got back to the grave, the music had changed to the 7th Symphony.

It too played backward.



The friends agreed to consult a music scholar. When the three men went to the

grave, they heard the 5th Symphony playing backward. The scholar noted that

the order of the songs itself was backward, going by when they were written.



By the next day, a throng had gathered around the grave, listening to a backward

playing 2nd Symphony. Just then, the graveyard caretaker ambled up to the

group, "It's nothing to worry about ," he declared, "He's just decomposing."

 

[DaveC426913]

Monty Python's Decomposing Composers.

They're Decomposing Composers
There nothing much anyone can do
You can still hear Beethoven
But Beethoven cannot hear you

 

[McLaren Rulez]

Son: Dad, I want to go for a 50 Cent concert!

Dad: Sure. Here's a dollar. Take your sister too.

 

[lisab]

Far Side had that same idea...

 

[Isaacsname]

Did you hear about the Amish flu?

There are only two symptoms.

First you get a little hoarse... then you get a little buggy.

 

[Lancelot59]

Did you hear about the Amish flu?

There are only two symptoms.

First you get a little hoarse... then you get a little buggy.

Ha! It's funny!

 

[HeLiXe]

Son: Dad, I want to go for a 50 Cent concert!

Dad: Sure. Here's a dollar. Take your sister too.

 

[IMP]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

 

[QuarkCharmer]

The calculus professor on ocw.mit was explaining the reason why it's important to be sure that a function is an indeterminate form before applying a certain limit rule involving derivatives. He closed the lecture with a word of advice:

"You should always look before you L'hop"

 

[Drakkith]

:crickets chirping:

...I don't get it...

Neither do I Dave.

 

[HeLiXe]

The calculus professor on ocw.mit was explaining the reason why it's important to be sure that a function is an indeterminate form before applying a certain limit rule involving derivatives. He closed the lecture with a word of advice:

"You should always look before you L'hop"

cute

but isn't that "O" sound the strong vowel sound...like "hope"? >_< unless prof burger was just saying it wrong

 

[DaveC426913]

but isn't that "O" sound the strong vowel sound...like "hope"?

That's so nerd.

 

[QuarkCharmer]

cute

but isn't that "O" sound the strong vowel sound...like "hope"? >_< unless prof burger was just saying it wrong

You are correct. However, that is a true story. Somewhere in the single variable calculus video lectures he says that, pronouncing it "Lop".

 

[HeLiXe]

You are correct.

-_- I guess the world will be ending sooner than we all expected

 

[micromass]

How can you tell if a scientist has been locked in your
refrigerator?

You know the old joke about how you can tell if an elephant has been locked
in your refrigerator?
(There are footprints in the butter)

Well... how can you tell if a mathematician has been locked in your
refrigerator?
(If the walls are covered with equations and the coffee is all gone)

If a quantum physicist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All of a sudden you are uncertain if the milk is there or not)

If a developmental biologist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the eggs have hatched into some really strange looking chicks)

If a bacteriologist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(There are those little red biohazard stickers on everything)

If a geneticist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the yeasts and bacteria genomes have been sequenced and their phylum
mapped on the walls)

If a molecular geneticist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(A cross between a chicken and an eggplant walks out)

If a materials scientist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(You can now spread the butter only one molecule thick and there is no way
to cut the cheese without a focused ion beam)

If an immunologist has been locked in your refrigerator
(There is a patent pending and a new drug entering Phase I clinical trials
based on the grey-green stuff growing on the leftovers)

A computer scientist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(The refrigerator now uses four times the power and has to be restarted
every other time you open the door)

If a modern plant scientist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the vegetables look perfect, last forever and taste like nothing)

If an environmental scientist has been locked in your fridge?
(All the spills have been catalogued and there is a treatise on global
warming half written in soy-sauce-based ink on the door)

If a M.Sc. student has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the food is gone except for the healthy stuff)

If a postdoc has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the food is gone and the shelves licked clean)

 

[Isaacsname]

Neither do I Dave.

I hear Dave has the number of a good joke tutor..

 

[jobyts]

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.And then God made the Earth round...

 

[HeLiXe]