- #1,381
IMP
- 33
- 1
Collection of Lame Jokes
- Thread starter quddusaliquddus
- Start date
-
- Tags
- Jokes
Click For Summary
The discussion revolves around sharing and enjoying "lame" jokes, with participants contributing various puns and one-liners. Jokes include classic setups like "A duck walks into a pharmacy..." and "Why did the chicken cross the road?" along with playful wordplay, such as "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick." The humor is characterized by its groan-inducing quality, with many jokes eliciting laughter despite their simplicity. Participants also engage in light banter about the nature of humor, with some jokes being deemed too funny to qualify as "lame." The thread highlights a shared enjoyment of corny humor and the camaraderie that comes from exchanging jokes, creating a lighthearted atmosphere.
- #1,382
drizzle
Gold Member
- 200
- 58
[YouTube]oY6tCnu-1Do&feature=youtube_gdata_player[/YouTube]
- #1,383
FtlIsAwesome
Gold Member
- 204
- 0
LOLROFLCOPTERZdrizzle said:
I AM PUNCHING YOUR SALAD!
:p
- #1,384
Isaacsname
- 63
- 9
- #1,385
DaveC426913
Gold Member
- 23,977
- 8,080
Isaacsname said:
OK, I was ready to bail by 0:00:04 but because I'm a trooper I stuck it out. I bailed at 0:00:16.
It would have to get a whole lot better very fast to convince me to watch more than 16 seconds.
And 16 seconds is not too short to want them back from you.
Last edited:
- #1,386
Isaacsname
- 63
- 9
DaveC426913 said:
Trust me, watch the whole thang, there's a subtle plot twist near the end.
- #1,387
Isaacsname
- 63
- 9
I don't know if you have seen this yet, I 
ed
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently the washingtonpost held a contest in which high school teachers sent in the “worst” analogies they’d encountered in grading their students’ papers over the years. (I place “worst” in quotes because many of these actually strike me as quite witty). The top 25 of these have been circulating around the “Sandra Bullock” (”net”, get it?) recently, but I decided to post all 56 that I was able to find. Here they are, in their order of objective funniness (in my opinion):
1.Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
2.He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
3.Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
4.From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
5.John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
6.She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
7.The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
8.He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
9.Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
10.She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
11.The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
12.The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
13.McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
14.His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
15.He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at asolar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
16.Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
17.Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.
18.The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
19.Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
20.The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
21.They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
22.He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
23.Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it hadrusted shut.
24.He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
25.She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
26.She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
27.The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
28.The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
29.“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
30.It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
31.It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
32.He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
33.The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
34.Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
35.Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
36.The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
37.The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
38.She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
39.Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
40.Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
41.They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”
42.Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
43.The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
44.He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
45.The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
46.Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
47.The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
48.I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
49.She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.
50.Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
51.It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
52.Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
53.You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
54.The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
55.Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.
56.The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.
ed----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently the washingtonpost held a contest in which high school teachers sent in the “worst” analogies they’d encountered in grading their students’ papers over the years. (I place “worst” in quotes because many of these actually strike me as quite witty). The top 25 of these have been circulating around the “Sandra Bullock” (”net”, get it?) recently, but I decided to post all 56 that I was able to find. Here they are, in their order of objective funniness (in my opinion):
1.Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
2.He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
3.Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
4.From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
5.John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
6.She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
7.The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
8.He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
9.Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
10.She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
11.The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
12.The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
13.McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
14.His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
15.He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at asolar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
16.Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
17.Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.
18.The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
19.Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
20.The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
21.They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
22.He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
23.Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it hadrusted shut.
24.He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
25.She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
26.She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
27.The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
28.The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
29.“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
30.It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
31.It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
32.He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
33.The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
34.Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
35.Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
36.The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
37.The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
38.She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
39.Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
40.Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
41.They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”
42.Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
43.The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
44.He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
45.The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
46.Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
47.The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
48.I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
49.She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.
50.Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
51.It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
52.Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
53.You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
54.The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
55.Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.
56.The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.
- #1,388
DaveC426913
Gold Member
- 23,977
- 8,080
Isaacsname said:
Nnnnnope. Caaaaan't make me.
- #1,389
Isaacsname
- 63
- 9
DaveC426913 said:
Don't make me pull the car over.
- #1,390
Isaacsname
- 63
- 9
DaveC426913 said:
Lool, ok, here's something a little more artistic, ...I hope you like clowns...and zombies...
Since I cannot master embedding, here's the link
Last edited by a moderator:
- #1,391
FtlIsAwesome
Gold Member
- 204
- 0
A team of astronauts landed on planet Elowel
Immediately after they stepped onto the surface, they burst out laughing.
Immediately after they stepped onto the surface, they burst out laughing.
- #1,392
IMP
- 33
- 1
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing...
- #1,393
QuarkCharmer
- 1,049
- 3
FtlIsAwesome said:
Is that supposed to be "El Oh El"? Not sure I get that one.
- #1,394
- 22,169
- 3,327
QuarkCharmer said:
lol
- #1,395
QuarkCharmer
- 1,049
- 3
micromass said:lol
Oh that makes sense. Thanks
- #1,396
IMP
- 33
- 1
I believe the moon that orbits that planet is Laffmiasoff, can anyone confirm?
- #1,397
DaveC426913
Gold Member
- 23,977
- 8,080
IMP said:
Isn't that data stored in http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/miass.html" ?
Last edited by a moderator:
- #1,398
FtlIsAwesome
Gold Member
- 204
- 0
The astronauts decided to name one of the moons Roffel.
- #1,399
- 22,169
- 3,327
FtlIsAwesome said:
Don't forget the local population of Roffel. These aliens fly with devices known as Roffelcopters...
- #1,400
QuarkCharmer
- 1,049
- 3
- #1,401
FtlIsAwesome
Gold Member
- 204
- 0
QuarkCharmer said:
- #1,402
jtbell
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
Homework Helper
- 16,029
- 7,745
FtlIsAwesome said:
And then they discovered that it's inhabited by lolcats.
- #1,403
FtlIsAwesome
Gold Member
- 204
- 0
A group of hearts got together at the exercise gym.
One of the hearts said, "Let's pump that iron in our blood!"
------
Have you ever found a program so bad that you wanted your money back even though it was freeware?
------
What does a zombie playing Halo say?
"I like the Flood. We're so much alike. Zombies and Flood must be cousins."
One of the hearts said, "Let's pump that iron in our blood!"
------
Have you ever found a program so bad that you wanted your money back even though it was freeware?
------
What does a zombie playing Halo say?
"I like the Flood. We're so much alike. Zombies and Flood must be cousins."
- #1,404
HeLiXe
- 439
- 1
lol at the pumping iron lolol
- #1,405
HeLiXe
- 439
- 1
FtlIsAwesome said:
Where was I when you posted this LOLOL
- #1,406
FtlIsAwesome
Gold Member
- 204
- 0
Not here.HeLiXe said:
- #1,407
HeLiXe
- 439
- 1
GAh! You and your answers! You could have at least said Uranus or something.
- #1,408
HeLiXe
- 439
- 1
^^Like this is the perfect opportunity to insert a Uranus jokeDaveC426913 said:
edit:
Really funny link btw Dave LOLOLOLL
Last edited by a moderator:
- #1,409
FtlIsAwesome
Gold Member
- 204
- 0
HeLiXe said:
- #1,410
FtlIsAwesome
Gold Member
- 204
- 0
I is a high schooler.