Collection of Lame Jokes

[mjc123]

Why did the law school hire a turtle for a faculty position?

To teach tort law.

"Our schoolmaster was an old turtle. We used to call him Tortoise"
"Why did you call him Tortoise if he wasn't one?"
"We called him Tortoise because he taught us."

- Alice in Wonderland

 

[phinds]

 

[Ibix]

The time I happened to see the post above:

 

[WWGD]

So someone stole the Viagra pills Amazon had left in my porch. I feel , more than angry, impotent.

 

[DrGreg]

So someone stole the Viagra pills Amazon had left in my porch. I feel , more than angry, impotent.

Police are looking for a hardened criminal.

 

[Swamp Thing]

He's gonna get a stiff sentence.

 

[topsquark]

He's gonna get a stiff sentence.

At least that will straighten him out.

-Dan

 

[jtbell]

At least that will straighten him out.

You mean the criminal justice system can cure Peyronie's disease?

 

[phinds]

So someone stole the Viagra pills Amazon had left in my porch. I feel , more than angry, impotent.

Police are looking for a hardened criminal.

He's gonna get a stiff sentence.

At least that will straighten him out.

-Dan

 

[jack action]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jtbell]

Yogi Berra: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"

Me: "Nah, it's too big. I'll just take a picture of it."

Yes, the sign on the fork says, FORK IN THE ROAD.

 

[WWGD]

Yogi Berra: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"

Me: "Nah, it's too big. I'll just take a picture of it."

View attachment 350131

Yes, the sign on the fork says, FORK IN THE ROAD.

He must have been a big eater ;).

 

[phinds]

Yes, the sign on the fork says, FORK IN THE ROAD.

I see the fork but where's the road?

 

[jtbell]

I see the fork but where's the road?

I suppose it really should say FORK IN THE FORK IN THE ROAD...

 

[Borg]

I feel like I'm being spoon-fed the joke.

 

[Ibix]

But it's knife to have it all set out clearly.

 

[phinds]

for all of the above

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

My wife said she hadn't seen the film "Gaslight".

I told her she definitely had.

Source

 

[davenn]

 

[DrGreg]

I never suspected my wife was having an affair with a roadworker, but then I saw the signs.

 

[Orodruin]

https://xkcd.com/2974

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[DennisN]

 

[dwarde]

 

[berkeman]

A little Medic humor from Facebook today...

 

[phinds]

I love it but forum rules prohibit my suggesting where to post it.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[Orodruin]

View attachment 350316

$e^x$ and $C$ were out walking in a field when they saw a differential operator approach in the distance.

$C$: Oh no! A differential operator! It is going to make me go away!
$e^x$: Stand next to me, $C$! It will not affect me and I shall protect you. I am not afraid!

As the differential operator came closer $Ce^x$ announced:

$Ce^x$: Hello, differential operator! We are $Ce^x$ and we are not afraid of you!
Differential operator: Hello $Ce^x$! I am $\partial/\partial y$.
$0$: Aaaaaaarrrhhhhhggghhhh!

 

[jack action]

Let's see if I can make @phinds take out his howling wolf ...

If we got rid of all the margarine, the world would be a butter place.

 

[jtbell]

If we put a casino in every town, the world would be a bettor place.

 

[Halc]

if nobody baked the cakes that they prepared, the world would be a batter place.

 

[DrGreg]

If there was only one type of taste instead of five, the world would be a bitter place.

(Have we got through all the vowels yet?)

 

[gmax137]

If skynet takes over, the world will be a botter place.

 

[jtbell]

If there was only one type of taste instead of five, the world would be a bitter place.

I was going to try something with vermouth.

 

[berkeman]

 

[jtbell]

(Have we got through all the vowels yet?)

After AI takes over, the world will be a byter place.

After sea-level rise inundates the continents, the world will be a boater place.

When new cars become too expensive for anyone to afford, the world will become a beater place.

 

[DennisN]

 

[DrGreg]

Before The Earth Mk 2 is able to work out what question has the answer 42, the world will be a beta place.

(Maybe it already is. That would explain a lot that's happened in the last decade.)

 

[nsaspook]

 

[dwarde]

I found a Green Beetle rolled over in front of my house. No injuries.