Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

Definitely not Plowy McPlowface.

View attachment 356222

 

[Tom.G]

View attachment 1737590110550.webp


Nice concept, but... what we really need is ASH REMOVAL.

BTW, high temperature here today was 71°F.

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 356230

A similar one:

An 80 year old lady at her gynecologist. (Wait for it!)

Doctor: Madame, your lover is 30. Any sex could be fatal!
Lady: Let him die!

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]

Good, he didn't visit Pennsylvania.

 

[phinds]

Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem
Patient: I'm terrified of random letters.
Therapist: You are?
Patient: screams
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Patient: screams

 

[jtbell]

Therapist: But why?
Patient keels over with heart attack.

 

[phinds]

Therapist: But why?
Patient keels over with heart attack.

Would work better with

Therapist: Oh? why?

 

[gmax137]

Try to relax. Sit down, here, can I get you a nice cup of tea?

 

[phinds]

Try to relax. Sit down, here, can I get you a nice cup of tea?

better:

Try to relax. Sit down. I'll get you a nice cup of tea, OK?

 

[jtbell]

An insect buzzes into the room. "Oh, a bee!"

 

[jack action]

 

[phinds]

Two that I particularly liked:

 

[phinds]

And a few more

 

[berkeman]

And a few more

I had to do a double take on the Antique Tables picture (duh!)...

 

[phinds]

I had to do a double take on the Antique Tables picture (duh!)...

Well, we're all slow sometimes, Mike.

 

[phinds]

And the final few

And, saving the best for last:

 

[Orodruin]

Well, we're all slow sometimes, Mike.

It gets worse with age. Unlike antique tables.

 

[DrGreg]

It's OK to drive dangerously once you've left the village.

 

[jtbell]

An insect buzzes into the room. "Oh, a bee!"

C D B!

 

[DrGreg]

C D B!

 

[berkeman]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 356309

Some of us will be disappointed:

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 356229


Nice concept, but... what we really need is ASH REMOVAL.

BTW, high temperature here today was 71°F.

Hopefully the overall picture looking better? Were the fires in the North of the city along Sepulveda, put out?

 

[WWGD]

Don't know if it was a joke, but I heard of a massive stampede of rats in NYC after " Riverdance" played. Imagine you're a rat, minding your business in the tunnels, sewers, and all the sudden you hear that massive, constant pounding for 2-3 hours.

 

[WWGD]

It seems Red Cloud knew how to cook. He was a Sioux chef.

 

[WWGD]

I sat in in ' Hamlet' last Shakespeare festival. My seat was 2B. Or not 2B.

 

[jtbell]

Mr. Shakespeare passed the door to the men's room, and paused.

"To pee or not to pee, that is the question."

 

[WWGD]

Iran is between Iraq and a hard place.

 

[nuuskur]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 356339

History, however...

 

[Orodruin]

View attachment 356339

In which century?

 

[jtbell]

Along the Norwegian-Russian border:

https://www.thebarentsobserver.com/borders/dont-pee-on-russia-it-will-cost-you-norway-says/122577

 

[jbriggs444]

Along the Norwegian-Russian border:

View attachment 356386

https://www.thebarentsobserver.com/borders/dont-pee-on-russia-it-will-cost-you-norway-says/122577

Apparently the Norwegians trust speakers of Norwegian, Finnish and German to have the good sense to avoid offense without being instructed.

 

[Orodruin]

Apparently the Norwegians trust speakers of Norwegian, Finnish and German to have the good sense to avoid offense without being instructed.

This reminds me of the slight differences between languages used on the emergency break instructions in the Munich subway (image from somewhere else but the same wording):

German: Misuse punishable
English: Misuse will be punished
French/Italian: All misuse will be punished

 

[berkeman]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 356429

Anecdotally, men who show up at hospital having been beaten up (a) were doing nothing, just standing there minding their own business and (b) were set upon by "these two guys". Always two guys, because y'know, tough guy like me, I coulda handled one guy.

 

[Orodruin]

Anecdotally, men who show up at hospital having been beaten up (a) were doing nothing, just standing there minding their own business and (b) were set upon by "these two guys". Always two guys, because y'know, tough guy like me, I coulda handled one guy.

Speak for yourself. In my case there were 300000 of them and 300 of us. Held them off long enough for some to escape and return with reinforcements to kick them out later.

 

[Ibix]

Speak for yourself. In my case there were 300000 of them and 300 of us. Held them off long enough for some to escape and return with reinforcements to kick them out later.

This! Is! PhysicsForums!

(Do we have a pit for kicking people into when they annoy us?)

 

[fresh_42]

Speak for yourself. In my case there were 300000 of them and 300 of us. Held them off long enough for some to escape and return with reinforcements to kick them out later.

Okay, so you are a bärsäk. That don't impress me much.

 

[Orodruin]

Okay, so you are a bärsäk. That don't impress me much.

I was going for Spartan …

 

[Orodruin]

This! Is! PhysicsForums!

(Do we have a pit for kicking people into when they annoy us?)

There is the PF black hole …

 

[fresh_42]

I was going for Spartan …

That would have been cultural appropriation. Berserker on the other hand ...

 

[Orodruin]

 

[pinball1970]

View attachment 356145

Skills you would be ok staying away from. I will have my tea on the table thanks.

Reminds me of that reverse motivational poster.

Ok ladies thanks for the heads up.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the bar to get all liquored up.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[WWGD]