Collection of Lame Jokes

[HeLiXe]

lololollollll that was so great

 

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img407.imageshack.us/img407/4806/girlscouts.jpg

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Son: Dad, how will I know when it's the right time to get married?

Dad: When the little stick turns blue.

 

[Borek]

- If I die first, please, marry Jake.
- I thought you hate him?
- Exactly.

 

[gatztopher]

Saw this here ( http://tony.aiu.to/jokes/condoms.html ) had to post it

The Klein Bottle Condom: Modeled after the Klein bottle by a sexologist/topologist doing a study on transpatial invagination, Kleins are only for the most adventurous condom wearer since it is almost as difficult to get one off as it is to get it on (doing either has been compared to solving Rubik's cube). Theoretically, since they are one-sided, they must be totally impermeable and therefore the most effective condoms. Others believe the condom is so effective because it redirects the load into the fourth dimension (this may explain the "warning: side affects include becoming one's own grandpa"). Each package comes with an instruction booklet that is, unfortunately, 58 pages long.

 

[csmcmillion]

One Young-Earth Creationist says to another "Which is closer - the Moon or Mexico"? The other points at the Moon and replies "The Moon - Duh! You can't see Mexico from here".

 

[feathermoon]

Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says...

..."You man the guns, I'll drive!"

Get it? Fish can't talk!

 

[feathermoon]

Q: How many Polish people does it take to elect the mayor of Warsaw?

A: Approximately 400,000, a plurality of the average number of voters in mayoral elections.

Q: Why do so few flights take off from Wroclaw?

A: Because you have to be very careful when putting simple Poles on complex planes.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says...

..."You man the guns, I'll drive!"

Shouldn't that read, "You fish the guns, I'll drive!"?

 

[I_am_learning]

Teacher: There are 5 oranges on a mango tree. If I pick up 3 tomatoes how many potatoes would be left?
Students: It would be, 2 Elephants sir.
Teacher: Fantastic, How did you figure it out?
Students: Because we have omelets for our lunch today.

Moral of the Story: You have to brush your teeth twice daily, otherwise you would have rats on your home.

(Does this joke qualify for lame joke? (I don't actually know what a lame joke is?))

 

[Isaacsname]

Do you know what's the most difficult thing about licking hallucinogenic toads ?

They're ticklish when you get down around the testes.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Last night, my wife, Tsu, and I had little disagreement. After a bit of discussion she agreed that I was right. "Of course I am", said I, "That's why God made me the man!"

She just stared at me; apparently left speechless by this amazing demonstration of perfect logic.

 

[Drakkith]

Last night, my wife, Tsu, and I had little disagreement. After a bit of discussion she agreed that I was right. "Of course I am", said I, "That's why God made me the man!"

She just stared at me; apparently left speechless by this amazing demonstration of perfect logic.

Was that all your stuff outside on the lawn this morning?

 

[Lancelot59]

Was that all your stuff outside on the lawn this morning?

Or mysteriously missing with a big black stain on the lawn?

 

[Isaacsname]

I'm voting for this guy



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4d_FvgQ1csE&feature=player_embedded#!

 

[IMP]

http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/397557_308600239173774_100000714007923_1004846_1697206467_n.jpg

 

[checkitagain]

The answers are typed with the text in reverse.



Question:

What is a young sheepda called?








Answer:

adbmal a


-----------------------------------------


Question:

Why do mathematicians grow their plants
in boxes?








Answer:


.stoor erauqs teg ot tnaw yehT

 

[DaveC426913]

checkitgain: use the SPOILER tag (icon looks like an eye) in the advanced text editor.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Was that all your stuff outside on the lawn this morning?

Or mysteriously missing with a big black stain on the lawn?

Oh heck no! She is much more devious than that! Luckily I can sleep with one eye open.

 

[Lancelot59]

Oh heck no! She is much more devious than that! Luckily I can sleep with one eye open.

If you need a dog house I might be able to get you some good quality Canadian lumber.

 

[JonDE]

An Irishman walks past a bar

 

[DaveC426913]

Faith 'n beggorah, I actually lol'd.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Question: Do I believe in premarital sex?

What a silly question! Not only do I believe in it, it can easily be shown to be far more likely to exist than postmarital sex.

 

[Borek]

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/yesandno

 

[Borek]

I am not convinced it is that lame...

http://www.thepaincomics.com/Science vs. Norse.jpg

(too large image, so I am posting just a link).

 

[Ivan Seeking]

God is love. So you and I are about to make God, baby!
- Stephen Colbert

 

[Ivan Seeking]

There is a standard joke in either Iowa, or possibly New Hampshire, that references the personal contact voters get with Presidential candidates.

What do you think of Romney?

I don't know yet. I've only met the man twice.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

See, Bo, we call those Tea Dogs. But they don't like to play like the other dogs.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Engineers' New Conversion Table

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

 

[Lancelot59]

Engineers' New Conversion Table

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

I found that amusing. Did you come up with that yourself?

 

[rktpro]

Newton never went to toilet. If he had, gravity would have been discovered much earlier.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you come up with that yourself?

Heck no. It was copied from an email.

 

[checkitagain]

This is mine:
------------



A man was arrested and convicted for washing clothes
without separating the colors.


He was sent to prism.

 

[Anna Blanksch]

Engineers' New Conversion Table is great!
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Hahahaha...
Also, sent to prism for not separating the colors... wonderful.

Speaking of prison... The energizer bunny was arrested. He was charged with battery.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

It has long been said that one should beware of Greeks bearing gifts. The question Europe faces now, is whether to trust Greeks bearing debts.

 

[Anna Blanksch]

A buffalo goes to his first day of school. As he walks away the mother says, "Bison!"

 

[DaveC426913]

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

A buffalo is a North American plains mammal.

A bison is wot an Ohstrahlian woshes is 'ands in.

 

[Evo]

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

A buffalo is a North American plains mammal.

A bison is wot an Ohstrahlian woshes is 'ands in.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

There was a young woman who lived in a shoe. She didn't have any children, but she knew what to do.

 

[Anna Blanksch]

Two wrongs don't make a right, but what do two rights make?

... The first airplane.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Given that Republicans have long accused Obama supporters of believing him to be Christ, it is now clear to me that the world really will end this year, just as some have predicted using the Mayan calendar. Obviously, Obama’s reelection in November will be no less than the long prophesied, second coming of Christ. According to the Bible, his second term will last 1000 years.

 

[lisab]

Given that Republicans have long accused Obama supporters of believing him to be Christ, it is now clear to me that the world really will end this year, just as some have predicted using the Mayan calendar. Obviously, Obama’s reelection in November will be no less than the long prophesied, second coming of Christ. According to the Bible, his second term will last 1000 years.

Lol!

 

[WhoWee]

Given that Republicans have long accused Obama supporters of believing him to be Christ, it is now clear to me that the world really will end this year, just as some have predicted using the Mayan calendar. Obviously, Obama’s reelection in November will be no less than the long prophesied, second coming of Christ. According to the Bible, his second term will last 1000 years.

tsk, tsk, tsk...shame, shame, shame (insert 'wink' - it's not in the menu?)

 

[DaveC426913]

tsk, tsk, tsk...shame, shame, shame (insert 'wink' - it's not in the menu?)

#11:
(or simply type : wink :)

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Two wrongs don't make a right, but what do two rights make?

Three rights make a left.

 

[Lancelot59]

Three rights make a left.

So does seven. Two rights make an about turn.

 

[OmCheeto]

I did something today that I don't think I've done since 2nd grade.
I finished a book in one day. 190 pages!

Jim Clifton: The Coming Jobs War

63% of me strongly agreed with 85% of his conclusions
16% of me strongly disagreed with 8% of his conclusions
10% of me thought 2% was just his biased opinion
and
11% of me had no comment

---------------------------------
Jim Clifton is CEO for the Gallup Organization

 

[Anna Blanksch]

What did the sheep say to his clone?

...I am ewe!

 

[Borg]

I did something today that I don't think I've done since 2nd grade.
I finished a book in one day. 190 pages!

Jim Clifton: The Coming Jobs War

63% of me strongly agreed with 85% of his conclusions
16% of me strongly disagreed with 8% of his conclusions
10% of me thought 2% was just his biased opinion
and
11% of me had no comment

---------------------------------
Jim Clifton is CEO for the Gallup Organization

I think that the margin of error is likely to be pretty large for a poll of one.

 

[Jonathan Scott]

What did the sheep say to his clone?

...I am ewe!

Works better with HER clone.