Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

“Hello. Is this the Alcoholics Anonymous counseling center?”

“Yes. How can I help?”

“How do you make a Tequila Sunrise?”

 

[DrGreg]

Accompanied by Mars!

Performing Venus.

 

[fresh_42]

Performing Venus.

And all happening on Earth.

 

[Borg]

 

[DaveC426913]

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

- Emo Phillips, 2005

 

[BillTre]

 

[jack action]

 

[WWGD]

My friend Bob in Alabama just had a child. Now he's a southpaw.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

 

[jack action]

Apparently you can't use 'beefstew" as a password. It's not stroganoff.

 

[phinds]

 

[fresh_42]

Apparently you can't use 'beefstew" as a password. It's not stroganoff.

Not surprising. It doesn't live in the Château Briand.

 

[Tom.G]

Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

Must have originated by someone that can 'Talk the Talk' but can not 'Ambulate the Trip.'

 

[fresh_42]

My girlfriend almost missed her train this morning because she was using my oven clock as a guide. My oven clock! She can be glad she left in the right century!

 

[berkeman]

My girlfriend almost missed her train this morning because she was using my oven clock as a guide. My oven clock! She can be glad she left in the right century!

When my wife is baking something, it confuses the heck out of me because the oven clock displays the oven temperature instead. Doh!

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[berkeman]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dwarde]

 

[Swamp Thing]

They laughed when I said I was going to learn to do poetry, because of my dislectia.

But they won't be laughing anymore... I've already made a vase, a bowl and a mug.

 

[Ibix]

They laughed when I said I was going to learn to do poetry, because of my dislectia.

But they won't be laughing anymore... I've already made a vase, a bowl and a mug.

They were clearly potty.

 

[fresh_42]

Possibly not the best choice of animal fur as a bath mat.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

The fact that Keith Richards and Willie Nelson have outlived Richard Simmons has me rethinking the whole eating right and exercising thing.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[davenn]

 

[jbriggs444]

Oh no, not meatloaf again!

 

[phinds]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[WWGD]

The " Oh Henry " candy bar makers added some Viagra to the bar. They renamed it " Oh, oh, oh , Henry".

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 358354

It is a burden. E v e r y - s i n g l e - t i m e.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]

Jumped on turtles: Italian plumber arrested for animal cruelty. Apparently he had taken mushrooms beforehand.

 

[Bandersnatch]

He's gone a bit nuts after an alligator dragged his girlfriend into a sewer.

 

[WWGD]

He's gone a bit nuts after an alligator dragged his girlfriend into a sewer.

Alligator, weren't those pizza-loving turtles?

 

[WWGD]

The Rock had another child. He called it Prudential: A piece of the Rock.

 

[jtbell]

While I was eating lunch at the local pizza place today, a couple sat down at the next table with their service dog.

I asked, "What kind of pizza does it like?"

"Pupperoni."

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[BillTre]

I guess that fixes her drinking problem!

 

[Orodruin]

 

[Orodruin]