Collection of Lame Jokes

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The discussion revolves around sharing and enjoying "lame" jokes, with participants contributing various puns and one-liners. Jokes include classic setups like "A duck walks into a pharmacy..." and "Why did the chicken cross the road?" along with playful wordplay, such as "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick." The humor is characterized by its groan-inducing quality, with many jokes eliciting laughter despite their simplicity. Participants also engage in light banter about the nature of humor, with some jokes being deemed too funny to qualify as "lame." The thread highlights a shared enjoyment of corny humor and the camaraderie that comes from exchanging jokes, creating a lighthearted atmosphere.
  • #20,751
phinds said:
It's going to be so cold in DC tomorrow that politicians are going to be putting their hands in their own pockets.
I'm not going to tell the other 15 jokes that conjures up because I don't want to get banned. :rolleyes:
 
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  • #20,757
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  • #20,758
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  • #20,759
  • #20,760
I just saw a TV commercial for a new heartburn (gastrointestinal reflux) drug. It shows a cartoon superhero figure and the slogan "Voquezna can kick some acid."
 
  • #20,761
Ivan Seeking said:
Works for me! The fire is a metaphor.
Yes, fire as a metaphor.
Give a man a match, and it'll keep him warm for a minute.
Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
 
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  • #20,762
 
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  • #20,763
DaveC426913 said:


How about adding Vaidman's Bomb?

(Sorry Elitzur, we only use one name, preferably with two syllables)
 
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  • #20,764
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  • #20,767
dwarde said:
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The Dangers of Cliff-Walking by Eileen Dover.
 
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  • #20,768
Many years ago I worked with a guy (now long gone) whose parents came from China during the Truman administration. They named him in honor of the President - Harry.

His last name was Dong. No joke.
 
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  • #20,769
Ivan Seeking said:
No joke.

Then why post it here?
 
  • #20,770
Swamp Thing said:
Then why post it here?
Made you look! o0)
 
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  • #20,771
Ivan Seeking said:
Many years ago I worked with a guy (now long gone) whose parents came from China during the Truman administration. They named him in honor of the President - Harry.

His last name was Dong. No joke.
I think my favorite Asian takeaway is run by Mhai Ding A-Ling.
 
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  • #20,772
Swamp Thing said:
Then why post it here?
It is the truth masquerading as a joke. So I guess it's a fake joke.
 
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  • #20,773
Ivan Seeking said:
It is the truth masquerading as a joke. So I guess it's a fake joke.
I see what you did there. Mind the prohibition on politics here my good man. :wink:
 
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  • #20,774
berkeman said:
I see what you did there. Mind the prohibition on politics here my good man. :wink:
Honi soit qui mal y pense!
 
  • #20,775
fresh_42 said:
Honi soit qui mal y pense!
Gentle reminder that Klingon is not allowed at PF. :smile:
 
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  • #20,776
berkeman said:
I see what you did there. Mind the prohibition on politics here my good man. :wink:
LOL! That has nothing to do with politics.
 
  • #20,777
Ivan Seeking said:
LOL! That has nothing to do with politics.
I'm not saying nothin' because I'll have to ban myself. :rolleyes:
 
  • #20,778
berkeman said:
I'm not saying nothin' because I'll have to ban myself. :rolleyes:
Seriously. See you next year!
 
  • #20,779
berkeman said:
Gentle reminder that Klingon is not allowed at PF. :smile:
Wikipedia said:
Honi soit qui mal y pense ... spoken by the medieval ruling class in England.

Ergo: educational mission.
 
  • #20,780
DrGreg said:
Eileen Dover
50 Yard Dash to the Outhouse, By Willy Makit, Illustrated by Betty Dont.
 
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  • #20,784
Then there's "Get Smart"'s Harry Hoo.

Maxwell Smart: Who's that?
Policeman]: That's Hoo.
Maxwell Smart: Who's who?
Policeman: He's Hoo.
Maxwell Smart: Oh, he's who. What are you talking about?
 
  • #20,785
Many years ago, early in my teaching career, my department had to hire a new faculty member. We had applications from guys named Ding and Dong. Our chairman said he wished we could hire both of them, because then we would have Ding, Dong and Bell.
 
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  • #20,786
Back in my cubicle days, I noticed that two of my colleagues, Ron and Jeremy, were cubicle neighbours. I stole their name plates and replaced them with a single large sign high up on the wall that said "Ron Jeremy" in giant bold letters.
 
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  • #20,787
DaveC426913 said:
Back in my cubicle days, I noticed that two of my colleagues, Ron and Jeremy, were cubicle neighbours. I stole their name plates and replaced them with a single large sign high up on the wall that said "Ron Jeremy" in giant bold letters.
Reminds me of my first quarter at Ga Tech, where we were assigned arbitrary roommates in the dorms and my assigned roommate was Nick Farmer. They put last name signs on the door and as we were settling in, a guy knocked on our door and when I opened it he said "I just had to meet this guy Farmer Hinds".
 
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  • #20,788
phinds said:
Farmer Hinds
I had to look that up.
 
  • #20,789
I tried to find new friends outside of Facebook. So I went into the street and shouted what I was eating and how I felt. I already have three followers: two police officers and a psychiatrist.
 
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  • #20,792
gmax137 said:
50 Yard Dash to the Outhouse, By Willy Makit, Illustrated by Betty Dont.
The version I saw as a Cub Scout was by Kenny Makit and Betty Wont, edited by Will U. Cleanitup.
 
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  • #20,793
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  • #20,794
phinds said:
It's going to be so cold in DC tomorrow that politicians are going to be putting their hands in their own pockets.
What?! H*ll is freezing over already??
 
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  • #20,795
Students on our department were assigned emails based on the first 4 letters of the name and first three of the last name. Lucia Fernandez wasn't too happy about it.
 
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  • #20,796
WWGD said:
Students on our department were assigned emails based on the first 4 letters of the name and first three of the last name. Lucia Fernandez wasn't too happy about it.
We were assigned e-mail addresses based on program, year, then first letter of name and two first letters of surname. Except if that was already taken (assigned alphabetically). I happened to create a degeneracy with a good friend of mine. Since I was earlier alphabetically (surname starting Ble instead of Blo) he instead got assigned two first letters of name and first letter of surname. You cannot imagine the amount of mails that were mistakingly sent to me instead of him …

At my sister’s university student e-mails were based on first two letters of both name and surname, resulting in one of her classmates being assigned the address ”jude02”. Now that looks innocent, right? Except ”jude” means ”jew” in Swedish and is perhaps not the e-mail you want to have even if you are jewish.

Conclusion: Assigning user names based on letters from names is a bad idea.
 
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  • #20,797
I wonder how often he gets asked what's up?
Up.JPG
 
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  • #20,798
An oldie but goodie, this is supposedly an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off inTexas…

Note: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "I am honored to be selected just now as a judge at the chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting smashed from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I feel like I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Who cares; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili..
Judge # 3 - No Report
 
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