Collection of Lame Jokes

[pailbait]

Man walks into a Doctor's surgery with a strawberry on his head.
The Doctor says "I will give you some cream for that".

 

[DaveC426913]

Another man walks into a Doctor's office with a strawberry on his head, lettuce under each arm and a banana peel in his shorts.
The Doctor says "You're not eating right."

 

[Ibix]

I can haz Heisenberger?

- Schrodinger's lolcat

 

[fuzzyfelt]

I can haz Heisenberger?

- Schrodinger's lolcat

Lol :)

 

[ShayanJ]

A guy goes to kitchen.Looks one side and doesn't see the pan,looks the other side and sees it

 

[QuarkCharmer]

A guy goes to kitchen.Looks one side and doesn't see the pan,looks the other side and sees it

lol

 

[DaveC426913]

lol

I still don't get it.

 

[Ibix]

I still don't get it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panning_(camera )

I think.

Edit: I hope trying to explain jokes isn't against the rules on this thread...

 

[DaveC426913]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panning_(camera )

I think.

Wow. This is lame.

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Wow. This is lame.

I think you mean awesome!

 

[BadBrain]

A friend sent me this joke, which I scientifically corrected and here present for your amusement:

A Higgs boson walks up to the Church of the Charged Particle. The priest confronts him at the door and says: "I'm sorry, but we don't allow charge-neutral particles in here." The Higgs boson replies: "But you can't have mass without me!"

 

[BadBrain]

Denying the antecedent, (as well as dessert:)

A logician said to his son, “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you can’t have any ice cream.” Upon hearing this, the son choked down a plate of broccoli, and his father, duly impressed, sent him to bed without any ice cream.

GREAT! An excellent example of the logical error of the Invited Inference!

***

Whooo! Posted this on a rock 'n' roll-oriented website, and I got my logical pants beaten off!

Here is a better formulation of that joke (actually a riddle) which more perfectly illustrates the logical error of the Invited Inference, without any logical escape other than the Invited Inference:

A logician said to his son, “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you can’t have any ice cream.” Upon hearing this, the son choked down all of his vegetables, and his father, duly impressed, sent him to bed without having allowed his son to eat any ice cream, which meant that the son ate no ice cream that night.

***

Then again, the equation of "broccoli" with "your vegetables" is also an example of the invited inference. This riddle is a proper toofer!

 

[jtbell]

I can't resist lifting this from another thread:

It's "Higgs bosons" not "Higgs bosoms". That's something else entirely.

 

[Drakkith]

I can't resist lifting this from another thread:

Buahaha!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

It's "Higgs bosons" not "Higgs bosoms". That's something else entirely.

And it's the large hadron collider, not the large hardon collider. That too is something else entirely.

 

[Alfi]

And it's the large hadron collider, not the large hardon collider. That too is something else entirely.

oh thank you ... between the bosoms and the hardons


that was a laugh ... thanks

 

[dkotschessaa]

http://chzmemeanimals.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/advice-animals-memes-when-youre-down-by-the-sea-and-an-eel-bites-your-knee-thats-a-moray.png

 

[Ibix]

So Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are duelling. They lock sabers and struggle for a moment.

"I know what you are getting for Christmas", Vader says.

"Nooo!" yells Skywalker and, with a burst of strength, breaks free. The two go back to trading blows and parries, but after a while Vader manages to lock the blades again.

"I know what you are getting for your birthday", he says.

"That's impossible!" cries Skywalker.

"No, Luke. I have felt your presents."

 

[rollcast]

There was an old miner called Joe and when he was a boy his father told him that the secret to living a long and healthy life was to sprinkle a teaspoon of gunpowder over his porridge every morning.

Joe done this every morning of his life and lived until he was 101.

He left behind, 6 children, 15 grandchildren, 28 great-grandchildren and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

[Ibix]

The wake was a blast.

 

[jtbell]

and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

And a dozen ten-foot craters in his backyard where his outhouses used to be.

 

[Ibix]

Another bumper sticker, allegedly seen in New York: "What would Scooby Doo?"

 

[Illbilly]

Overheard in Math class...
" I wish i was your derivative so I could be tangent to your curves."

 

[dkotschessaa]

2 carpenters are building a fence. The senior guy is taking a break, when he notices the younger guy taking a nail out of the box, looking at it, and throwing it over his shoulder. He takes the next nail out, looks at it, and hammers it in. Next one gets hammered in. The one after that gets thrown over his shoulder. Finally, he goes over and asks him, “What the hell are you doing, throwing out these nails?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” the younger carpenter asks. “The heads are on the wrong ends of those nails.”
“You idiot!” swears the older carpenter. “Those nails are for the other side of the fence!”

 

[dkotschessaa]

Another bumper sticker, allegedly seen in New York: "What would Scooby Doo?"

"To be is to do" -Socrates;

"To do is to be"-Sartre;

"Do Be Do Be Do"-Sinatra;

 

[IMP]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

 

[dkotschessaa]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fc1P-AEaEp8

 

[ShayanJ]

Peaches

There is a truck full of peaches going in street.One of the peaches falls off and is left behind,It shouts:hey peaches and you know what do they answer?They say:hey peach

 

[ShayanJ]

I guess that was lame enough :D

 

[genericusrnme]

Q: How many Californians does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A: Six: one to replace the bulb and five to share in the life experience.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to an earlier riddle.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: In earlier work, it was shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. Now, if k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Q: How many UC Berkeley students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy-six. One to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb’s right not to change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.

dem lightbulb jokes!

 

[ShayanJ]

Let's give some more lightbulb jokes :D

Qow many physicists with interest in GR does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Twne to hold the lightbulb and one to rotate the universe.

Qow many physicists with interest in QM does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:One.Two to change the lightbulb and one to normalize the wave function.

Qow many radio astronomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Nothing,They aren't interested in such a short wave length stuff.

 

[Isaacsname]

A snail was crossing the road one day and got run over by a turtle.

When he awoke in the emergency room, the doctor asked

" Can you tell me what happened ? "

The snail replied

" I don't know man, ...it all happened so fast. "

 

[boxOfLunch]

Q:Whats the difference between a budgie?

A:One is brown and the other one is also blue

 

[boxOfLunch]

At page 32 so far, thought i would create an account, skip ahead and add something.. Yes, I am at work..

 

[Isaacsname]

At page 32 so far, thought i would create an account, skip ahead and add something.. Yes, I am at work..

Just avoid making difficult jokes referencing sandpaper or sanding and you'll be fine.

 

[Isaacsname]

If a redneck had a time machine, would he sleep with his mother ?

Spoiler

Or use the time machine

 

[Ken Natton]

A small tribute to my deceased Scottish uncle of whom this was fairly typical:

Let's meet at the beach. If I get there first, I'll draw a cross in the sand. If you get there first, you rub it out.

 

[Rooted]

A lion walks into a pub and says to the bartender, "I'll have a ..... beer."

The bartender looks at the lion and says, "Why the big paws?"

 

[Isaacsname]

Enlightenment means nothing

 

[jtbell]

Why does a golfer carry an extra pair of pants?

It's in case he gets a hole in one.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Why does a golfer carry an extra pair of pants?

It's in case he gets a hole in one.

That's why they change socks during the tournament.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

"Woe is me" said the despondent apiarist, "to bee, or not to bee".

 

[rootX]

to bee or not to be bee... bee got no choice

 

[cobalt124]

Tubby, or not tubby... fat is the question.

 

[cobalt124]

Two wrongs don't make a right, but what do two rights make?

... The first airplane.

Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do.

 

[cobalt124]

Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says...

..."You man the guns, I'll drive!"

Get it? Fish can't talk!

Two parrots stood on a perch. One says to the other, "Something smells fishy".

 

[lisab]

Two parrots stood on a perch. One says to the other, "Something smells fishy".

Cobalt, your lame jokes are great!

 

[Rooted]

A duck and a chicken were at the side of a road. The duck was about to cross when the chicken said, "Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it"

 

[BobG]

"Woe is me" said the despondent apiarist, "to bee, or not to bee".

To be or not to be, that is the answer.

The question?

Spoiler

What's the square root of 4B^2

 

[lisab]

A duck and a chicken were at the side of a road. The duck was about to cross when the chicken said, "Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it"

"I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their intentions questioned"

--bumper sticker in town