Collection of Lame Jokes

[HeLiXe]

Nope. The mathematician didn't know what a cow was, but he did know about fields.

We think the cow is somewhere in a field with an uncountably infinite number of dimensions right now, but the mathematician is still figuring out how to use the axiom of choice to find it again.

 

[Lancelot59]

My physics teacher was just saying "we love the chain rule". First I thought of "we love Katamari", then I remembered Full Metal Jacket.

This is my chain rule. There are many like it but this one is mine.

 

[jhae2.718]

So, who exactly goes to grad school anyways? I mean, I never had any trouble doing things like \nabla\!\mathbf{f}, and yet people go to a special school just to learn one operation??

 

[Borek]

You got it wrong, grad school means they spend their time grading exams. Ask any grad student if you doubt.

 

[HeLiXe]

You got it wrong, grad school means they spend their time grading exams.

That's what I heard :p

 

[AlephZero]

Just look for the cow pi.

Or, find out if the standard lion-finding methods also work on cows.

(Google "math joke lion sahara" if you don't know what I'm talking about).

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

(Google "math joke lion sahara" if you don't know what I'm talking about).

Well, this thread comes up so it goes into an infinite loop.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

How to artificially create a black hole.

1. Dig a pit into the ground.
2. Step away.
3. Is it black?
4. You have successfully made a black hole!

 

[AlephZero]

You got it wrong, grad school means they spend their time grading exams.

That's seems fair enough. The gradding procedure is finding which students have potentials.

[PUN]Insert something about circulation here[/PUN]

 

[Lancelot59]

Living with a woman is like living in a null space.
All my money gets mapped to zero.

 

[HeLiXe]

Living with a woman is like living in a null space.
All my money gets mapped to zero.

What a coincidence...the same destination as her sanity :p

 

[Lancelot59]

What a coincidence...the same destination as her sanity :p

I think that goes both ways.

 

[Amazon]

Hydrogen and oxygen are out having drinks and gold walks in. They say "eh you, get out of the bar"

 

[Lancelot59]

Hydrogen and oxygen are out having drinks and gold walks in. They say "eh you, get out of the bar"

HA! I get it. I've heard a few good jokes that use a similar trick but I can't remember them at the moment.

 

[micromass]

"It's a plane figure," Tom said flatly.
"99 is almost 100," said Tom roughly.
"1,3,5,7," Tom said oddly.
"Space is an infinite set of points," Tom said distantly.
"They are mirror images," reflected Tom.
"Consider a linear 2-dimensional universe", Tom's teacher said plainly.
"Not I", Tom replied unimaginatively.
"Why not?", she asked initially.
"We haven't discussed the addition problems", Tom said nonplused.
"I don't know what (b^2 - 4ac) equals and I don't care!" said Tom indiscriminately...

 

[HeLiXe]

"It's a plane figure," Tom said flatly.
"99 is almost 100," said Tom roughly.
"1,3,5,7," Tom said oddly.
"Space is an infinite set of points," Tom said distantly.
"They are mirror images," reflected Tom.
"Consider a linear 2-dimensional universe", Tom's teacher said plainly.
"Not I", Tom replied unimaginatively.
"Why not?", she asked initially.
"We haven't discussed the addition problems", Tom said nonplused.
"I don't know what (b^2 - 4ac) equals and I don't care!" said Tom indiscriminately...

This is good stuff! I should send it to my English professor :D

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Astronaut: I've been to Venus and back!
Skeptic: What are you trying to pull?
Astronaut: Some gees.

 

[HeLiXe]

lolololll

 

[Amazon]

Pick-up lines

What’s your sine? Well it must be pi/2 because you’re the 1 ;)

You must be Windows 95 because you got me so unstable

 

[Lancelot59]

Pick-up lines

What’s your sine? Well it must be pi/2 because you’re the 1 ;)

You must be Windows 95 because you got me so unstable

HA! I'm tempted to try them.

 

[DaveC426913]

HA! I'm tempted to try them.

You must be extremely charismatic, that you can do the pickup equivalent of lighting a cigar with a 100 dollar bill...

 

[Lancelot59]

You must be extremely charismatic, that you can do the pickup equivalent of lighting a cigar with a 100 dollar bill...

I wish I was that rich.

 

[Amazon]

A scientist and his friend walk into a bar. The scientist says, "I'll have a cup of H2O." His friend said, "I'll have a cup of H2O, too." Then he died.

Duct tape is like the force. They both have a dark side and a light and come in handy when you're kidnapping a princess

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

This joke intentionally left blank.

 

[HeLiXe]

lololol good one lol

 

[jhae2.718]

This joke intentionally left blank.

For the course evaluation for the chemistry lab I have, I wrote "This field intentionally left blank." in the additional comments box...

 

[DaveC426913]

A scientist and his friend walk into a bar. The scientist says, "I'll have a cup of H2O." His friend said, "I'll have a cup of H2O, too." Then he died.

That's good.

I memorized this one from my childhood:

There once was a lad who drank some water
Poor lad, he is no more
For what he thought was H₂O
Was H₂SO₄


But yours is way better.

 

[Lisa!]

[PLAIN]http://cdn.imgfave.com/image_cache/1301971571557888.jpeg[/CENTER]​

 

[EternityMech]

A neutron walks into a bar...

and orders a drink. "How much?" he asks,
the bartender says “For you, no charge."



Two atoms walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says, "I believe I lost an electron". The other atom says, "are you sure?" to which the first atom replies. "im positive".



A photon bumps into a electron, and the electron asks "where are you going why the rush?" The photon replies "I have mass." The electron says "I didnt know photons had mass." The photon replies "I'm catholic."

 

[micromass]

These are the best I can think of:

A neutrino walks through a bar...The tachyon leaves the bar. The tachyon orders a drink. The tachyon walks into a bar.

You'll find thousands more in our lame jokes thread! https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=25301