Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

 

[Wrichik Basu]

My favorite response at the doctor's office when they ask if I'm allergic to anything.

Just poison.

Well, other than the obvious poisons, anything could become poisonous to you if you are allergic to it.

 

[Ibix]

Just seen a guy with a t-shirt saying "I don't snore, I dream I'm a motorcycle".

 

[Ibix]

My favorite response at the doctor's office when they ask if I'm allergic to anything.

Just poison.

A friend who is a retired GP claimed that amputation at the neck solved most complaints, apart from a slight attack of death.

 

[Ibix]

Do you think coffins made out of glass will catch on?

Remains to be seen.

 

[Ibix]

I was going to meet a girl I've been dating at the gym this morning, but she didn't show up. I don't think we're going to work out.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[DennisN]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[jack action]

Me: The Earth isn't flat

Fiat Earther: Correct

Me: Huh?

Fiat Earther: It's the shape of an Italian car

Me: What?

Fiat Earther: You read my name wrong, didn't you?

 

[phinds]

This just in from Texas: Local weather station has posted a recipe for how to cook lasagna in your mailbox.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

 

[topsquark]

-Dan

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 328460
-Dan

Poor old guy with arthritis was shot in downtown L.A, for flashing the wrong signs.

 

[BillTre]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 328522

According to one old Star Trek novel the Time Being is a blubbery hippopotamus-like creature. It has no muscle tone at all because it never does anything for itself - other people do things for the Time Being.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 328601

To good to be true?

 

[BillTre]

To good to be true?

Or an ironic employee.

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 328601

A paysan of your Romanian count?

 

[Ibix]

Can you believe it? Someone has glued my pack of cards together! I can't deal with this.

 

[berkeman]

From Facebook today:

 

[Ibix]

From Facebook today:

View attachment 328679

I used to walk to work across the bridge over the lake in St James' Park (picture). One morning I turned the corner on to the bridge and saw a woman coming the other way talking on her phone. I also saw a goose that had just taken off from the lake. The bridge is low with fairly high guard rails, and water fowl taking off have to make quite an early decision if they're going over or under. The goose had committed to "over", presumably before noticing the woman, and was on a collision course with absolutely no manoeuvring room or airspeed to play with, and the woman was phone zombied. I'm not sure I actually had time to yell anything, but what flashed across my brain was the supremely unhelpful comment "I can't yell duck, it's a goose".

(Fortunately the bird scraped together enough altitude to merely rearrange the woman's hair with its belly feathers, and she just kind of flinched and carried on her conversation...)

 

[Bystander]

Can you believe it? Someone has glued my pack of cards together! I can't deal with this.

Took me four times??!!

 

[phinds]

Took me four times??!!

Me too, dammit !

 

[phinds]

 

[Bystander]

Me too, dammit !

That makes me feel a little better.

 

[jack action]

 

[berkeman]

View attachment 328712​

Yep, been there and done that. Except usually in my case it was Marketing instead of Designer...

 

[jack action]

Ever noticed the fallacy behind this line?

 

[Borg]

Yep, been there and done that. Except usually in my case it was Marketing instead of Designer...

Mine was a manager who didn't muzzle me and instead asked me to describe the features to another group within the company. Yeah, that didn't end well.