drizzle
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The good thing about statisticians jokes is you don't expect it. 
Collection of Lame Jokes
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Jimmy Snyder
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This reminds me of Dolly Parton's jokedkotschessaa said:
Dolly Parton said:
dkotschessaa
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A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.
HeLiXe
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dkotschessaa said:
OMG LOLOLOLOLOL This is the best lol
HeLiXe
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DaveC426913 said:
I have a couple of Buddhist friends who will love this one! * calls them *
dkotschessaa
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Of course many people know the (Sometimes quoted as Buddhist, sometimes other) parable of the Three Blind Men and the Elephant. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blind_men_and_an_elephant)
But there is also the story of the three blind elephants, who were having a disagreement as to what a man looked like. The first elephant felt the man with his leg
"Man is flat."
The other two elephants touch the man as well and agree.
-DaveK
But there is also the story of the three blind elephants, who were having a disagreement as to what a man looked like. The first elephant felt the man with his leg
"Man is flat."
The other two elephants touch the man as well and agree.
-DaveK
xunxine
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QuarkCharmer said:
I see... Thanks!
How about this one?
http://edvantage.com.sg/edvantage/photos/661116/Bad_English_at_Asia_s_airports.html
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DaveC426913
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HeLiXe said:
Only if they're less than, like, 20 years old. It's been around a long time. All did was dust it off and rub it on my shirt to give it a bit of a shine.
HeLiXe
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LOL They're 23 and 24, they didn't get back to me yet tho...I hope they haven't heard it beforeDaveC426913 said:Only if they're less than, like, 20 years old. It's been around a long time. All did was dust it off and rub it on my shirt to give it a bit of a shine.
DaveC426913
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dkotschessaa said:
That's a hilarious sequel to the three blind men parable.
DaveC426913
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Borek said:
dkotschessaa
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HeLiXe said:LOL They're 23 and 24, they didn't get back to me yet tho...I hope they haven't heard it before
They've likely heard it more than once. :)
dkotschessaa
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But here's a really obscure Tibetan oriented one that isn't so moldy, though perhaps a bit long.
Dakinis in Tibet
The members of the Explorers' Club gathered at their meetinghouse one evening to find Sir Ferdinand Feghoot sipping abrandy while leaning gingerly against the fireplace mantel.
"Ferdinand, old boy," shouted Sir Roger, "Back so soon fromthe Peoples' Republic? Sit down and tell us all about it."
Sir Ferdinand grimaced. "I'd rather NOT sit down, Roggie oldboy. But, yes, my mission to China was a success. Not to China, rather, but to old Tibet, the roof of the world,shamelessly annexed by the Red Chinese."
"What brought you to such a cold, inhospitable place," askedSir Thomas. "Searching for ancient Buddhist Sutras? Orperhaps on the trail of the Abominable Snowman?"
"They're called Yetis, these days, Tommie," repliedFerdinand, "But, no, I was invited to help exorcize anabandoned Buddhist temple. My friend Lama Mipham was allowedto restore a long unused temple by the Chinese government. Not for worship, you understand, but as a museum to further extol the glories of the People's Republic. Lama Mipham felt that even for his people merely to have access to the art and architectural treasures stored therein would help prevent thefurther loss of their traditions. "But imagine his surprise, as he began clearing the temple,at being physically attacked!"
"By brigands?" asked Sir Rupert, "Temple robbers, pryingloose rubies as big as your fist, that were used as third-eyeornaments in enormous idols?"
"Lama Mipham is an expert martial artist," Feghootexplained. "He could deal with common criminals. No, he was attacked by supernatural defenders of the faith. Dakinis.
""Dakinis?" all the club members muttered in disbelief. "Yes. It means 'skywalker,' you know. Ghostly women, of allsizes, skin colors, some with animal heads, each armed with amystical weapon that produces very real physical damage."
"No wonder this monk fellow asked for your assistance," said Sir Edmund, "You're well known as an accomplished exorcist. Do sit down and elaborate."
Once again, Feghoot demurred. "I'll not be sitting down forquite a while, I'm afraid. But I rushed to the temple, armed with holy water, and a nasty three-sided dagger called a'purba' that can pierce ghostly flesh."
"How exciting," whispered Sir Oscar.
"No sooner did Lama Mipham and I enter the temple, than a huge, lion-headed, dark green Dakini with a head-choppingsword gave an ear-shattering shriek. Lama Mipham splashed holy water on her, and she vanished.
"Then a giantess, at least 12 feet tall, a red skinned Dakini, hurled an arm-binding noose over us, but as she drewus forward I stabbed her with the 'purba,' and she vanished.
"Next, a hugely obese dakini, blue-black with flames coming out of every pore hurled a shoulder-piercing trident at LamaMipham, but he ducked, and countered by chanting the weapon mantra, 'PHAT!' and she vanished."
"Insulted, I should guess," chuckled Sir Bernard.
"Well, to make a long story shorter," concluded Sir Ferdinand, "There were dozens of dakinis, but Lama Mipham andI vanquished every one of them, although one of diminutivesize (no bigger than my thumb) and saffron hue managed to avoid my attention and wounded me in an embarrassing part of my anatomy." Sir Harold gasped. "You mean..."
Feghoot nodded. . . .
"She was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny,yellow, poke-a-butt Dakini."
Dakinis in Tibet
The members of the Explorers' Club gathered at their meetinghouse one evening to find Sir Ferdinand Feghoot sipping abrandy while leaning gingerly against the fireplace mantel.
"Ferdinand, old boy," shouted Sir Roger, "Back so soon fromthe Peoples' Republic? Sit down and tell us all about it."
Sir Ferdinand grimaced. "I'd rather NOT sit down, Roggie oldboy. But, yes, my mission to China was a success. Not to China, rather, but to old Tibet, the roof of the world,shamelessly annexed by the Red Chinese."
"What brought you to such a cold, inhospitable place," askedSir Thomas. "Searching for ancient Buddhist Sutras? Orperhaps on the trail of the Abominable Snowman?"
"They're called Yetis, these days, Tommie," repliedFerdinand, "But, no, I was invited to help exorcize anabandoned Buddhist temple. My friend Lama Mipham was allowedto restore a long unused temple by the Chinese government. Not for worship, you understand, but as a museum to further extol the glories of the People's Republic. Lama Mipham felt that even for his people merely to have access to the art and architectural treasures stored therein would help prevent thefurther loss of their traditions. "But imagine his surprise, as he began clearing the temple,at being physically attacked!"
"By brigands?" asked Sir Rupert, "Temple robbers, pryingloose rubies as big as your fist, that were used as third-eyeornaments in enormous idols?"
"Lama Mipham is an expert martial artist," Feghootexplained. "He could deal with common criminals. No, he was attacked by supernatural defenders of the faith. Dakinis.
""Dakinis?" all the club members muttered in disbelief. "Yes. It means 'skywalker,' you know. Ghostly women, of allsizes, skin colors, some with animal heads, each armed with amystical weapon that produces very real physical damage."
"No wonder this monk fellow asked for your assistance," said Sir Edmund, "You're well known as an accomplished exorcist. Do sit down and elaborate."
Once again, Feghoot demurred. "I'll not be sitting down forquite a while, I'm afraid. But I rushed to the temple, armed with holy water, and a nasty three-sided dagger called a'purba' that can pierce ghostly flesh."
"How exciting," whispered Sir Oscar.
"No sooner did Lama Mipham and I enter the temple, than a huge, lion-headed, dark green Dakini with a head-choppingsword gave an ear-shattering shriek. Lama Mipham splashed holy water on her, and she vanished.
"Then a giantess, at least 12 feet tall, a red skinned Dakini, hurled an arm-binding noose over us, but as she drewus forward I stabbed her with the 'purba,' and she vanished.
"Next, a hugely obese dakini, blue-black with flames coming out of every pore hurled a shoulder-piercing trident at LamaMipham, but he ducked, and countered by chanting the weapon mantra, 'PHAT!' and she vanished."
"Insulted, I should guess," chuckled Sir Bernard.
"Well, to make a long story shorter," concluded Sir Ferdinand, "There were dozens of dakinis, but Lama Mipham andI vanquished every one of them, although one of diminutivesize (no bigger than my thumb) and saffron hue managed to avoid my attention and wounded me in an embarrassing part of my anatomy." Sir Harold gasped. "You mean..."
Feghoot nodded. . . .
"She was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny,yellow, poke-a-butt Dakini."
DaveC426913
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him
That's right. He's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
That's right. He's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
DaveC426913
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Have you heard about the man who got the job driving the bus for Sesame Street?
He was really looking forward to meeting all the Sesame St. characters, and so he was filled with great anticipation his first day on the job. As he stood outside the bus waiting for his riders to begin to arrive, the first person he saw approaching the bus was an *extremely* large woman. Before she boarded the bus, he asked her her name. Huffing and puffing from the exertion of walking, she replied, "My name is Patty." "Well, Patty, climb on board. We'll be leaving shortly." The next passenger, a man just as big as the woman, was wearing a large green suit. When asked his name by the new driver, he replied with a noticeable accent, "My name is Patrick...I'm Irish, you know. My friends all call me 'Patty'." "Patty, meet Patty. You two can get to know each other while I await several more passengers that I see coming."
As the new driver stood there, he found himself thinking, "Where are Bert and Ernie?" The next passenger was a little retarded boy. "Hi, little boy. What's your name?" "My name is Ross, and my parents tell me I'm special." "Ross, I'm really glad to have a nice boy like you ride on my bus today. Climb on, and we'll leave in just a minute." The last person to approach the bus was a really strange looking man. "Hello, sir. What's your name?" In a surly manner he answered, "My name is Lester T!" "Well, Lester, we're about to leave so please have a seat."
The driver was despondent, "I thought I was going to meet Big Bird and Cookie Monster!" As he was pulling away from the curb, he looked in his rear view mirror. Much to his horror, he saw Lester sitting there with his shoe off, picking at a bump on his big toe.
When the bus driver finished his route, he was asked how his day was by one of his co-workers.
“It reminded me of McDonalds” said the bus driver. Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester T picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.
He was really looking forward to meeting all the Sesame St. characters, and so he was filled with great anticipation his first day on the job. As he stood outside the bus waiting for his riders to begin to arrive, the first person he saw approaching the bus was an *extremely* large woman. Before she boarded the bus, he asked her her name. Huffing and puffing from the exertion of walking, she replied, "My name is Patty." "Well, Patty, climb on board. We'll be leaving shortly." The next passenger, a man just as big as the woman, was wearing a large green suit. When asked his name by the new driver, he replied with a noticeable accent, "My name is Patrick...I'm Irish, you know. My friends all call me 'Patty'." "Patty, meet Patty. You two can get to know each other while I await several more passengers that I see coming."
As the new driver stood there, he found himself thinking, "Where are Bert and Ernie?" The next passenger was a little retarded boy. "Hi, little boy. What's your name?" "My name is Ross, and my parents tell me I'm special." "Ross, I'm really glad to have a nice boy like you ride on my bus today. Climb on, and we'll leave in just a minute." The last person to approach the bus was a really strange looking man. "Hello, sir. What's your name?" In a surly manner he answered, "My name is Lester T!" "Well, Lester, we're about to leave so please have a seat."
The driver was despondent, "I thought I was going to meet Big Bird and Cookie Monster!" As he was pulling away from the curb, he looked in his rear view mirror. Much to his horror, he saw Lester sitting there with his shoe off, picking at a bump on his big toe.
When the bus driver finished his route, he was asked how his day was by one of his co-workers.
“It reminded me of McDonalds” said the bus driver. Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester T picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.
HeLiXe
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Borek said:
And it's still younger than you
dkotschessaa
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DaveC426913 said:
wow. Just wow.
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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were asked to hammer a nail into a wall.
The engineer went to build a Universal Automatic Nailer -- a device able to hammer every possible nail into every possible wall.
The physicist conducted series of experiments on strength of hammers, nails, and walls and developed a revolutionary technology of ultra-sonic nail hammering at super-low temperature.
The mathematician generalized the problem to a N dimensional problem of penetration of a knotted one dimensional nail into a N-1 dimensional hyper-wall. Several fundamental theorems are proved. Of course, the problem is too rich to suggest a possibility of a simple solution, even the existence of a solution is far from obvious.
The engineer went to build a Universal Automatic Nailer -- a device able to hammer every possible nail into every possible wall.
The physicist conducted series of experiments on strength of hammers, nails, and walls and developed a revolutionary technology of ultra-sonic nail hammering at super-low temperature.
The mathematician generalized the problem to a N dimensional problem of penetration of a knotted one dimensional nail into a N-1 dimensional hyper-wall. Several fundamental theorems are proved. Of course, the problem is too rich to suggest a possibility of a simple solution, even the existence of a solution is far from obvious.
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There's a mathematician whose non-mathematician friends are constantly ribbing him because his field is just so abstract and seems to have no relevance to the real world. One day, it gets to him, and he resolves to arm himself with some practical applications of research mathematics for the next encounter. He realizes that his own specialty (mathematical logic) is probably too far beyond them to be of any use there, so he goes to the department bulletin board to find an upcoming talk about something practical. Luckily, a talk is scheduled that afternoon on "the theory of gears." "Perfect!" he says. Nothing could be more practical, more down-to-earth. Finally, he'll be able to prove to his friends that mathematics is relevant to the real world. That afternoon, he's so excited that he goes to the talk five minutes early and sits in the first row of seats. Then, at the scheduled time, the speaker stands up and begins: "While the theory of gears with real numbers of teeth is well understood..."
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micromass said:
LOL
Knowing you, I expected a punch line where the mathematician would come out best!
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I like Serena said:LOL
Knowing you, I expected a punch line where the mathematician would come out best!
Hey, I love to make fun of mathematicians
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Fine, here is one where the math guy "wins"
One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."
One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."
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What happened to a "point" fence? 
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I like Serena said:What happened to a "point" fence?
Or the imaginary fence
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I like Serena said:What happened to a "point" fence?
micromass said:Or the imaginary fence
Ah, I just thought it typical that the mathematician would "waste" some fence just to be able to exclude himself from the rest of the world!
And perhaps we should include a philosopher saying like: "Imagine we had a fence...".
Edit: Actually, the straight line from the physicist is off (I love physics!). That's more something a philosopher would say. ;)
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OmCheeto
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I once made the mistake of jokingly asking my Christian friend if they still believed in creationism.
He said; "Yes. Except in your case."
He said; "Yes. Except in your case."
dkotschessaa
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Saw this on a T-shirt today. I'm finding math jokes funny at the moment...
I know. Lame!
I know. Lame!
IMP
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You don't need a parachute to skydive, you only need a parachute to skydive twice.