Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

 

[DaveC426913]

too small to read the text

Try this old man:

 

[Ibix]

Try this old man:

View attachment 317295

Reminds me of a character in a Terry Pratchett novel who was searching for the Fountain of Youth, but is next seen in the afterlife. It turned out that he did find the Fountain of Youth, but didn't think to boil the water...

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 317293

I feel vindicated in my love of dad jokes because I discovered that Curt Smith apparently does them. And he's a rock star, so they must be cool, right?

 

[jack action]

I feel vindicated in my love of dad jokes because I discovered that Curt Smith apparently does them. And he's a rock star, so they must be cool, right?

Totally unrelated but, following your link, I found out that Roland Orzabal went from this:

​

To this:

Damn, I'm old!

 

[davenn]

Try this old man:

thanks, young lad

 

[DaveC426913]

Reminds me of a character in a Terry Pratchett novel who was searching for the Fountain of Youth, but is next seen in the afterlife. It turned out that he did find the Fountain of Youth, but didn't think to boil the water...

Classic D&D gaff:

Party: :finds pool of water:
Halfling: :drinks from pool:
Halfling: :immediately dies from poisoned water:
Druid: :curses Halfling for being impulsive:
Druid: :casts 'raise dead' spell on Halfling:
Halfling: :comes back to life:
Halfling: :immediately dies from poisoned water in stomach:
Druid: :curses loudly:
Druid: :casts purify water on Halfling:
Druid: :casts 'raise dead' spell on Halfling:
Druid: :cuffs Halfling upside head for making him waste all his spells:

 

[berkeman]

View attachment 317293

"Um, Dad, don't you need a Joist Finder for that? Or are you a Joist and not a Stud?"

https://www.mycarpentry.com/image-files/ceiling-joists-with-beam-and-hangers.jpg

 

[phinds]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

 

[berkeman]

"Done!" replies the government official.

I enjoyed the joke, but it may get nuked for political reasons. Doh!

 

[fresh_42]

I enjoyed the joke, but it may get nuked for political reasons. Doh!

It should get nuked for its beard, not for politics. I imagine this joke exists in countless languages.
Even "White House" isn't unique:

Moscow:

Bucharest:

 

[phinds]

I enjoyed the joke, but it may get nuked for political reasons. Doh!

Why? Corruption is non-partisan / bipartisan

 

[berkeman]

Why? Corruption is non-partisan / bipartisan

Why did you pick the White House, and those three states in particular? Are you Russian maybe?

Oh crap, the humor could be fun, but this subthread needs to be deleted before we all get into trouble. Let's all repost this on our Twitter feeds, and this thread will self-distruct in 90 seconds... 90, 89, 88..

 

[fresh_42]

I read an article yesterday titled "Times Americans Proved They Were Clueless". It was hilarious, however, I didn't dare to post it here. After that, I read an interview with Rick Steves about Americans in Germany. That was funny, too.

 

[berkeman]

After that, I read an interview with Rick Steves about Americans in Germany. That was funny, too.

Hey, I was an American in Germany, but I was only 4 y/o. Although I did go back for a conference a couple years ago...

 

[fresh_42]

Hey, I was an American in Germany, but I was only 4 y/o. Although I did go back for a conference a couple years ago...

Americans in Germany aren't exotic. I checked an old (2017) data sheet and found 250 Americans are registered in my hometown alone. It's rather more than less now. Germany became quite attractive to Americans a couple of years ago.

 

[berkeman]

found 250 Americans are registered in my hometown alone.

We, we, need to register? Rhut-rho...

 

[fresh_42]

We, we, need to register? Rhut-rho...

As residents, not as tourists. All have to.

Edit: The police want to know where to send the tickets to.

Edit edit: I let you know if I will face the fee if you don't ...

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

An oldie but goodie.

 

[martinbn]

 

[pinball1970]

View attachment 317328

It's more of a horsey thing?

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[DennisN]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 317381

That's... honest. Where's it from? "An Unvarnished Introduction to the Immutable Laws of Physics"?

 

[kuruman]

View attachment 317381

Something that Wile E. Coyote knows too well.